Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers How is an online affair different?

H probably is in MLC but I am not going to let that be an excuse anymore.

I had been going to the counselor myself after I found out about PA, later invited H along. When he did not want to go one afternoon he said the only reason he had been going was because if he said no then I would have kicked him out.

Affair was discussed in C but H continues to try to avoid it. In his words, he said he was sorry already.

H left his phone sitting out in the open and I logged on to check his texts and calls. We agreed at counseling that he would not talk to the OW at work and if he did, he would come straight home and tell me. The A was in Dec and I cannot remember when but a few months later I asked him if he had talked to her (had a vibe) He said that he had. So there was another lie to me. H will say whatever he thinks he needs to so he can avoid conflict and face up to his behavior. It is like I have 3 teenagers instead of 2.

Well, us human are, after all, pretty much path-of-least-resistance creatures. We will continue to do what we can get away with, until forced into some sort of crisis or accountability.

I usually recommend that betrayed spouses -- at the time of reconciliation -- determine in their own mind how many "strikes" they are willing to tolerate. One, if self-confessed? One, even if caught in the lie, so long as they are repentant? Two? More than two? Zero tolerance?

Because once you get into it, your emotions get the best of you, and you're caught up in everything you've invested so far -- the "frog in the pot of boiling water" analogy.

I think YOU need to determine what YOU need from your husband in terms of healing, trust and transparency, and not be afraid to communicate it. What are your core "deal-breakers." For me, it was a short, but non-negotiable list:

- MCing
- send no-contact letter to OM
- full transparency
- full-panel STD test

Everyone's list will be somewhat different, but these should be the few things that you simply CANNOT ABIDE, as matters of personal integrity. And then you communicate them to him. And you let him know that "you're a grown man, and I can't force you to do any of this, but this is what I NEED, in order to feel safe in the marriage again, and whatever you decide will affect what I decide to do."

Does that make sense?

Puppy

Kel, just to add to what Puppy said



take note of the last 5 words - what I decide to do.

You MUST be fully committed to enforcing whatever it that you decide to do. If you don't H will see it as weakness on your part and won't even think about abiding by your non-negotiable list. Why would he, he'd be getting the best of both worlds.

Yep -- exactly. It's all about conveying "Oh, you can do whatever it is you're going to do, but make no mistake, it WILL affect what I decide to do!"

Husband had one strike and he made it when he started the online EA in May of 2009. I had not told him that he had one strike but really felt like I did not have to after all we had discussed in counseling.
It is really the "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me'. I think I would have been albe to work through it if H had acted remorseful and continued counseling. Instead he makes excuses. He continues to tell me that he never got on (the site where he net online EA) to meet someone, it just happened.
I was and still am angry that he wasted hours online with her when our marriage was crumbling. Afterwards, I found out he canceled one of our date nights that our counselor had suggested because he said he needed sleep (he works nights) when he had spend all day online with her.

So what do you want to do??

Puppy

If I posted it on here, it might be used later against me in court

Honestly, I want a divorce. He knows this. My mother and step-father were divorced two years ago. They had been married for 25 years and my children took it extremely hard. I am trying to hold on until my youngest graduates. My oldest, D, knows about the first affair and has asked me twice why I don't just go ahead and kick daddy out. I told her because I had children that I wanted to be raised in a home with both parents. Since I have decided that his actions are not going to affect my happiness, things are much better for me. H would love for us to stay together but he had a chance and decided that he would rather have an online woman than me. I deserve more than that.

Kelly, you DO deserve better than that. Everyone does.

If you honestly want a D and are sure of it, can I ask why you're here ?

I still like to check in on others and want to try to figure out what went wrong so it does not go wrong if I have any more relationships in the future. And I am also trying to live peacefully with H until S graduates. Most days are good but some days I just want to smother him with the pillow.
It is also inspirational to see others who have been in my place and have overcome the depression and came out better.

Not sure how to handle this. Husband has been feeling bad for the past week. Tonight he looked like death warmed over and I did not pamper or care for him in any way. He did not get up early enough this afternoon to call in so he went but told me he would probably be back soon. I hate that he is feeling bad but do not want to play the caring nurse.
Any thoughts?