Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers All happening so fast

Our marriage had its ups and downs like any others, but we always got through the rough times. I thought things were going good when on 12/15/09 she woke up and said she didn't want to be with me anymore. Two weeks later I was served papers, she moved out, and our final court date is in May (the soonest date possible). She said she didn't want to be responsible for me, our children, or our grandchildren, she just wanted to be responsible for herself. She was searching for things to make her happy. A new car, pool, deck, landscaping, and remodel the house, all done in the last year. It was two weeks after I got the house done she dropped the bomb. I asked why do all this and walk away? She said "I thought that it was going to make me happy". I guess divorce was next on her list. I tried everything I could think of to stay and work things out but she had her mind made up. Our children don't understand, they told me she's 49 and acting like a teenager. She rarely communicates with the children (youngest is in college), when she does its text or short email (business) never calls to talk to them. They have no interest in seeing or talking to her. Why would someone leave the home we built together, 30 years of marriage, and all but abandon the children ? No emotions, no big deal for her. I know I have my faults and cannot put the blame on her, but you would think she would have at least tried. I think it could be some kind of midlife crisis. I noticed she spent a lot of time on Facebook and Classmates.com like she was trying to go back in time.
Meanwhile I'm 52 and my whole life fell apart. On top of the divorce I lost my 42 year old brother to brain cancer last year. I'm trying to keep it together for my children and grandchildren. You never really understand the pain of divorce until you go through it. They say it gets better, but they don't say it gets worse too. Just when you think things are getting better you fall back to a new low.
Is there a good way to get through this?
How can someone end 30 years so fast?

Either MLC or an affair, I would suspect.

I'm so sorry for your losses this year, Phil. I know, it sucks.

Sadly, what you posted it very much SCRIPT.

Puppy

sorry phil

we're here to help....and to listen

Sorry Phil. Like Puppy said, it's very typical, and sadly so.

How are you doing today?

Have you read the "divorce remedy" book?

Are you doing stuff for yourself?

Hang in there.

It does sound like a midlife crisis; I would start a thread over in the Midlife Crisis forum; there are good people who can help you out.

A good book for you to look at is The Solo Partner by Phil Deluca; it discusses much of the same stuff as Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy, and also covers topics like emotional reactivity (here is a good article by Scott Ginsberg on the subject) and detachment (here is a Livestrong.com article on detachment). If you can work on detaching and overcoming emotional reactivity, you have some useful tools for when the rebuilding can begin.

Another book which I feel is becoming a must-read for the left-behind spouse is The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. There is a blog post that gives some examples of the techniques Anderson discusses for putting yourself and your life back together.

Next, work on yourself. The easiest way to start this is to read, read, read. 1000ships collected a whole bunch of good articles by James J. Messina, the author of "Developing Detachment" above, in this thread.

Here are some other books to look at:

* Getting Back Together by Bettie Youngs and Masa Goetz
* His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley
* The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
* For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn
(For women, For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn)

Phil,
Sorry to have you here... My sit is almost identical to yours. I spent our marriage allowing my W to do just about whatever she wanted (careers, degrees, hobbies, remodeling, houses) only to be treated like a disposable item.

You need to GAL asap! Your kids know what is up. My W spends more time on FB that talking to our kids. The sooner you can read DR/DB the better. Read a number of other threads. The veterans have lots of good advice.

Hold it together friend - there are many of us in this together.

I am sorry Phil. It sounds like she may be depressed; has she ever seen a counselor or therapist? How were things between the 2 of you a few years back?

-T

Phil

You are in the right place. The people here have all been where you are at. We are here to offer advice or just listen. Sometimes it just helps to let all the frustration and sadness out and it's better to do here than in front of your W.

Stick around and post often. You will get sound advice. You will gain perspective and control back in your life.

God bless.

Thank you all for your support. It sure is sad to see all the hurting people going through this. Thanks for the suggestions for books. I will check into them.
The last few years she was distant, spending most of her time on the computer. I should have known something was up. Even when our grandkids came over she would sit in bed on the computer.
I put her through school so she had a good job, making good money. She didn't need me anymore. I'm self-employed and work at home and took care of the kids. Now there grown and on there own, but live close by. I take the grandkids to church and they stay over quite a bit (highlight of my life).
I do find it hard to get up and get going in the morning. The dreams are gone.

philsbs,

Through evolution perhaps we will weed out those that tend to use people. Perhaps there were some signs you had early on that you ignored.