Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers What does this mean?- the WH's regrets?

wow GATSBY- your H's behavior is eerily similar in some ways to mine acted during pregnancy while I was NC but in your case there is no OW!



This is exactly how I feel about my WH-I know his potential better than he knows it for himself.

I know you expressed concern that his current actions could make it comfortable for him to get used to single life. I was not expecting my WH to 1)not come back after S was born but 2)to be soooo crazy about S! (just due to the situation- I knew if we were together he would be!)

SO I say this because in your H's case, he may be so enamoured with your little baby girl and want to see her all the time. Because you are being so strong and wise and not afraid of divorce, I can see you setting boundaries. Now for me, I thought that it was punishing my S if my H didn't get to see him. BUT I didn't realize that S wouldn't care about anyone else besides his momma for the first couple of months.

I was also worried that if H didn't see S a lot, then he wouldn't bond with him. In hindsight, yes I am glad he stayed with me post birth and he bonded with S during that time. I really needed help those first 2 weeks and didn't have anyone to move in with me to help.

BUT then I should have implemented the parenting plan damn it!!! Meaning I should have said, like we planned previously,

"ok you get to see him 2 days for 3 hours each. I need to not be around you. It is too painful for me. You obviously don't want a family but I do know you love S. Unfortunately, because this is the path you chose, you will need to act like a divorced father and grow to get used to it."

arghh. shoulda woulda coulda.

OK so this relates to you because I can see you setting boundaries, I can see your H will want to be with your D a lot, and if he is going to choose the singles life he can't have both.

I really did need the breaks that WH provided by being here 6 days per week but I couldn't find a way to detach from him while he was here. And S was too young to be transported in a car! Oh learn from my mistakes great Gatsby! (lol)

Hey newmama! Thanks for visiting.

Heh heh, he could have an OW. I really don't know. I don't go snooping around looking for one, but I have to assume it. It does make a difference to me, though. If he does have one, I'm like "F you." If he doesn't, that's all right. So. . . yeah.

(He did make out with a girl a few weeks after we separated, but I don't think that went anywhere. But she could be the OW. She's stupid, though, really stupid. If he does have one, I hope it IS her because she's so lame.)

So it's a little sad to hear that your WH hasn't returned since S was born. I need to go over to your thread to catch up!

I am soooo setting boundaries about him seeing me. I really don't want to see him unless he wants to see me, period. I'm going to have other people help me during the first part of baby caretaking! I even put in my contract that he'll pay for hired help, if that's what I want. He hasn't signed that contract yet, though...

I can't help but think that if he wants to be with her, he'd want to be with me. But it might not happen.

So I got the gifts he sent today. Here's his message:

Dear Gatsby,

The support, wisdom, and above all, happiness that you are going to give our daughter will ensure a life full of laughter and love.

WH


I rolled my eyes at first, then got irritated, then got a little teary, and am now back to irritated. I am really getting sick of all these WAS. Every time I see a new post from a newcomer I'm like, "Really? OMG!"

Ok, enough for now. I'm supposed to go see Date Night. Come on, Tina Fey, bring the funny!

The movie was pretty good. . . quite funny at some parts!

I accidentally posted this twice so now I'm "editing" so I'm not repeating myself. . . baby's got hiccups again. . . okay, that's all!

wow! H sent you gifts for the baby!!! did you reply or contact him bc of the gift?

i truly wonder how their minds work... dont you? maybe his fears really have set him back... i wish there were a book for Preggers like us and WAH's. so many questions... completely different circumstances than other stories posted on here, yet somewhat similar. Dont want to give you false hope... just dont give up. Is that fair to say? Michelle has an article listed on this site about not divorce not being a solution when kids are involved... so isnt it fair to say that also we should continue to do 180s and GAL and go dark etc, we shoulnt give up or detach completely?

You sound like you are doing well. I am going to reread the previous pages as i find your strength motivating. i like the 7 point email you sent to his mom. Great boundaries!

As for my birthing plan... i dont really have one. called today to find out about birthing classes to find out they are 6 weeks long!!! i know my mom would come with me, H has asked me a dozen times to go... dont want either of them to come with... thinking about skipping them altogther. I am going in and asking for drugs... my sis went natural last year... so its possible! but i dont think its for me.

Newmama... are you still DBing? I have to re read your threads...

Just read the detachment link... Powerful!

Think i may print it out and reference it every day when i have moments of weekness...

Gatsby, I am worried that my response to your post in my thread sounds hippocritical bc I am telling you to stay the course you have started and applauding you for not being afraid to divorce because you believe wholeheartedly you and your H will be together. (whew- long sentence)

You had stated that you believe your child will be okay if you show her it is okay and then I went on to say (pretty much) that children from broken homes end up broken. HOWEVER what you are doing now is the right thing. I was operating on the beliefs I stated because I was afraid for my son. And that is why I ended my response to your post the way I did- I get it that IF it comes to divorce then absolutely we need to be strong and positive for our kids and they will still be negatively affected by the divorce but to a lesser degree.

Sorry for going off on my thread. And I totally want to see Date Night!! Tina Fey is so clever!!!

Babydoll, follow Piano and Gatsby! The three of you found Dbing at the right time- I found it too late! (possibly)

So great to have you gals to talk to!
G- baby hiccups are so great, aren't they? :-)
Your H's presents and card freak me out a bit. Evidence he's all over the place (or.. all over the shop, as we say here, hi hi :-)
BD - I printed out the detachment thing to..you know I find it the Everest of challenges! If we can get anywhere near what is asked, wow!! Hats off!
Go to those classes - whether you go natural or accept drugs - it can be empowering to take 'charge' of your birth - you could even consider it part of GAL'ing:-) And it's time you spend thinking about your pregnancy and baby. I guess you could go alone, but best is whoever is going to be at the birth with you. Or a girlfriend, for company. Someone you can have fun with, perhaps?
NM - you are such an inspiration too. You're H is a complete NONG for not wanting you in his life right now. And it's only too late when you decide it is.

My feeling is, BD and G have the best chance, being earlier in their pregnancies, to really lay down boundaries now and go dim/dark... good to get time out from the rollercoaster drama, and start building that detachment as much as poss.
It gets harder as the birth approaches, in my exp. Was it like that for your NM?

We should write one, ladies!!!! That'd be too cool. . .

Ok, anyways.BD, birthing classes are pretty fun and informative. (I didn't know there was a difference between a uterus and a placenta. . . wow, I can't believe I told you!) I think you could bring a friend, maybe someone who could be in the birthing room. . .

NM, sorry I got this after I read the other one! No worries, though. I do see what you mean a little clearer from this post.

Well, off on a day trip, so I won't be around 'till late....