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When you feel you are "entitled" that's when the problems start! You are "entitled" to a fair agreement that protects you financially and with your kids, why she chooses what she chooses really isn't part of your "entitlement". It's up to you to judge whether the upside of pushing for "why" is worth it. I do understand your confusion yet getting a fair agreement is the ultimate goal. Good luck with it!

Wii - I do see your point. We'll see in what way my request is responded to but it won't be a deal breaker...

In my sitch, W demanded amendments after having signed off on the SA! She wanted the kids on Chinese New Year and needed it in the agreement. My lawyer said "you don't need me to do this, you can do it yourselves" and told me how. I said "We're here now, let's get it done so I'm through with this" So we did. It's all a pain, I know. I couldn't believe that my W thought she needed CNY in the agreement, as if I'd screw her out of that! But hey, whatever! Afterwards my lawyer said, "Well, that was quick, easy and relatively painless" and I responded "Maybe for you" and he said "No, really that was. This is the easiest SA I've ever done. You wouldn't believe how many couples drag this on with ugly disagreements about things like who will get the CD collection" Uh, yes I can believe it!

Was a pretty quiet weekend since the kids weren't here but I did get some cleaning done - which wasn't too much!

Surprisingly, I got an e-mail from my L which forwarded another revision of the SA from W's L. There were a few minor edits (which I OK'ed last week) and mention of the safe deposit box (which I had forgotten about so I need to get my stuff out of there later this week). Then at the bottom, there was this:



So now either I am a bit confused by this or W's L is. I replied back to my L saying that I needed to think this through. I have been on this path for over 8 years now with the emotional sep and 7 months since W moved out. W has made it quite clear on a number of occasions that reconciliation is impossible and frankly I don't want to deal with the "married but separate" facade. So my L responded back with some language for me to review that would carry over once the D is final - something which I do not think is fair for anybody.

Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) my Monday and Tuesday nights are pretty hectic so I can mull this through and get some alternate opinions on this...

Finally - a bit of time to decompress. The kids are with me for the next few nights but I tend to think better with them around anyway...

The more I think about this overnight guest provision, the more I think it should be a guideline for either W or me to follow rather than a dogmatic provision. I did get by the bank to get the few items that I had in the safe deposit box - my birth certificate, the savings bonds that my parents bought as birthday presents for the kids and an antique watch that belonged to my grandmother. Since neither of us had been in that box for years, I saw some pictures that W had put in there along with some notes that she wrote for D in case both of us died suddenly. Brought back a lot of fond memories and how I will always be thankful that W and I were able to bring two great kids into the world...

Well it's a weekend and it is supposed to be hotter than normal. I need to take care of the yard at the old house so I had better do that today rather than tomorrow.

And today marks #19. W had quit recognizing that day several years ago and although I had some cards set aside in case she decided to initiate something (I had done the initiating the first three years after the bomb dropped), they just lay fallow in the drawer...

A couple of weeks back I was going through some old papers and found a card that W had given me back in 2003 saying that she had never forgiven me for my problems and wasn't sure where things were going to go. And it did take me quite a while to forgive myself and climb out of the emotional pit I was in...

But instead of today being a recognition of my M, I am choosing to acknowledge my family. My parents and sisters who have stood by me throughout all of this even though then live scattered about the East Coast. My two wonderful kids who seem to be doing very well considering the move from the old house. S is having a classmate over this afternoon for a couple of hours so regardless of which roof we live under, life does go on.

It also helps that I have a good circle of friends who have supported me through this as well. And this site from which I drawn inspiration and hope that a brighter future is beginning to open up...

The future will get better. I know that even though I don't feel it. Tuesday was No. 14 for me. I went to Chicago to see a Cubs game with a friend.

I'm knee deep in the middle of the D process right now as well. It has to get better once it's finished. Right now it seems as if there's something big every week and it reopens the wounds every time.

Journaling...

The weekend went by pretty quickly. On what was our 19th, S had a friend over for a couple of hours so they had a good time. Before that, I went over to the old place and took care of the yard. I didn't think about W very much - just accepted that it was going to be another typical Saturday and my attitude was pretty positive.

I did get around to setting up various online accounts so that I can start online banking when my next paycheck gets deposited (I get paid monthly so that's extra incentive to keep a very close eye on where the money goes). I have the ability at work to split where my net pay goes so I selected about half of it to go into my new private account and the remainder to my old account which W can access. Since the house is not sold, it's good to keep a decent amount of money routed in there. I don't think I would close it when the D becomes final since it is an easy way to transfer funds between W amd me without having to visit the bank. W has gone out of her way to keep the financial aspects on the up and up so there's no reason to change at this point.

While W was coming to pick up D for her martial arts, she called and asked about what old recurring bills she could close out from her online banking. I kept it light and mentioned that the old phone and cable were no more but the other utilities (power, gas, and water/trash pickup) were still active. I did see W is taking the next two days off from work - on very short notice. Not sure why and frankly don't care. But I do know that I need to make sure to use my vacation days from work (15 days worth at this point) before the end of the year. I've already slotted two of them in late July to go up to Baltimore. I would dearly love to use three more at Thanksgiving to take the kids down to visit family (I have them for that holiday this year) but I don't know if I will have the money to drive down to FL plus board the dogs while I am away. I figure I have until sometime in August before the vets' boarding places begin to fill up to make a decision...

I was reading on SFO's new thread about the H of one of her close friends who killed himself earlier in the week. Naturally I feel really sad for those he left behind and how difficult it will be for them to deal with the aftermath of his actions. It reminds me how I came close to doing that back in the early 80's - finishing up my college degree and having what seemed to be no future. A wonderful friend of mine helped me to see that my thinking was all clouded and her caring at that time helped to lift the clouds away.

Fortunately through all of these struggles over the past 8 to 9 years, I have never felt anywhere even close to where I was back then. With the support of my family and friends, my recent therapist and this board, I know that I can have a bright future even at age 50.

And my friend from back in the day? We refriended on FB a while back and she will be celebrating her 19th anniversary later in the month to H #2. But on to more mundane matters...

The kids and I went out Thursday to purchase some gifts and a card for W to get tomorrow for Mother's Day. D survived her AP English exam and thinks she did very well on it. Last evening was the school's evening of the arts where the kids are featured in performing acts (some dancing, some singing, some music and some acting). S did a great job with his classmates doing a parody song but D was bummed because her acting scene was cut due to too many participants (2.5 hours with no intermission).

W did meet us there and we had a good time - not much talking but that's OK. Afterwards we did the kid transfer (she has them this weekend) so I won't see them until Monday. FIL is going to visit W and the kids tomorrow and likely stay overnight so it will be good for them. This evening I am joining some friends for music and dancing and I am looking forward to that.

But I have other things to do first. Take the dogs to the vet and maybe some yardwork at the old place. Life goes on - and I do have hope for the future...

I hate the kid transfer. I worked out a way that they just go separate places after school so I don't have to see STBXW. It won't work as well in the summer, but it's a good plan for the school year.