Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers VETERANS VIEWS ON WALKING AWAY.

Absolutely! NO OTHER CHOICE.

If I stayed, 'hoping' things would change, the only thing that would change is that I would've lost my mind, self-respect, dignity.

So: no other choice.

I'm lucky that there are no children involved, so walking was much easier for me than for some others.

Exactly! Keep this in the front of your brain at all times.

Puppy,

I couldn't agree with you more. After doing same research on FB, Ido know where she is going with here D girl "friend".

But it doesn't matter. once she goes that route I have no use for her. I stated before in my previous post that I don't know how folks here deal with a cheating spouse.
I will never take her back if she does it.

I pretty sure there will be guys on the trip too. Time for me to play hardball.

She is the one who left the marital home and I hope I could use this fact to help me with custody and alimony.

Can't wait to see her mom this weekend when she drops the kids off.

gr8,

The point wasn't to affect your decision-making. The point was to spoil her weekend.

No, when they are cheating, we can't control them. But there's nothing that says we have to make it EASY on them, either.

My advice (but only if you knew (via intel) what was about to happen) is for people to send the following text message, as soon as their cheating spouse is on the tarmac:

"I know all about what you're doing this weekend. I hope it's worth it."

Then let their guts churn for the 3-hour flight, while they can't get in touch with you, and then after after landing, you avoid their calls and text messages the entire time they're gone.

Now . . . imagine what the dynamics of their weekend was going to be like before (romantic . . . intrigue . . . sexual . . . fun . . . sensual . . . mysterious . . . carefree), and imagine what they would be like in my scenario (angry . . . argumentative . . . frustrated . . . pissed . . . paranoid . . . etc.) Suddenly, instead of their professed undying LOVE for each other, YOU become their man topic of conversation -- for the entire trip!!

See what I mean??

Puppy

Classic!

Puppy you are the best. I wish i could think as fast as you. I enjoy my new friends here and no matter what happens with me, I'll be back. I love the guys/girls here. I so glad i found this site. I will up date soon. gr8

I am in a unique situation (well maybe there have been others) but I am an LBS. I have been working through my stages and am now to the point of taking my detachment to the level of NC as has been the topic here. That is not so unique.

The unique thing is that my baby sister (2 years younger) has been having an A (might actually be in MLC) and has recently moved out on my BIL- they have two kids 5 and 7. She is still in A. BIL and I talk a lot about this stuff. I also talk to my sister and often get some very good insight into the mind of a full blown WAS in MLC.

The topic for today was the fact that I was going NC with W. My W is also still in A. My sis immediately thought this was a bad idea. I said it was a boundary for me that I don't want to invest my emotional capital into something that brings me only heartache. I need to detach from this further for myself.

She said what if she just needs a friend and not an H right now? What if she doesn't want to be Mrs. Truegritter right now can't you just be her friend that's what she needs. You are trying to force her behavior with your conditions.

My conditions? I said, I am not her friend- I am her H and in a normal situation if we had a M (which we do not any more) I would be both. Not my condition at all she took a vow that was a condition she agreed to. Not one I am imposing now.

Sis said she couldn't agree with me but I saw where her logic was taking her as WAS. It is easier for THEM to think they can have this duality while they are confused. But as long as it exists they do not experience the loss of the M. They think it's still there...waiting. They won't go through the stages the LBS has to go through until they FEEL IT HARD. Like the day you got the bomb dropped on you.

I believe the timing for all this has already been said. It is when the LBS is ready, not just acting as if, READY to detach and truly live for themselves. When they ACCEPT that the old M is dead and mourn its loss.

That's when the pain STOPS and when the new life begins...

But you can't skip to the end. You actually have to through the pain to get there.

Unfortunately.

Truegritter.

You are missing the whole concept..

When the WS says they want to be just friends, your answer is to say "oh yes we can be friends, maybe we make better friends than we do lovers."

THAT is what you say to them.. You tell them as if you are perfectly happy being friends. No big deal.

NOW.. What your ACTIONS do after you say that is somewhat different... You do NO contacting except for business that HAS to be done. You do NO pursuing. You do NOT hang on the phone. When they contact you, be cordial, but a tad distant. Not mean.
You always want to act like you are very very busy and when they call, you are "right in the middle of something" and can't talk. Get down to the reason they call and then YOU end the call first. Politely. "Talk to you later"

You do NOT tell a WS that "I can't be your friend"..
Why? Because it comes across as needy and "if I can't have my way, then we won't be friends. It HURTS your chances. It isn't a strong statement even though some think it is. It IS NOT.


Let them THINK you are fine being friends, and then ACT like they are a "casual" friend that you only talk to when you run into them...

GET IT? Don't cut off your nose to spite your face..

Gucci,

So, I have this wrong too (sorry to hijack the thread)? My wife wants to continue to be friends and even went so far as to think we might continue to live together post divorce. My response was "I want to be your husband not your friend."

You gotta be real careful friending them, because if they are in their unassuming mode and your looking for love, even subconsciously - they will drag off your emotions.

If your going to do Gucci's strategy, they have to be completely "let go" in your mind and soul. You may have to be able to see them with the opposite sex and accept it, no pain, no negative emotions.

Most of us on this DB forum still have the emotions for that person so it will be tough.