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Mark - I have the same issue over losing my W. Her family is wealthy and what retirement savings I do have I will be giving half to her. One small consolation, however, is that my ILs have told me they will give me money to make sure I can keep our house, whether it is pay off W for her share, provide funds to help make ends meet, etc.

It sucks, life isn't always fair, but I just suck it up and realize that many people go through what we are going through (getting dumped by our W) and somehow find a way to deal with it.

I somehow have quiet confidence that my life will be better in the future than it has in the past, even though I can no longer rely on my W for retirement. Given what we have been through with our Ws it can ONLY get better I figure.

I totally agree with what they said above about finding someone else - it will be a huge eye opener for me to find someone who is interested in me and I don't think I will have trouble doing it. The eye opener will be realizing how awful W has been and what I have put myself through to save my family.

I don't think even Confusious could said that any better...

When you find someone else who thinks you are "all that"
and you like her too... Could be your new beginning. Suddenly you will have a skip in your step. Life will be good again. What did I ever see in my ex will be planted firmly in your soul. I will never let a woman do that to me again will be your new mantra.

It really is OK to find someone else. It really really is.
Who cares if others tell you that you aren't ready or you shouldn't this or shouldn't that.

Should we be scared to take up a new hobby because it makes us happy and we shouldn't get our happiness from a hobby?

Should we do anything that makes us happy? We can say anything that helps us to be happy shouldn't be part of our lives until we are happy with ourselves.

See how ridiculous it sounds? Find another woman. Be open.
This one is helping to cause you unhappiness. Don't do things that keep causing you unhappiness. That isn't smart. Be smart.

I had never before related finding a wife to finding a hobby...interesting....

Thanks guys,

I appreciate you looking in.

'Trying' - I am glad you have in-laws that are supportive to you. In my sitch my ILS to this day have not contacted me in any way to say how sorry they are that things have ended this way.

I find it incredible that these people that were a part of my life for fifteen years, two holidays a year together, parties, dinners, weddings etc, never had the common decency to even write a letter to me......absolutely nothing!

You would have thought it was ME that had an affair. They have buried their heads in the sand and sided with their daughter. I can understand the blood thicker than water bit, but I am wondering if they are in denial, though I would assume my W is probably telling them what a terrible person I am on a daily basis.

Gucci - Thanks again for your imput. I know exactly what you mean, but to tell you the truth, I have been so unhappy over the last eighteen months that I honestly feel as though I dare not attempt to be happy as it will come crashing down around me. It might sound strange but at the moment I cannot imagine ever being happy again, I take one day at a time, but I know I still have to sell our home, find somewhere to live, plan some kind of future and on..and on..

Everything seems like a major issue at the moment, but it is only you guys here that helps me keep my head above water.

(((Mark)))

This will probably be my last post to you as I won't be on DB for a while. I am embracing the new found freedom life has thrown at me and moving to Thailand for at least a year to teach English and hopefully have a brilliant time travelling and making new friends.

I don't regret the path I have taken, trying to save my marriage, because I have learnt so much from it. DB has taught me many things because it came at a time where I was open to it as nothing I was doing was working. It hasn't restored my marriage but it certainly helped me, STBXH and I are in a much better place and I feel quite at peace with the situation now. Listen to what Gucci and others are saying and put it into practice. I have followed Gucci's posts to other people and they really helped me with regaining my self esteem (thank you Gucci if you are reading this!). One thing I do know is that I will never allow a man to treat me in this way again and also allow myself to wallow the way I did - that was my choice to make to allow that to carry on happening.

Mark, you have to help yourself here, no one else can do it for you. Detach from your wife’s drama and let her get on with it. Let it be water off a ducks back as much as you can. Look after the most important people, you and your children. Most of all, try and have fun, life is too short not to.

Take care
Julia

Dear Julia,

Thank you for your post.

I also want to thank you for all the support over the last year or so, your advice has been greatly received.

I will continue to read posts sent to me, and I will try and offer support to others here in need of advice or just to vent.

I so hope your journey to Thailand is a success, a real life-changing opportunity for you to possibly start a new life, I will think of you and hope you find true happiness.

I, like you have wanted to go somewhere different for ages - a skiing environment in either France or Switzerland, but my children are my life now and I don't think it would be fair on them if I decided to leave the country.

This is an issue for me as I know I will not be truly happy if I don't take the opportunity to go, but do I have to sacrifice my own happiness so that I am here for my children, I just do not know?

I wish you all the luck in the world on your journey, my thoughts and hopes are with you.

Take care,

Mark

Mark - Are you in a situation where you see the ILs regularly or live in the same place? If not, not having a close relationship with them might be a good thing in the end emotionally since being around them would be a reminder of your old life being married to their D.

In my case, my ILs are front and center in our lives - they all live in town and we see and talk to them all the time. Not having a close relationship with them would make my situation very difficult, so I am extremely grateful that they have supported me on multiple levels during all this.



Many months back I couldn't fathom being with anyone else - it just didn't seem possible to be happy with anyone else even though W was treating me very badly. Now I know the above to be so true, in fact I can envision this scenario happening to me much more than being able to R with W and actually be happy with her in the end. Time transforms our thoughts and emotions and this is something I have done a 180 on and you will too Mark.

If W came to me and said she wants to try to R would I do it? Of course I would - I just envision it being a tough road even if she did want it and it would seem easier to be happy with someone else is all, but I would be willing to do the work for the sake of my kids, finances, etc.

It is strange to think, but when our W's were unhappy in their M they essentially did this - they found that it was so easy to just make themselves happy with someone else and that is what they did. We know that finding someone else to make you happy isn't a good long-term strategy and that is why it is so tragic when they step out of the M to do this, but when it is clear that the M is over in their mind why not do the same?

I read about situations on this forum where the W just seems confused and is not saying the M is over per se and that they have some level of interest in it still. In my situation my W has told me the M is over for the past 18 months! I think it is important for us all to accept the situation for what it is and look at the big picture while we also focus on the day to day interaction.

We will make it Mark - and some day we will be happier than we are now - it is inevitable since the only direction we can go is up.

Trying, thanks for posting. Luckily, I guess, I have only seen the ILs once in nearly a year, and that was when I went to court for the first hearing.

We were all put into a waiting room before we were called into court. It was the longest 5 minutes I have ever lived, being stuck in one room with my ILs and my W in a smaller room with her L. When I walked into the waiting room, I instinctively said 'Hello'to my ILs, my FIL who I got on with really well, instinctively responded with 'Hello'. My MIL just stared straight ahead without acknowledging I was even there.

I felt I was being treated like I was the one who cheated, I was the one who walked away from a family and a new family home. the old saying 'blood is thicker than water' could not have been more apt.

The one thing I find incredible is the people that are rallying around my W, giving her support, financially and emotionally. I would imagine I am being painted as this horrible, wicked husband who never paid my W any attention, or never told her I loved her every day. They could not be further from the truth.

I want my side of the story to be heard, but I am afraid that will never happen.

I am looking forward to having a new R, but when you have been body and soul with someone for 15 years it seems very difficult, but as gucci loafer and you have said, it will be a huge leap forward in our lives, especially after being treated so badly.

Good luck to you Trying.

I received a text from my stbxw and I would like some views on what she said.

To fill in the gaps I removed pictures of the children from the house as she had removed OUR ipod and expensive speakers which were a present from her parents for our wedding anniversary.

I know it seems childish, but if I had not removed the pictures, she would have done and I would never see them again.

To paraphrase her text alittle it started with her threatening me with the police and solicitor, though I know they would not get involved.

The interesting bit to me was she then says I am unreasonable and this is one of the reasons she divorced me (not the fact she was having a PA). She goes on..."you signed the D papers on the grounds of 'unreasonable behaviour', well you are doing exactly that..being unreasonable...you said you will regret what you did for the rest of your life..how you ruined our marriage..this proves you are still extremeny unreasonable"

Is this her trying to justify her reasons for D, or is she angry at herself?

Secondly, she has asked me to return her picture frames but I can have the pictures. what should I do to not look as though I have backed down, I will not respond to her text as I never do which makes her even madder. I don't want to return the pictures at all, even if I did she would still have nil respect for me.

Mark,
Just found your thread, sorry for your sit. I am earlier on in my S/D. My W is still in the house, but I have watched her pack up her things for the past couple weeks. She hasn't taken the pics of the kids off the wall or from the photo albums yet, but if she does I will certainly speak up. After all, they're my kids too!

As far as your wife wanting the frames, sounds like petty stuff. How can she not want the pics of her kids but cares about a few
$ for frames. I'd give them to her - you'd have what really matters anyway, the images of those who you hold most dear.

I am working on GAL as we speak. My W has told me "that's it, its over". I'm not expecting any sort of reconciliation... ever. Its going to be her loss. Of course I swing back and forth at times but I'm more and more often in the "I'm going to find someone who loves me back" mode more often.

I spoke to an older woman 60-ish the other day who gave me some words of wisdom. She told me a story of when her marriage ended over 20 years ago. She had a conversation with someone at the time wondering how "Something so right could have ended up so wrong?". The other person, wisely stated "It was never right!"

I find that applies in my case the more I think about my R...

Keep up your spirit for you and your kids as best you can! Good luck