Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Show of hands - expose or not - success stories

No, Allen, OW doesn't have children... she's just a barfly, probably going through something very similar to what he's going through. She's 43 and never had children, they were going to wait until H's children turned 18 in two years for her to move in to my position as W b/c she doesn't want anything to do with kids .

Let's get some facts straight. The children are not that young and OW and OWH have no children if my memory serves me right.

No-one is saying one label is easier than the other- the point being made is that you keep looking for 'names' to the problem rather than solutions.

Oh yeah, and about FB- that's snooping and it hurts YOU but proves nothing.

You are all over the place passenger.

IMO Allen's route will alienate your H at the moment because he looks like he is looking for an excuse to leave. Your posts much earlier in the day made much more sense than your later ones.

Allen, do you think that exposure had a diff effect on your wife and Puppy's wife b/c of gender differences?

I don't see the effect exposure is having on him. It did make OW back off - at least publicly - and tell OWH they're going to go to counseling... but I suspect that's for show and the A is underground.

I think if OWH had just let her leave, OW and H would be together right now publicly. Am I just too close to it? You guys seem to think it's had more of an effect that I do.

Saffie, do you have a link to your old thread? What type of A did your H have? Was your H in "love" with OW and planning to move to her?

Face it passenger, exposure han't been a magic bullet for you for whatever reason. Doesn't matter what happened in other sitch's- it's not working in yours.

I don't know Allen's sitch, but from what I know of puppy's, appearance has always been a big thing for his wife; along with income- big motivators if you really think you are going to lose them.

You need to decide on a course of action and stick to it for a couple of weeks to see if it works. You talked about distancing yourself earlier and getting your H to look after his own kids to give you some you time- why not try that for a while? As I said before it will keep H busy and away from OW if nothing else but hopefully he will also learn a new respect for all you do for him and his family.

That's probably b/c I woke up feeling clarity and peace, being in a nice comfy bed with people who care for me and are taking care of me, and then I spent the day in bed reading sitch's and trying to make decisions and I made myself crazy again.

I feel I need to take some time away from this whole mess, but at the same time, I feel the need to read books and websites and try to make decisions.

Whatever, I am heading home tonight and will be upbeat, happy, calm, serene...

H hasn't been home since yesterday afternoon. He left DSS16 alone and DSS20 had to find a ride to work. I hope he's coming back to pick him up tonight at 10:30. I have a feeling he's blowing off the whole family again and I'm not there to pick up the pieces.

I disagree, it could be a MLC and only Pass will know the answer to that.Whatever is going on, his brain is mush..totally.You are not reasoning with a sane man.

I agree that the approach with an A is generally the same but the impact could be different if her H was in a MLC.
Her H has completely lost the plot and I have to agree with Puppy these A are more dangerous than any additiction..supported by OW who are masters of their Art.
Pass it doesnt change the key messages, you are a smart cookie, you know the answers.I keep mentioning Saffie.She has had a positive outcome which most, if not all of us only hope and pray we get some day.
Look after you, GAL, detach and become the woman you once were before this H of yours started his carry on.We can continue to write screeds, this is what is important for YOU....

Exposure is not a one face deal.

There are so many variables involved :

1. Who you expose to
2. The relationships you have with the exposed party
3. The relationships your partner has with the exposed party
4. The response of the exposed parties to WS
5. The content of the exposure
6. The behaviour of the LBS during exposure and post exposure

With my wife, yes, she went underground again... I just exposed again... The thing is, if WS LIES to the exposed party and says soemthing like "he's not having an affair anymore, he's leaving the family alone" and then you catch him again - you can just expose again...

The exposure DOES have impact, because they insist on HIDING it... if exposure was ineffective they wouldn't hide... it DOES shake the affair up when it's brought out into public view.

You may not SEE the strain on the affair that exposure causes.. those fights are done in secret between those two, but you can be sure it DOES shake things up quite a bit.

Remember too Pass that your H is playing a similar game as you are... He is trying to "play it cool" as much as you are right now... you are "acting as if", and he's playing that game to challenge you...

Your H feels entitled right now, he has buried any remorse he has for his actions in order to save face. His addiction is so strong right now that he can't allow remorse to surface... it is too overwhelming for him. So he uses anger to suppress the remorse. He smiles, but there's a dagger in every one...

You won't see the effects of exposure on him... Exposure is used to shake up the foundations of the infidelity and weaken its hold on them... And I do believe it has done that in spades.

He feels entitled, but I think the exposure put a significant doubt in both their minds... don't expect them to ADVERTIZE that doubt.. But I am confident it's there.

My wife had doubts for a very long time after I started confronting the infidelity properly.. but I never saw it... i had to do recon to find out, and to interview her after withdrawal... she acted as if as well as I was...

I act as if the affair doens't hurt like hell
She acts as if the exposure didn't phase her

We were BOTH PERFORMING to save face against the other

I suspect your H is playing the same game...

Right, I had in my head that the OW had two young kids... I think I have so many OP's households in my head right now I can't keep track of it all... its like watching a dozen soap operas daily lol

The point is the same though, your H isn't showing any remorse for attacking another household, children or no children... It's a horrible act of subterfuge, but your H doesn't seem to care in the slightest.

I dunno... I would get as much INTEL as I could and if I found anything solid I would expose to his kids.. I think your stepkids are old enough to be in the loop... assuming they havent' figured things out on their own...

When Phil McGraw did an affair intervention last fall on his show he has the whole family on the show, not just the Husband and the Wife... there were two adult daughters (20 and 22 I think), and 18 yo daughter and a 14 yo daughter all there to sit in...

I would say Phil McGraw though is also a hardliner... he doesn't pull punches if an addiction is involved.. he grew up with an alcoholic father and he's quite aggressive about addictions and infidelity...

Allen is right all a game.So stop playing and do something that is easier look after YOU and screw him, if he wants to throw away a good thing at this time let him..you will be the winner not him..you will be happy some day..not him,moving from A to A.
Pass lose your transparency and do what makes you happy.You cant control him..no matter how hard you try..your break doin it..hugs and lots of them.