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My first post. I'm so nervous. Married 16 years in July, together 17 years. SS 24, SS18, S14. H has been having an EA for approx 1.5 to 2 years, PA since 1/8/09. Bomb dropped 4/19/09. I moved out for 1 month June to July 09. Moved back home and it's been hard. H says he has no physical contact with OW, but they work in the same office, but not with each other. They have contact via email & text. I catch him about once a month and he swears off. He says they just banter. The last email I read - OA says "I'm suppose to be mad at you." "We could be friends if you got divorced". I am so frustrated. I confront him and he swears off only to be caught again. All I want is for him to give up the OA and give 100% to the marriage. Everyone says it's time to give it up and move on.

I wouldn't say "move on," but I'd say "man (woman) up."

Your husband keeps doing this because you ALLOW him to. "1.5 to 2 years"???? What have been the consequences of his infidelity, and what boundaries, if any, have you laid out as a result of them?

Your husband will begin respecting your marriage as soon as YOU do, Z -- not a minute sooner.

Puppy

What do you mean by consequences and boundaries? The only thing I can think of is to leave. And then he goes to her. By boundaries, I ask him to stop. I have told him that I want a monogamous emotional and physical marriage. That we can't heal until he quits the affair.

It seems like he likes the EA. Kinda like wanting to loose weigh, but still eating candy and wondering why it isn't happening.

A boundary without a consequence is not a boundary. It's a "gee-I-wish-you-wouldn't."



I disagree. Your WORDS may have told him that, but your actions have indicated that you're okay with it. You don't LIKE it, but you're okay with it.

Puppy

A consequence is something that causes HIM inconvenience.

1. Silent treatment
2. Just make dinner for family - excluding him - when he asks say outright "I don't cook for people who are dishonest and hurt this family" or some such - let the kids be in earshot
3. EXPOSE the infidelity to his family - Don't threaten, just do it.
4. Expose to your kids (they are old enough to know it looks like)
5. Show up at his work and confront the OW at his workplace (this is a hotly debated one, but this list is just samples.. mild and severe.. it IS a consequence)

All of the above make HIS life more DIFFICULT. Each time you catch him you squeeze him more and you get your confidence back in the process.

Is OW married?

Expose to her H!!!

Or think of it like children.

If you catch them stealing from your purse... how do you handle that - just ask them to stop?

You likley GROUND them or take thier car keys away or some such... Same idea with H... I know you can't ground him. but you CAN make his life unpleasant... the best consequence is additional responsability - stop washing his clothes, cooking his meals, and doing anything else for him... leave it go to crap so he has to put more time into it

Otherwise he's just using you and eventually you will get so miserable you will be physically ill

ASKING someone to stop cheating does NOT WORK... its an addiction. You can't expect an addict to stop using simply because you ask him to stop... they will just nod and do it behind your back until you catch them again.

If you don't act, you are ENABLING the behaviour.

Thank you Allen and Puppy. This has been so hard. I am so afraid of losing him. I love him so much. We had a really great marriage for about 12 to 13 years. Then I went back to school while working full time with kids. I neglected him and he found someone else. Now I am a crying basket case a lot of the time, I know that won't keep him coming back. My emotional state is wacky, as this limbo has been going on for over a year now.

You know other than the EA with the OW. We have a phenomenal sex life and do all sorts of things together. It's when we communicate or have to talk to each other it is not so good. We use to be each others best friends. No longer.

The OW was married but is now getting a divorce. She has a drinking problem.

I travel with my job. Right now I am away at a clients and come home Friday afternoon. I am so afraid that he has been in contact with her.

What if I do what you say and he leaves? Then what I am all alone. I am in IC but with my travel schedule I am lucky to go once a month.

I know you have been there done that...I need courage (roar). I think my husband knows I am scared to be alone.

I just want back what we had....I hope that isn't impossible.

Zen,
First, always always always remember this- YOU CAN'T END THE A. Only your H (or OW) can end it. You can show your H that if he doesn't end it, then there will be consequences.

You could just do the classic move out of the house like they do in the movies- and not tell him where you are going, tell him not to call you but that you will contact him when you are ready. Be vague about why you are going and what you are going to do. But while you are away, yes this means he may be with OW. ANd yes you need to look into D (just to have the info and be less afraid). He will be so shocked if he thinks you are afraid to lose him to be without him. What??? SHE is leaving ME????

If you need to work up to that, then try out the silent treatment or some of the others Allen suggested as babysteps. They will help you feel more confident so that you can give a major consequence.

If you are afraid to be alone, think of it like this: being alone temporarily in order to have your H with you permanently.

You don't have to divorce him. But

Think of all your fears around being alone and address them one by one.

Oh and starting today- Stop crying in front of him-not just because it is unappealing to him but because it causes you to lose your strength and confidence-when I finally controlled myself on 10/15 and stopped crying in front of him I felt sooo strong! (lol!) My whole life I have cried easily! NO MORE! Well I have slipped a few times but it is better than 100. The best secret is that I just leave the room if I feel like tearing up will happen.

List all of your fears and q's here....it will help you!

Zen,
I meant to add this to the last post:

Is this the first time you are asking him to end the A? And it has been this long? Just asking-not trying to give you a 2x4. Ok. Why do you suppose he is still married to you? He loves you and doesn't want to lose you- he didn't want to file for D right? SO... I think your best defense is to have very strong consequences in place.

You tell him he needs to end it. You want to rebuild your marriage and make it happier and stronger than it was. But you can't do that while he is having an affair with *&$# (now don't expect him to say "ok") "Are you willing to end your affair so we can rebuild our marriage?"

If he says "I don't know" or "No"- You say "I am no longer willing to be married to you while you are having an A." Then

You could do the classic move out of the house like they do in the movies- and not tell him where you are going, tell him not to call you but that you will contact him when you are ready. Be vague about why you are going and what you are going to do. But while you are away, yes this means he may be with OW but he has been "with" her several times since 1/8/09 right?.


You could ask HIM to move out and tell him not to try to contact you. If he doesn't leave then you get in your car and leave.

You could have a legal separation drawn up and ready then tell him you want him out of the house because you won't tolerate this A any longer.

You could file for D.

ANd yes I think it will help you to at least look into D (just to have the info and be less afraid- this is empowering as weird as it sounds- I just did it a month ago and should have done it long before!).

New Mama

I confronted him about the OW on 4/19/09. I have asked him repeatedly to end the affair. I have contacted the OW and the OWH. They are getting divorced and are fighting over custody. H says that he is not having physical contact with her, just the emailing and texting. Still not acceptable.

It is a once a month process. I catch him communicating with OW and he swears he will quit and then maybe does for a couple of days and then goes back.

She is his coworker and she is ready and waiting in the wings. This entire situation is awful. My self esteem is in the toliet. I keep drinking the "kool aid" he gives me.

I was reading posts in the piecing forum. OMG is this what we have to look forward to? Why me? What did I do?

All my friends have told me to quit. And everyone is so sick of this drama. Including myself, but apparently not sick enough to do anything. I have been in paralysis for over a year. Yes, over a year. I feel so stupid. Believe someone who continually lies to me.

I keep praying for clarity and miracle. Maybe a 2x4 is in order. I have been told I am stubborn.