You know with my kids, I was all about consequences. The man upstairs is about choice, accountability and consequences.
Why do I have such a hard time with letting her face the consequences of her choices? Is this just a giant fear of being alone, or more????
Of course, alone has no yo-yo. Are you saying I like being a toy?
Now I'm talking to myself. Is this a good sign, or no?
With all the financial mess and upcoming mediation, I'm a mental mess. I'm flat going to ask for clarification, if the mediation is for a D or reconcilliation. If it's for furthering the D, then she gets 50% of mind numbing bills and the accompanying responsibilities slid on over to her wallet.
Folks-I am actually physically ill today from stress. If the ticker could just miss a few beats she could have 100% of the fun.
Why do I have such a hard time with letting her face the consequences of her choices? Is this just a giant fear of being alone, or more????
You need to examine your motives closely...I'd say it's you wanting to rescue the damsel in distress...and you can't seem to break that habit.
I remember being protective at one time of my husband, and was guilty of bailing him out many times....I was WRONG for doing that, and no longer do it. He gets angry when I make him take responsibility for his actions...but so what? He gets himself in it, he will get himself out of it....I refuse to take on his responsibilities, and so it either gets done, or he gets in trouble somewhere down the road because he didn't do it.
It is all part of letting go, DBS...some people are the type that they have to fall down and crack their heads before they learn not to do some of the stupid things they do...and because someone else will "bail them out"...they keep doing stupid stuff, never learning the consequences for their actions because someone else is "reaping" those for them. As long as you keep "rescuing" her, she never learns...so let her fall down hard...it's good for her to do that.
She may cry and scream about it, but you will not have to suffer on her account..SHE would have to do that.
Sometimes love MUST BE TOUGH..and because we love, we let them go to whatever consequences would come for them. Why should we suffer for THEIR mistakes...they are learning nothing, while we suffer.
Something to think about.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
I went into mediation as you did - my W wanted to go despite telling me that she believed things were better and that our M had hope.
Once there, the mediator did a good job getting us to give each other more time before declaring the M a failure. She mediated a 6 mo timeframe to work on some issues. She would not have even tried this had I not made it clear that my changes have been recent, my W recognized them as good, and that I was not looking for a D.
I had to clearly say that I respected her feelings and right to decide, but I did not want a D at all and hoped she'd give me time to keep improving.
Once we left, W told me that she really went in thinking D. Painful. But we left with at least something more hopeful.
Tomorrow, make sure all your 180s and understandings/love for your W is present. Act clearly with responses, not reactions. Ask for clarifications. Leave for a walk if you need to. Speak your mind and set boundaries, but try to always ask, "why is this important to me?" if you are arguing.
You've been on the site in strife for a while; she might just want to have two clear routes to choose from. Regardless of what she says, remember that fear can make the worst words come out.
When I drove there in one car with her, my heart was ripped more by each km. But I kept my face and body controlled. Be self-controlled, dbs. I'm sorry that you're going to have to go through this. Give her a reason to go home wanting you, not a reason for her to feel a D would make her happy.
Well it looks like no mediation meeting tomorrow. Our oldest daughter who recently had surgery for gallstones has not been well, and had to go back in tonight as they lasered her kidney in the process.
My W had to go to work tonight after we watched the grandkids, and she has not slept from working 8 hours last night, so she decided that leaving straight from work at 5:30am to drive 3 hours to get to this meeting and then driving home just was not going to work.
She also did not realize until we talked today that this would be similar to the last go around with a mediator. Really geared more toward moving the D along, with the focus on a financial settlement, rather then discussing ideas on working on the relationship. Part of the reason she's not going.(or so she said)
More stalker items, but I'm letting her handle that. This guy is kooky enough, and drunk enough though that there is no telling what he might do. She's now moving.
Well she was on the tail end of healing (supposedly). Now they say another 3 weeks, and she is miserable. My W may just camp out there to get away from her stalker? That should be fun. I love ALL my kids, but that particular D seems to have real issues with keeping her house clean and picked up. I helped do that yesterday.
It's one of those places where you're sure you're going to get something from being there-and my W usually always does.
I went to the hearing anyway so that they would be aware that I was aware my W was not going to make it, and I was ok with it. The mediator confirmed that indeed it is more about moving the D along, just helping sort out the financials. He and I spent over an hour discussing my mentally ill son and some of my current issues. He (like most) encouraged me to grow a pair and DECIDE what I wanted, state that clearly to my W and then move that direction kindly, but to MOVE, no matter what happens. Sure makes sense to me. Now just to do it. Thanks for the kind words all.
Two very attractive, fun and vivacious gals are interested in me. It brings my mojo back. I'm not having to beg and grovel like a dog for attention. One lives down by my wife and would like to do dinner. Another lives 800 miles away and would like to do more then that.
I am somewhat attracted to the one that lives far away, but would not go there for fear of what might happen. The other I am very attracted to, I don't necessarily worry I'd get myself into trouble right off morally, but I am hesitant to even meet her as I am still married.
What it has done is bring to the surface a great deal of resentment I have toward my wife and the feeling of having to continually chase her for reassurance, affection and acceptance of ME. I can return to being the assertive, confident me, without the fear of being reminded of all my mistakes, or shortcomings. Heck, these gals like my personality the way it is (without of course the items I DO need to ditch). But most of you know what I'm trying to say here.
I'm not saying the changes necessary in me are not needed, or shouldn't continue. But the eggshell dance is not needed with these girls. I can be ME without fear of rejection, humiliation, "do you remember what you did 23 yrs ago" talk. It is so refreshing and welcome, that it has really got me to the brink. As the last 4 mc's and even the mediator today said-"You've got to do something different or you'll be back here again in a year". And he's right!!!!!!!
I am really torn. I love my wife. I hate how she treats me! I don't want to hurt either of these gals, because I could rationalize it's just friends, but most of us have heard that one, and I sure didn't like what happened from there. They've both been divorced and I don't want to add to anyone's pain of rejection. I could easily see friendship with one leading to something else real quick, and the other...she could very well be a very long term replacement for the W who has stomped all over my emotions and heart for the last 15 years or so. Man am I soooo tired of her merry-go-round. I so don't want to do this anymore.
I'm at the point to put down a very short time frame for my W to agree to actually start working on the m with counseling and a plan to live together again, or move it on to be done with it and on to someone who would gladly love to have someone at home everyday, that works hard, is faithful to her and wants to be in an R. The one that could be a candidate for the next Mrs. even knows who I am from 35 years ago and is still excited about it. And she is cute and nice!(They both are).
So folks-I know this is my decision. I also know I am at the point I am no longer willing to just keep waiting, and waiting, and even if getting back together never see things change. I've had 4 ic's tell me that with my wife's issues and her unwillingness to work on them it never will. I cannot see myself doing this another year. You can only KA for so long, and the taste of poo never gets any better.
Has anyone else been through this? Do I dare go to dinner and take the chance of a connection and possibly hurting someone, or can it just be a casual meeting without having that happen? Man would I love to see the sparkle in a women's eye's again without knowing that at any time she can just flip and I have to do the eggshell boogey forever.
Two very attractive, fun and vivacious gals are interested in me.
I remember having a couple really good (but also short) conversations with another person a few days in a row and thinking some of the compatibility things you mentioned. It felt so right. I didn't encourage or discourage it.
Then, a month later, she did something that totally disgusted me. It was then I really remembered what got me here in the first place wasn't that I married someone perfect. It was that all marriages have some imperfections from both sides. There are those moments of disgust for many people - H and W. But teh 60% of M that don't D have a H and W that somehow BOTH negotiate those moments.
The first choice is one - do you want to be M to your W, dbs? As she is, that is. Yes, she'll change in time and so will you. She may deal with some of her issues, and she may not. Ignore the pain she caused you and focus in on her the person. Do you really want her, love or no love?
If you do - focus on being M and fight for your M. That means fighting off these feelings, while still enjoying the self-esteem lift.
Doing something different doesn't mean dating. It means making hard choices. Dating is the easy option - isn't it? GAL, 180s, etc...those are harder because they change you, not replace her.
So, ya, I've been through it. The thoughts still cross me. I set them aside for now and use that energy to make choices and make changes.
My IC said that if all the bads of my & my Ws dynamics kill me, then I should re-evaluate whether I believe the R is healthy.
Honestly, I don't think my R is healthy now. BUT, I do think it can be. So I give it time. I have to improve, too. So I'm putting up with her cr-- and making boundaries. I know that there are limits for time, but until I've given up on my R, I know I need to avoid any chance of having the OW.
Love is love. If you find yourself loving another woman, would it be fair to her or you to let go of that had your wife returned? Telling her that you're interested but need to back off for a few more weeks/months/whatever to make sure you can't fix your M will only raise her view of you.
