Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Time for darkness.... (thread number 3)ears open

I really am kind of disappointed c.g.

I stayed up reading ur enitre sitch saying wow this is a really strong person to go trhough all of that. That's why I stated not everyone can be that strong. I know I'm not. But u got defensive and have made me feel like crap with this I told u so attitude

So if u choose not to respond? That's fine.

But if u go look bacj at you own sitch and then back at mine?

You'd see what I see. Encouraging words given to you. I gurantee if you would have started dbing the instant you found out about ow you would see backsliding too. I believe we all do it.

I know what mistakes I made and I think I have learned from them. Iadmitted it. So why heep on with the I told you sos and pointing out what I cannot fix right now and assuming what I will and won't do

I'm trying to grow as a person and I really do not appreciate the posts you have responded with over the past day or so.

I lamost stated myself for you to stop posting but some of the things you stated were right I admitted it.

Yet instead of showing any compassion your replies seem very condescending and mean

Sorry you feel that way, James. You have been very rude to several posters here but if you feel the need to signal me out that is fine. I know I am compassionate so your opinion of my is really just that... your opinion. I also agree with you that me posting to you does no as you don't seem to understand why I am as direct about your situation. I have been in hell with my health situation so I can relate. However, if you are going to post comments about my situation please be sure they are accurate or you request clarification.

And to correct what you said about MY situation. Yes, I agree it was totally crazy to not be able to say anything about my H's affair for nearly 6 months. However, seeing you how you read my entire thread you would also know I live in a "fault" state and due to the legal strategy I had with my attny it was for the best as per the laws of my state. But I agree 110%, it was a crazy way to have to live and certainly not something I would want anybody else to have to experience due to the emotional and physical toll it took on me.

And since you brought up the night in May of 2008 when my husband came over here and a terrible incident occurred. I shared that with the group to show how awful things can be for the LBS when they do not set and enforce boundaries. It was a HUGE mistake I made and openly shared it so perhaps another LBS can see why it is essential to set boundaries.

If you have any further questions about my situation it would be best to post them in my thread.

You wouldn't dare talk to Rob or Puppy that way but somehow you decided since I am not Rob or Puppy (who have given the same advice in the same direct fashion I have) that it was okay to lash out at me. I hope things improve for you and one day you perhaps accept that direct conversation with somebody who has been through an affair, awful health issues and a separation/divorce might have a bit more insight then somebody who has not.

Then why not say that? It seems like you are being extremely hard on me. Rob and PDT give flack but they give flack to almost everyone. I expect that from them.

With you I see compassion towards others. But giving me a hard time why? Because of our health issues? To push me harder? I mean what?

I'm not near where you were C.G. I'm not as strong as you were when you were dealing with this. I wish I was but I'm not. I want my WAW to love me and be happy with me again. But I don't want her back the way she is acting and the way I'm still hurt and trying to get over things myself and work on those issues I know I have.

But it's hard not to reach out to her. She knows it. But I hoped that her intentions were genuine when she'd call to check on me and about the doctor. I don't know what her intentions are now.

All I see is her full of anger and rage. I wish I could take all her pain and hurt away.

It's taking everything in my power not to text her. or call her. or check on her and see how she's doing. Or to talk to her about my day and other things.

She was truly my best friend and one of my only friends. so detaching is way harder.

I guess it's hard for me to understand how love cannot conquer all. HOw by being nice and kind you can't impact or influence and show someone that love is there.

How I can sit at someone's bedside every time they were sick and they say things about how I don't care and want to hurt them?

How I can just be avoided and forgotten? That's what the dates were about. Showing her I cared. She told me she didn't love herself God didn't love her and she was a terrible mother and all this stuff that made me really sad.

Yes we argue. I'm very confused. One day it's this way the next day totally opposite. Then we ML and go out and it's passionate and it's like she's forgotten that focus on bad things?

I'm trying to detach. But whenever i go to the doctor I think about her not being there with me like we both used to do for each other pushing ourselves to try and get well.

How can someone go from being this loving caring person to this hurtful person who only seems to care about herself and surface material things and clothes and stuff like that?

She never used to be that way. She used to appreciate the little things.

I have not cried this much in my entire life.

I just wonder if she misses me at all. If I showed enough love. Why she hates me so much. Someone who has been there.

I do not understand it. So I'll stay dark (and really try to do it) but I've been even sending texts on my phone typing them up and then deleting them right before I send them.


I took the stuff animals over there and left them because I felt that bad and like an idiot because she never mentioned how hurt she was about lunch. I felt that bad. I thought the stuffed animals would cheer her up.



I don't even know if there's any hope in my sitch anymore

Actually direct advice is what he needs so don't change your approach if you decide to continue commenting on his thread, I think direct is best with every user on these forums. Just an observation James but sometimes I don't think you're looking for real advice, just some sympathy and pity for how hard your situation is and granted your situation is tough, wallowing in self-pity isn't going to make it any better.

rob I expect that from you and pdt. I know that's your way. I just wanted to know why C.G. is so hard on me. yes I need the direct approach and bluntness. But I need a little compassion mixed in. Everyone does.

If I was wallowing I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be trying to do anything to try to fix myself. I would'nt even go to the doctor or do the surgery or look for work.

I know I'm depressed. Especially after the dates and ML then her avoiding me about me being blunt and direct about SD8 and getting hurt.

I know I need to hear the truth too. The truth is I messed things up alot worse than before. I don't know if I can even fix it at this point. I want to text her and say I'm sorry for the lunch and for showing up at her place even though it was to bring a gift.

I dont know if she will ever love or trust me again. I know she has to show me too though. I don't know if she will put in the work to do so.

So yes I'm still afraid. This woman used to tell me our hearts beat in tune. How god send I was. etc etc. Nobody ever made me feel that way before. Now I feel totally on the other side of the spectrum

I just don't understand how she can be so lovey dovey then so full of hate the next minute.

I don't know how to fix this stuff so I'm just dark. maybe she won't ever talk to me again and doesn't care anymore. I don't know anymore

Then why not say that? It seems like you are being extremely hard on me. Rob and PDT give flack but they give flack to almost everyone. I expect that from them.

If you are talking about the night in May of 2008 when my H came over here and he was active in his affair... I DID say I shared the story to show how damaging it can be to a LBS that does not set boundaries. You said you read all my posts and I spent almost an entire day sharing that story with Kevin in Dallas when he was having lots of trouble setting boundaries. So, if you read them all you would know I was very upfront about all the mistakes I made.

Nobody is giving you "flack". Honestly, you just don't listen to what you don't like to hear so it seems the very direct and blunt way is the best way with you. We have told you over and over again you are making things worse, much worse yet you don't listen. So why bother? Rob, Puppy and ME have been through this already and instead of arguing about EVERYTHING that is kindly posted to you why not just take ONE day and really listen?


With you I see compassion towards others. But giving me a hard time why? Because of our health issues? To push me harder? I mean what?

I have not given you a hard time. Seeing the situation you are in that is a very immature stance to take. I have offered you feedback based on what you have shared. You just didn't like it. Then you went to my threads and picked out bits and pieces without having all the information. IMO you are the one giving me a hard time.

I'm not near where you were C.G. I'm not as strong as you were when you were dealing with this. I wish I was but I'm not. I want my WAW to love me and be happy with me again. But I don't want her back the way she is acting and the way I'm still hurt and trying to get over things myself and work on those issues I know I have.

Actually, I wasn't strong. I was hospitalized twice, once for a nervous breakdown. But I started listening and then I got stronger. What you posted above is ALL the more reason to listen. I loved my husband. I still do actually. As I type this he is moving into a townhouse with OW. Do you think that is easy for me? It's not. But I am curbing that crushing feeling by participating here then going to a b-day party later. When he comes Tuesday to move the last of his furniture I will find something productive to do then FOR ME. So no, it's not easy.

I'm not even going to read the rest of the stuff about your W. Going dark is two fold. One part NO CONTACT (text, e-mail, phone) and the other part is making your W "dark" in your mind. Instead of posting all this crap about your W you should be training your mind to focus on you and YOU only. So when you gave me sh*t about me saying walking wasn't good you again, were NOT listening. Walking is great however mentally you need to be pushing yourself as well. And you are not.

I suggested you find resources on the following:

emotional thought stopping
detachment
all aspects of going dark
personal goal setting

I have four huge binders filled with resources from the boards, the Internet, my IC and my "in person" divorce support group. Chances are I have read or have filed what you come across. Let me know what you read and if I haven't read it, I will then we can discuss it. That is a big part of going dark - focusing on you. Not all these posts about your W.

ANYBODY here is welcome to ask me anything about my experience and situation but picking out little bits is not the right way to do it. Telling me I am not compassionate is pretty far off base IMO.

You are mentally torturing yourself which will lead to more sickness. But pointing that out to you makes me rude and thoughtless so not sure what else to say.

why expect different from CG, because she's a girl?
if so, that's a bit of a double standard and that suggests more work in that respect - she's just as good if not better than PDT or myself, her advice just as valid and she provides insight from a female perspective, something PDT, Steve, Gucci, myself and any other male user on this site can't provide.

And you are still working the angle of whether or not your wife will ever trust you again although she had the affair and you still don't get it, you are still proving yourself to someone who cheated on you, what's wrong with you? Why do you have that mindset?

Hey ROB - I am a W-O-M-A-N (no girl

I know I'm going to regret this, but I feel like I have to comment.



That is ridiculous. First of all, if that double standard is based on ideas that men are supposed to be direct and firm and women are supposed to be nurturing and soft, then you have more issues to work on. If it's not, then you're simply not paying very close attention.

CityGirl is so NOT the rah-rah type. I can't remember seeing an instance where she's just patting someone on the back for no good reason. Yes, she is compassionate and supportive but that's because the person she is talking to warrants that response.

From what I've read of your sitch (which isn't a lot because I can't stomach people wallowing in self-pity) several people have been direct with you and you have refused to follow their advice, get upset, and wallow some more.

This is what you said to Puppy a couple pages back:



Yet you berate CG for being direct and suggesting you need to do things differently?

Those of us who have walked through fire and come out the other side are trying to pay it forward and help other people get through similar terrible situations and hopefully do so quicker and easier than we did. We understand the pain and want to do our part to lessen it for others as much as possible.

Speaking for myself, I choose not to spend my valuable time and energy posting to people who repeatedly ignore offered advice and then chalk it up to "but I'm trying."

You're lucky to have some heavy hitters here. I recommend actually following their advice for a change.

And James, you say your W was one of your only friends and that is not good at all.

Yes, I do have an amazing family and friends but I have spent time nurturing those relationships. And once I stopped putting so much focus on my H and what he was doing I was able to nurture the R's with my family and friends in a much different (and better way).

I might not have much to offer but one thing I do have is an amazing ability to read and retain information. I did NOT continue to harp on you once you said there was not a bus or taxi available for you. HOWEVER did you not say that the day you and your W got the motel room you decided to do that for privacy instead of taking the BUS back to her place. You did. So it doesn't seem unreasonable if to suggest a bus since you have mentioned the bus before.

And yes, you are acting like a crazy person. So far you have shared that you went to Texas on somebody else's dime to get services/training for people that are vision impaired. You said you have to get a special contact for your eye and you are getting a fairly major procedure done. You said you might have brain damage from a 109 fever that you never had checked out. You have said you have diabetic episodes, one so bad you have been kicked out of school and you are not welcomed back. You have legal troubles with your children. You are in a very emotionally unstable place. So getting in a CAR and DRIVING with your health issues and mental instability to bring your cheating wife a stuffed animal is the behavior of a crazy person.

And thanks Pearl