I'll check out that website. I'm doing pretty good with NC and I think I'm doing ok with loving from a distance. He knows how I feel even though he likes to claim that I've never wanted him and is surprised that I'm not happy. He knows. Everyone knows how I feel. I'm being more than cooperative, respectful, and nice (even when he's HATEFUL and trying to provoke me) while having visually NC so I'd consider that loving from the distant. Ya think so?
Tonight, at baseball game, my mother there, as well as H's parents and H. H and I never spoke a word. After game, I gave him envelope will all bill/account info again, health insur apps, 1/2 of money from 4 wheeler, disconnect notices, copies of bills, etc. Went to tell him what was in envelope as I handed it to him. He turned his back to me. His mother just shook her head and I walked away. When we approached his truck, went to tell H that son would rather one get 2gether. H interrupted and said "I tried to tell you!" (Which he didn't. S11 and I had talk in front of H. All H said was that he didn't understand why we needed to do sep get 2gethers.
Anyway, after we left, I check bal in joint ckng acct. It was over $100 more in the neg, so I texted H the following:
One of the papers in that envelope showed that the bal in the account was neg 215 like on Fri. Checked bal just now. Now it's neg 320.54 cause life insur (80.54) drafted today and NSF fee of 25 too. Told you of insur draft on papers from 4/7, on papers I gave you Sat, and in email today. Thought I'd update you since papers I just gave you are not most recent figures any longer.
H's response: CANCEL THE F'ING LIFE INSURANCE & ANYTHING ELSE THAT DOESN'T MATTER. ARE YOU THAT DAMN STUPID?!
I copied my text to H and his response and sent them to his mother. This is ridiculous! Am I stupid? Hello! We have kids. H works around things that could kill him everyday. If he died, me and my kids are screwed. You'd think that for the kids sake, he want to keep the life insur so that they'd be taken care of but no.
Last edited by dedicated; 04/20/1003:35 AM. Reason: added to post
R22, yes. He's one mean sob. Patience is a virtue I possess and seem to have perfected after 17 years with him. Everyone tells me there's no way they could put up with it. I'm tough and with blood drippin', I keep up the fight. My parents didn't raise a quitter.
Problem is, there may be a time when I respect myself more than my vows and my perserverance in this sitch. Surprisingly I'm not there yet. Can't believe it myself but it's true.
Where do I live? Pirogue does kinda give it away, huh?
You are doing very good at the patience, it really inspires me.
I was afraid of the NC too because H was telling me I never wanted him and didn't really love him. So I felt NC was the wrong thing. However, I have found that he is contacting way more then me him. Granted it's really only about bills and kids. I would advice you limit contact to only what you have to and be nice.
Being nice has been the hardest for me because all I want to do is yell at him. I've only done it for the last 3 weeks, but I've noticed a huge difference in his attitude. Also, I don't ask him any questions about OW or what he is doing and that has helped too. What I'm starting to realize is that me being nice is helping me and my kids more then him anyway. So it's part of me GAL.
My H did the same thing with the house the first couple of months we were sep. I hated it, that is all he ever said to me. Because your H is not paying (greatful that mine was) I think the best thing for you is to get a L to order him to pay it.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
I can honestly say that I've been EXTREMELY nice to him. During the last eight years (due to the guilt of my dating while we were seperated in 2002 per H's advice), I've done very well at letting his hateful words and gestures go. I've spent a lot of time thinking about every word I say to him prior to speaking and making sure it's in the right tone of voice so that I wouldn't set him off. That part of my LRT isn't new. It's normal for me to have extreme patience with H, bite my tongue, and play nice when he doesn't. It's good to know that you're seeing results by the NC and being nice. There have been moments that I see TINY positive reactions but for the most part, nothing is getting to him to steer him on a positive path re: our M. I pray that the NC and me GAL will make him realize what he's losing rather than him think that he's right and I really don't care and have never wanted him.
S11 did tell me that H spent the weekend using "some little black phone texting". (That would be the phone for his parents' business that he only uses when he's up to no good. That's the phone he's used to talk to childhood friend behind my back. He talks to her on his regular phone where I can see the phone records. There was someone that he talked to on his regular phone for a week or so starting about 10 days after he left. Surely that's who he's texting with.) When S11 would ask what he was doing, he'd say "business".
Am I handling things right? Am I doing the right techniques?
A 180 would be me telling him exactly what I think of his actions and words.
I'm trying to have NC. I'm trying to GAL and do LRT. Only contact is about bills and/or kids.
The only time that I have brought up sitch to him was on Mar 20th when he showed up to pack his things. I cried and begged and tried to get him to talk to me and not to leave. That's the only time. Since, I've only responded with a calm tone and polite words when he makes comments like "you never wanted me in 17 years". When he sends hateful texts, I just don't respond. When he sends texts regarding kids/bills, I respond in as little words as poss.
It sounds like to me that you are doing good things not to escalate conflict with a guy who is spoiling for a fight about money, the kids, the house, etc.
I think it's also good not to beg, plead, but stay calm and polite and hopeful about your M. That is your right to express yourself without trying to convince. You don't have to share his opinion or attempt to convince him of yours.
The fact is you have your work cut out for you. He may be hellbent on all of this because of whatever mood thing he has going on with the stress. You can read some of those articles about boundary statements not to allow someone to verbally abuse you. There's seems to be a difference between standing up for yourself by not engaging and saying calmly "I will speak to you when you are calmer sometime" or somethign like that and giving him a "piece of your mind" about his actions and words. I'm not saying he doesn't deserve it. I'm saying take the high road so as not to escalate the war about money and the house because you need a place to live!
Hope this week gets easier for you. Hang in there!
I don't think there's any perfectly "right" or correct way to DB. People on here say it's a work in progress not to make a situation worse and hopefully improve it.
H called my cell. I purposely let it go to VM twice. No messages. Thought H might have been calling re: money so I waited 15 mins or so and called from land line. (I did that to record call with my cell.)
Glad I did. H wanted to start a fight over every bill he could think of. I'm stupid, don't have priorities in line, no smarter than a second grader, etc. I kept my cool the entire twenty min call only responding calmly to his opinions with mine, telling him that I wouldn't have the name calling or the yelling and cussing. H says not paying for any health or life insur b/c not necessity. Threatened that if I didn't agree to cancelling life and health insurances and selling the house, then obviously I'm not thinking straight and shouldn't be taking care of our kids. Told me that the "fantasy world I'm living in is about to explode" and that I better find somewhere else to live quickly because he's taking over and will take the kids too. Said that b/c I'm too stupid to not have cancelled life insur before it drafted and it was same amt as elec bill, the lights will be cut off.
I have the conv recorded as I said. Called his Mom and told her of his call. She was "in shock", doesn't understand why he's doing this, doesn't think he'll take kids or do any of his threats and is just trying to make me hate him and get me to fight with him. I told her that I'm getting to the point where out of protection but not wanting D, I'm gonna have to file so that judge will force him to do what he should. She told me that no one in his fam would be upset with me and would understand if I did and why.
Should I go file or try to wait it out and see what he does?
My parents would have to charge the L on their card. I don't want to file but am not trusting H right now about anything.
Oh. His mom and sis are convinced he's having an affair. They offered to pull his company phone records a couple weeks ago. Should I ask them if offer still stands. (H tried to change all account info on our cell account today.)
