W wanted to make the separation "done right" ... whatever that means. I tried to explain that I wasn't looking to test if the R can last, but I was just getting some space from the pain of her 11th request in 4 months so I can heal. I explained I felt like a ballon of emotions ready to explode and that my anger/pain control, job, and sanity were quite literally on the line.
She felt her request was so minimal that I shouldn't feel bad at all except with myself. AFTER days of R talks, she's gone down from wanting 5 months sleeping separate from me and a trip overseas to "decide what to do" in the summer, down to 2-3ish days each time she feels I've done my sin.
I tried very hard to minimize the separation I needed. I offered a limit of 2 weeks if she wanted that, she did. I offered to keep the door of my prison cell open for the kids, she accepted that. I said I wouldn't make any financial changes except teaching her how to use our joint account to pay bills.
Her response came late last night as I searched for solutions for my addiction. She wants to call the divorce mediator again.
Friday was awkward being alone. I got rid of one stressor - where to move if we build a new house (I accepted the spot she preferred). Felt angry that W's requests to separate/divorce over the last months have led to this and to hurting our kids.
Had a great GAL day on Saturday. After leaving home at 6am, I went for a long drive to go hiking and did lots of staring out into the beautiful valley in our mountain parks. It snowed off and on...felt great to have the cold on my skin. Completed some of my addiction book. Did a "mind map" of what negative interactions W and I have and how they connect. Planned to do a positive one later.
Didn't plan on it, but my cell was out of power, so it was nice to have the phone calls end from home. Talked to my kids and told them I needed a "timeout" because I had swore at their mother. I reminded them it is wrong and that they know I don't believe swearing is ever OK. Coming to accept that I am angry with both me and her. Mostly angry that she won't commit fully to me and put her grievances aside even through I have been trying to do that even when I didn't even love her.
Got back to the city, got a call from home and we talked. Got into a fight, too. I suddenly wanted to go dark...but that wouldn't help "us" as a couple. I realized on Thursday that moving out or fully separating would help me really process all the stress so I could fully accept the work I need to do to be happy with W. It isn't worth the risk of losing any of the ground I've made in the last two months, though.
Stuck with a few main questions: - Why can't she accept me with my sin/problem now but she could for the 11 years prior to me confessing?
- Why does she see this WORSE than adultery? (her words)
- I really want to go back to her fully. Last night, I asked if she wanted a hug and she did, so we hugged passionately for a while. Felt great. But if I give up on separating now, am I just going to be going back to the rollercoaster that has left me a basketcase for 7 months?
- What emotional needs am I really ready to settle with unsatisfied?
- Even if we get past this huge hurdle of her emotional state and my one issue, will I be ready for the other R problems?
I am angry with her. My love is there, but I am angry. How could she do this to me when I need her most. We aren’t BOTH struggling, I am. She’s had this knowledge for a while. I need to go back to spending time thinking after prayer (our prayer is kind of physical, like yoga)
- Am I working for a M that is doomed despite the strong feelings of love I had built?
What did I realize about myself on Sunday? (My day to be with the kids alone) - I don’t like being a single father - I don’t like fighting with Sam all the time; it makes me feel insecure as a person (self-esteem issue of my own?) - I am frustrated that I couldn't get her to accept my influence or teach her new skills - I am confused, but see light on both ends of the tunnel. I really know a happy marriage is the side I want to come out on.
OTMT, This is still way too much about why SHE needs to change. The only thing in life you can control is yourself. You need to change. Make sense?
Work on yourself....
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
- Why can't she accept me with my sin/problem now but she could for the 11 years prior to me confessing?
- Why does she see this WORSE than adultery? (her words)
I guess the way I am seeing it. You are looking at her as why is she not willing to accept you more as you are. Not as you need to do work and improve yourself. Not that she probably doesn't need improvement too.
But more by what you have written in previous threads. Just your tone seems to be more about what you need from her, what she needs to change or accept from you.
Of course this is just my opinion. Would love to see other people's insight on this....
I don't know why but sometimes a persons thread gets really slow... usually picks up though.
Why now? I am guessing she finally had enough, or finally found her voice. Just because she is making a stand now doesn't mean she did not feel this strongly in the past....
I noticed that you two hugged. Good. She loves you... you do realize that, right? I am guessing she is hurting right now...
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Last night, after a pretty major and long R talk/argument, she came to my "jail" to say good night. Well...one thing led to another.
It was reassuring to see that she could break her fears for the night, at least.
Yes, I do need to keep working on myself - I'm sure of that. If I listed my faults, my list would be endless. If I don't consider what she wants and what aspects of "us" cause conflict, how can I work on them? As far as she says, the only problem is the addiction. Not respect. Not independence. Not condescending tone of voice or anything. Just one problem. We wouldn't have fought had there been just one problem.
I agree, she is hurt. She feels that by not having the strength to just stop without fully dealing with underlaying reasons that I am choosing the addiction over her. So if I see it her way, then I can even understand her POV.
If I understand that in the context of having some major self-esteem or other issue, then I have to either accept her as she is with that problem, or keep encouraging her to solve that problem, too. I'm pretty sure it says in DB that once the R is more sound, then both parties can discuss mutual issues.
I'm not blaming her - sorry if it appears as such. I don't agree with throwing away hope and a M because I have a problem, either.
Just realized today that my main emotional need wasn't sex, although that might be number 2 (:
I realized that when I stepped back to examine what made me angry yesterday, that many of my most unsatisfied moments that led to arguments is likely my core EN - affirmation. That also explains why I react negatively from criticism that I deem as a personal attack but can take a complaint just fine. I even request them, as long as I have a chance to 'explain' (regain affirmation?)
That also explains why W's emotional reactions I could handle...until they became decisions. Decisions to separate or D from her take away so much love from the love bank as it hits my key EN.
Maybe I got this wrong...it seems to make sense, though.
Good to see you and your wife had a connection the other night. Sounds positive.
OTMT- I am the same as you with the criticism thing. I, honestly, go nuts. I have an extremely hard time taking any and get personally hurt by it. Really hurt. I think it's because I have such a hypercritical mother who can only find fault with me and has to harp on everything negative. Oh well.
For many years I felt that the only problem in the marriage was my hubby, ironically he felt the same way- haha! It wasn't till we were able to really try to see the other person's point of view on things that we really became more accepting of each other.
Has your wife posted here? I am guessing she is reading along.
Keep on the path
Floundering sucks- it's temporary though. You go through it to get to a happier place, I think.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Nope. No posts yet. She said she wasn't going to, but I'm hoping one day she does to see if she can get others POV, too.
I also hope she gets to the point of verbalizing more of what I do that drives her nuts. How can one improve without knowing what is wrong?
Floundering I can handle to some level, but being pulled from a cool fresh water and then dipped into salt for a few minutes...that is why I feel I need that bit of space for a bit of time. I just hope W isn't right - she is sure the fixed time separation is making things worse.
