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I could be his words, I have that book, but I have yet to read it. However, you will find this in many books, and many religions, and quoted in different ways.

I now look at this as the hallmark of emotional maturity.

Read that sentence again above.

How did reading that make you feel?

In my past, I would have said that looked like a judgment against me, when now I realize that it is not. When you are not living in the here and now, you will constantly: React to what others are doing, or saying, or how does it affect me now, or in the future, etc, etc, etc, and you will not be able to listen to what is being said by someone, or realize that what other people are doing or saying truly don't have anything to do with you but have to do with themselves



Stop holding out hope for your M. Your W doesn't want to be married, for her reasons, and is on her journey. Continue on your journey, for you, and put your focus there. Does that mean that you could wind up together again. You don't know so again can't predict this, but the right here and right now is accepting that you are on your own journey and being the best CTH you can be for you and your girls. Show them that you do not need someone in your life who doesn't want to be there to define who you are, your happiness, and most importantly your life. It is your life to live to the fullest, regardless of your present circumstances.



Here's a chance to work on acceptance. Accept that you now realize this, and then truly accept you can't change the past, then forgive yourself for these mistakes so you can truly accept and change them moving forward.



Just drop the rest of this sentence for a moment. Breath in the cold air. How does it feel when you do? As it nips your nose, and then fills your lungs, and you feel your chest expand? How does the sky truly look against the backdrop of the trees, or the house, what do the color's evoke in you while you observe the bird flying past, or your kids running by. Just stop and observe in the moment and forget the past and the future. You will find peace in that moment, and THAT is being mindfully aware of yourself in the moment.



Let go of it now.

Accept that they will get done, and no matter what you will be fine.

I know I am sounding all preachy and new age, but if you knew me you would know that is so not who I am, but this stuff works to center yourself, and truly find CTH that is important to himself and his kids right now..

Make the present moment a great one for CTH!

Irrelevant.

To CTH.

I know some people may 2x4 me for saying so, but this has nothing to do with you, and why I feel it is now irrelevant to our sitch's and current state.

For the record, my stbxw exhibits signs of this, and I now ignore them, as they don't have anything to do with me. and everything to do with her.

So, knowing that, we can't do anything about them, why try? What we can do is control how we react to things, and what we set as behavior we will or will not tolerate. (IE: a boundary)

Off to mediation session No. 3. My goal is to listen, listen, listen and see how it goes.

A few weeks ago a poster suggested Susan Anderson's "A journey from Abandonment to Healing." I picked it up last night and thanks to my sister it didn't cost me anything. She sent me a bunch of unused gift cards, including a $25 Barnes & Noble card. The book only cost $14 and change so I still have room for another book.

Last night's Marriage Rebuilders session was interesting. A lady in it who has only been out of the house for two weeks essentially walked out on the group because we were telling her she is letting her STBXH have all the power by getting angry over everything. She was complaining her attorney wasn't doing anything for her. We told her to change attorneys then. She said she couldn't, she's paid this one too much already.

Really, each week she's blown up over something or another. When it was over, I felt better about myself. I've met her husband, he's a tempermental drunk. But she's a tempermental non-drunk who believes everything wrong in her life is 110% his fault.

Unless she deals with her own anger issues she's never going to get better. I feel sorry for her kids, there's four of them, to have two such angry parents.

After the session, I signed up to be a table leader in the future. I feel after 11 months that I can help others. And when you are helping others you are helping yourself.

Good luck with mediation.

That is too bad about the lady and her family. Some people just dont grow from such situations.

Well, I just finished walking around downtown for 40 minutes.

The mediation went fine. We talked over holidays. Then it came back to who gets physical custody. At one point STBXW started talking about the house and how she can't afford to stay there and she'll have to sell it for way less than we owe.

I just kept looking at her and letting her talk.

Eventually, we ran out of things to talk about so the mediator let us out 15 minutes early. And I looked at the clock and I didn't want to leave. I wanted those extra 15 minutes. It felt like a metaphor to our marriage. I wanted to stay in that room and still feel married.

After was worse. She waited to walk out with me and she said she forgot to bring the wedding rings -- they were from my grandmother so they are an heirloom -- and if I had time I could come get them now. I just looked at her and couldn't say anything.

As we got near our cars she said "I know this isn't what you want and I'm sorry."

I stopped and looked at her but couldn't think of what to say. I wanted to hug her. I didn't know what to do. So I started moving towards my car again.

She took a step and said again, "I'm sorry."

I stopped again and looked at her and then kept going to my car.

I am an absolute and complete mess today.

..and that's divorce CTH. I'm so sorry for you. All I can say is...go back and read my threads...and be grateful that she is being cooperative and not a combatant. I've had the police called twice..two orders of protection...children pulled out of my arms or locked in a car so that I can't see them.

There is always a different spin on things. Make lemonade out of lemons, another overused cliche here.

FIB

Years from now I may be grateful. I've read other people's situations and I can't imagine being put through that kind of ringer. But when I sit there and talk about the end of the most important relationship in my life I just get so sad.

Weird thing last night -- and this is the first time it happened. I dreamed that I had the girls and I had to swing by the house to get something for the girls. I walked in the front door and I looked and there was a man sitting on the couch. I didn't clearly see STBXW, but I noticed someone trying to get up from the couch.

Wow. That hurt as a dream.

Hey CTH -

Just typing in to lend some moral support.

It's tough. It's really tough. I know, I've been there. FIB is right, it could be worse, but I guess I just want to say that I can relate to where you are right at this moment.

It WILL get better. Hang on. You don't have to DO anything right now. Let it be. Let tomorrow come.

It's called grieving, CTH and be glad that you are! Those who don't end up in worse positions down the road. Feel to heal, as my IC used to say (and I'd answer "and I'm paying you $100 for that?"...she was right, of course)

iwitw,

^^^THIS^^^

Regret (yesterday) and worry (tomorrow) are twin thieves that rob us of today.

I've found the easiest way to introduce mindfulness is to slooow dooown.
In everything you do.