Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives Just found out she already filed

CTH, thanks for the perspective and sharing your experience. Have you gone dark mostly since? Has it made any difference in her stance at all?

I'm wondering if I should continue to stay dark or if I should work on the LLs? I'm really not sure. I know we have to go through the D but I don't know if she's really angry at me inside or at peace or feeling guilty? If it's the former I'd like to somehow get her to feel the latter so perhaps she doesn't make things worse than they are - like hooking up with someone...sigh!

ST, thanks. I know it's just hard to hear DD talk about things like that. She loves to draw and color and she always draws the three of us and our two cats. Even last night she did. Last night talking to her mom she told her she wanted daddy to go with them to grandma's (back east). STBXW said 'daddy can't go sweety, but you can call him'.

I dropped DD off at school, gave her lots of hugs and kisses. I won't see her till Mon

I would try to get across the message that "we don't know what will happen, but no matter what happens mommy and I will always be with you and care for you and everything will be OK...it's scary and sad sometimes when things change and we just have to do the best we can". Avoid giving false hope and reassure her that you and her mother will be there for her and that she can count on that.

My S6 doesn't understand why I don't sleep over at H's apartment too

((SR))

I know this is not what any of us wants to hear, but there are a couple of good books out there about parenting kids through D. Even if it doesn't end up happening all the way, I'm sure it will help with some of these concerns in the "limbo" phase.

http://www.amazon.com/Good-Divorce-Const...6740&sr=8-1

http://www.amazon.com/Helping-Your-Kids-Divorce-Sandcastles/dp/0679778012

I plan to get one or both of these soon. I read some of the first in a bookstore and it was very dense but had really good info including research stats on kids and divorce- what makes them do better or worse, etc.

I like FM's response, SR. While you're not seeing DD this weekend, maybe you can print out some photos for the scrapbook so you're ready to work on it when you see her next week :-).

I tried going superdark -- well as much as you can with kids -- not answering if I saw the call was from her. Avoiding instances where we might have to be together. NEVER calling or texting. Keeping our conversations very short.

It didn't make any difference other than to perhaps harden her stance on certain divorce issues. I haven't had any indication -- zero -- that she's second guessing herself at all.

At our last mediation session I decided to shut up and let her do the talking and she started to give me lots of the things I was asking for in the D. She almost sounded like she cared -- later I remembered all the things she's done to specifically show that she doesn't -- still, going NC didn't work.

I digress. I've been dark so long that I really struggle when I see her and that isn't going to do me any good in the future. So know I'm taking her calls, returning them, emailing and trying to act like she is an old friend helping me raise the girls. I don't see this as pursuing. I see this as accepting that it's over and we still have a job to do. It's like breaking up with a co-worker in a way.

It's tough. I want to present my best side and show her I've learned from all this but do it without hoping to win her back. That's hard because I'll always have feelings for her and will always maintain some .0000000001 percent of hope that she'll realize one day she made a major mistake. I'm a romantic. I still have feelings for my high school and college sweethearts.

My L highly recommended the Sandcastles book

"I digress. I've been dark so long that I really struggle when I see her and that isn't going to do me any good in the future. So know I'm taking her calls, returning them, emailing and trying to act like she is an old friend helping me raise the girls. I don't see this as pursuing."

DBing is about being flexible and able to switch things up when one tactic isn't working. So if going dark didn't help and, in fact, made things worse then do what you're doing. It's kind of like day trading in the stock market, you ride a stock for a short time looking for movement, if it don't move, dump it! Well, actually you only buy it when it is moving but I too digress! And you will always have some feeling for your spouse, why wouldn't you! That doesn't mean you won't move on it just makes you a decent human being.
Hang in there Romeo (I refuse to call you "Stupid Romeo")

CTH, wow. That's kinda how I feel too that my going dark has so far done nothing in fact pushed her to file for the D within weeks of moving out- much quicker than the last time when I begged and pleaded with her.

I almost want to talk to her about R stuff but don't even know how to begin or what to talk about. I feel like everything that's happened it's my fault, like I totally blew it. Even though I thought that things were going OK.

I know I'll have to go through the D this time no matter what but maybe there's a possibility of us being a couple and raising our DD together. Of course, I won't say that to her.

You going dark, light grey or deep purple did not destroy anything. What gives you the idea that if you had of done it differently that it would have ended like a fairy tale? Nothing, nado, zilch... you are just assuming that anything but what you did would have worked. Oh, I forgot, last time when you begged and pleaded she waited a little longer to file ...big deal! She still filed and has again. It is ending because she wants it to end...period. You're not a magician who just has to wave his wand and utter the right spell and it will all go away. It's sad, it's unfair and it feels like a nightmare but it is what it is. You now do the best you can to preserve good feelings and build a separated R that will be healthy for your daughter to be raised within. Romeo, I know I did all sorts of DBing sh!t and it made no difference, sometimes that's just the way it works out but I'm a damn better person for having tried, just as you are. There is no sure answer so to blame yourself for going dark is silly. We LBS's often love to whip ourselves and somehow seem to forget who called game over in the first place, it wasn't you. So STOP doing this to yourself ... pleeeeaaase!
Don't make me come back here, OK!

Wii, thanks for the 2x4! After what you said I guess I shouldn't send this email to her?

Don't send that email -- it's pursuing and it won't help!

PLEASE change your username. It's time to start pumping yourself up!

My revelation of the week: most of my suffering is caused by me. Refuse to create suffering for yourself and start taking responsibility for your happiness, cause no one can do that for you.

Then come over to my thread and 2x4 me when I don't follow my own advice