Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Messed up

IS THIS WHAT HE REALY THINKS ABOUT ME ?? REALLY??

You cannot expect that God moment to happen any time soon JT, it is not when you want it too and seldom does it happen quickly or soon.

No idea what you're talking about JT.

I was just refering to my last post.
Cant figure why he would try to give me $$ to "come over"
not sure what the think about that.

What phase is that in his process..sounds still alot like "its all about me"...?

Is this something "normal" that I dont know about...
Feel kind of naive here...

went to the house today and spent time out with my son that has some animosity towards me for seeing his dad arrested.

XH said S and I need to work it out. So he was encouraging S to do something with me.
It worked out in the end, he softened up and was back on tract getting to good terms with me. Not sure how all this is affecting him. But he did say he didnt want me to leave so quickly to stay for a while.
I told my daughter that I would not be spending the night anymore unless her dad and I were sleeping in the same room.
I dont think it is right for me to be sleeping in my daughters room, when my H is downstairs in OUR room.
I felt horrible saying that to D and she didnt take it well said I cared more about XH thand I did her.

Maybe I was to honest with her about why I was not spending the night. I know this is difficult but not sure what to say exactly to them , accept to be honest.

XH spoke a little more to me today and ate what I made for lunch. Which usually doesnt..so OK there.
He had started a workout at the gym this week. The gym people told him that he was flabby.. I couldnt help to laugh a little inside. But I had to remember that he is sensitive about his body right now...and I was not there to make him feel worse.

He had a sore arm and I said it was great that he decided to make himself feel better. That when it was all over with he would be strong feel good and look great.
I really doubt he will stick with this. He has started and stopped so many times...but hey what ever is ok for him today

I will not be there to be discouraging, I will praise him for what he does that is good for himself, I will not put down or judge when he shares. No matter what anger I feel inside.

When those situations come up I will put my feelings of anger and insecurity about If he is doing this for other women aside.
I will instead focus on him as a person working something out for himself and encourage that.
----------------------------------------------------------------

I had made some rules for what I would do during certian situations.

I will not spend the night at the house untill HE asks me to.
I will not spend the night unless I can sleep with him in my own bedroom.

If he asks me to sleep over, I will tell him what my rules are.

I will ask for one display of affection, and not push for more.
If I leave I will ask for a hug goodbye, until I feel like I no longer need to have any sort of affection from him.

If I feel like I want more I will remind myself that it will be his choice to give that to me...I will not push or make my desire known, until he has offered himself to me freely without my prompting for more.

I will not ask the children about any aspect of his life while I am not there.
If I feel like I am missing out on something and feel the urge to ask I will rememind myself that I am trying to create a different me than the one I became, I am trying to recreate the person I was before I met him...and I dont need to know aobut his life to acomplish my goals.

I will wait until he offers to open his life freely for me to share... I also will not count on that happening to hold me from becoming me.


these are the most relevent right now. Im sure there are other things Im supposed to make up goals about, just not into having a long list right now.

Having another difficult day.
I called this morning he said he wasnt in a good mood would talk later. I wished him well and said goodbye.

He called later. Apologized for the morning conversation and said he couldnt "see me" (couldnt "sleep" with me anymore, which means I guess he wont initiate anymore if I come over ).
He said he had nightmares about jail everytime I came over, then he started crying )why cant he get over this..or is it an excuse ???

He said he was also having a difficult time with our kids and he was tired of being the referee and them not doing what he asks. (Hummm sounded familiar) Told him in matter of fact way the it was difficult.

He said he just wanted me to listen not give anything. OKK.. So I let him go on.

He said he had only been doing this for 2months and hasnt had time to get a handle on it..OKKK

He wanted to start doing something other than trying to get the kids to do their chores and homework..like put them in a sport.
UMM ...okkk.
(they have a Y membership...and judo classes...boyscouts..girlscouts available to go to...uMMM OKKK)

He said in order for him to feel better he would just have to start doing more to stay busy(instead of confronting the issues he is having).

He said he would be going to the gym more

get more work projects so I could stay at the house with the kids and he could have a break (sounds stressful for him..dont think its a good thing but didnt say it),

fix up the house more, and do more stuff with the kids.
---

I did follow my rule and told him was doing a great job going to the gym and that he would look great and feel great if he continuted.
He made some vauge comment and said he would talk to me later.
---

So what I got out of todays conversation was that I still am the one causing all the turmoil and he is blaming me for everything so doesnt want to "see me" again.

He is having a difficult time dealing with the kids, but is trying different ways to come up with other soulutions.
ITS ABOUT HIM!
One soulution :
That includes me taking over / kind of passive agressive on his part I believe. Instead of confronting that I realy am the "mom " that took care of it all...and acknowledging ME.

last: That he called me to VENT and not that what I have to say really makes any difference.

-----------
I did a "test the attitude" call to say "goodnight".
He didnt answer...I didnt call back.
Few min later he called back.
Hello...how was the day, OK got the lawnmower to working condition.
There was dead air and long silence and tension...I think he had been in the middle of doing something on the computer or talking to someone befoe he called back.
Could feel that he was on edge and realy didnt want me on the phone.(not sure why he even called back)

I didnt want to open anything..so nothing much to say, small bs about the kids getting to bed.
Told him I hope he had a good night.
Goodbye

-------------------


Im not realy understanding the "DETACH" part of this.
How much interaction do you give I dont want to just stop contact all the way or cut off any kind of feeling.

What does detach actually mean? Everything seems like it means move on and go away. Leave everything alone and just concentreate on myself.
Im not trying to do that I want to get back in graces someway....

Confused..

Sweetie, you need to read some articles on detachment. Look them up on the computer. There might even be some on here in the archives.

Calling him twice a day - not detaching.
Analyzing everything he says - not detaching
sleeping with him whenever he wants - not detaching

Detaching does not mean move on and go away. It means live you life without regard to what he is doing. Live it for you and your children.

Figure out what your part was in the breakdown of your marriage. And if you feel there are things about yourself that you want to change, work on changing them.

Find out about you.

Detaching takes a long time. It is not easy. It goes against everything you think you should be doing.

But I can tell you that if you dont begin to detach, you are going to push him further away. He is trying to tell you something, but, you arent hearing it.

Don't call him unless it is absolutely necessary. Handle things on your own, as much as you can. When you do speak to him, be light, positive and quick.

You will get this. Give yourself time.

Thanks Broklyn,
I was hoping someone would help point me in the direction to get this.

Im not sure if to just set it in my mind to give up on there being a "us" with him. Seems like it would be easier just to let it go away instead of trying to figure out where its going.

**im tired and this is mountain is big

I going to find some more articles..
thanks again

Page 1 of your thread is the detach link. Did you read that one? I am sure there are other things out there.

Take the focus off of your H and work on you!

hey OP,
I reread the detachment.
Im kind of at a loss for it though.
I think I understand the concept.
Basically not depending or allowing them to depend on you.
Not "fixing" them...or feel like you need to.

One of the probs I cant understand though is isnt a marriage suppose to be attached?
Not sure I am grasping the disconnect part.

If I care about someone dont I give and allow them to take?
Dont I take what they give also?
Of course this would be in agreement with eachother

-------
H has always "taken care" of financial. I let him.
I have alway "taken care" of family. He let me.
Its kind of like that was what we did.

Now he turned tables and resents what he let me do.
He has stated this also. And he does take responsibility for that part.
Now Im resenting letting him do all the financial because he resents me for taking care of family and not fiancial.

So... prob right now about "detaching"
My expenses (car..credit..school ..ect...) are all based on his income.
How am I suppose to do that on my own ...if I cant afford what I have based on our past.

I have to finish school..(have that taken care of through grant)
I need my car and he just bought it (2months ago)he is paying for that and my gas and credit.

I feel like Im really dense about this...

Do I give the car back to him?
its something keeping me "attached" to him. Its about $600 payment so no way I can afford that, plus living expenses.

any advice on the detaching that maybe im not understanding?

alt is usually on
Thanks