Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Faith without works... (my new thread)

wowwwwwwwwwwwwww. you know what maybe i'll just stop posting here.

the whole point of darkness is what pursueing? now she's pursueing and wanting to try to work things out (slowly but still) and i'm supposed to go dark NC and just totally not make an effort?

I thought dbing was about applying changes too. about 180s. About when an opportunity presents itself to apply some things learned as well.

I wasn't just this perfect guy. There's alot of reasons why WAW is doing what's she's doing. Why she has done what she's done.

Now it seems like she's somewhat waking up and we can talk and have fun right now and I should do nothing? NC?

If not for that freaking ridiculous saturday we'd have been to this point we are at right now. She had been coming by and we'd been talking before then.

that saturday made it worse. but yep let's go dark now.

wowwwwwww are you serious? I have valtrex. I got it earlier this week when I had an outbreak and didn't know what was wrong and found out I had herpes.

that's pretty much a low blow though steve. pun not intended.

So after you find out your wife has been with several other men and you get herpes from her, one day of half decent behavior from her and you trust her already? It didn't take much and if you believe that she's ready to change you're gullible. If it's that easy for her to get your attention and get you wanting her again, she knows she has you wrapped around her finger and guess what, you should expect a repeat of her crap behavior - she didn't have to work for your trust or affection, you gave it up easily and she'll expect you to do the same thing over & over again when she screws up. She didn't confide anything, she told you what you wanted to hear or more accurately, you heard only what you wanted to hear. She has to trust you? Did you have the affairs? Did you give her herpes or did she give it to you? She turned all of this around on you and makes you think that you have to work to earn her trust and you wonder why we're fed up with you?!

You think your situation is so unique among hundreds & thousands of situations in these forums?

That's why I said good luck to you,
since you won't listen and you continue to do your own thing, it doesn't really matter what advice I give or anyone else for that matter - you won't listen, you'll only do what you FEEL like doing. So why should anyone waste their time providing you advice on your situation? It's not worth it, I speak for myself, no one else.

So again, good luck, I hope whatever you do works out for you.

excuse the intrusion. robx, puppy - i could really do with your guidance robx- have just switched to Newcomers from the Infidelity form - new thread "5 weeks left to DB - need help with my plan". I would be most grateful for your help.

yeah i'm serious. im always serious. i dont want to read a week from now you are rubbing olive oil on your pecker and you are ready to kill her.

been with one guy. chatted with others in eas. Nope I don't totally trust her.

I'm not an idiot. I'll take it one day at a time. Oh she has to work. She knows what I won't stand for.

If that was the case I'd be making plans right now to move out go back home and be there with her. I'm not.

I'm just happy for a little progress.

I'm not perfect dude. I almost had two PAs myself. The fact that nothing happened is not the point. The fact that I let it get to that point hurt her and affected her trust in me as well.

Yep I have to earn her trust too. I have an anger problem. I know I do. So that's why the out in public contact while I deal with it in counseling.

I was extremely verbally abusive to her because of my own family and that's how we deal with things. She's not. It's destroyed her self esteem and I can admit it.

Ill see how the MC goes (if she shows up) Ill see how her behaviour is.

Today was a good day. Tommorrow could be awful. But it could not. So I'll just deal with tommorrow when it gets here.

I also know I have alot of things I have to fix before I can even call myself trying to be a leader for my family again.

I need to work. I need to deal with my anger probs and healt issues. . I need to be more active in the kids lives. I need to do the stuff I was doing before I got too comfortable got depressed, started feeling sorry for myself and probably treated my wife like my slave instead of my companion.

I did alot of messed up stuff in this relationship. It's not like I was Wally Cleaver and she was this awful woman.

I have to own up to that and face it. I helped make this bed too.

hahahahahahhahah. Nope. I'm not even mad about it anymore. The one PA she had? he doesn't have it. He got tested twice this week.

She got it from SD8 bio father (who is not in her life) and she didn't even know it. He admitted he did it on purpose. I was put on a 3way call and he didn't know I was on the phone and I heard the whole thing because she was crying about it and asking if he had it. He just laughed and stated that he did.

so now sd8 gets to get tested for it as well which is totally sad

SHe mentioned how SD8 could have been infected with it and possibly gone blind if not for csection. He just laughed some more and did not care at all.

I was tested before me and WAW got together and did not have it at all. I had several tests done. I usually do.

The mistake was made by not getting her tested as well.

no intrusion.

ROBX AND PDT? I HOPE YOU GUYS SEE THIS

James....i think the point everyone has been trying to tell you over i don't know how many days is....YOU NEED TO WORK ON YOU AND STOP GETTING SUCKED BACK IN BY HER UNTIL YOU ARE IN ABETTER PLACE PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY.

i have watched over a mere few days your emotions range from happy to wanting her to die....you need to detach from her..your co-dependance on her is EXACTLY that of an addict (i suggust reading "Beyond co-dependancy" if not already mentioned)..go dark for a few weeks, not just a day, and get your NUTS back.

that is all i have

Gman

I'd like to add to this too. Ive read alot of what kimmie lee says and she makes some good points.

Very good points I might add. Every person on this board has screwed up. Every single person on this board made mistakes. WE are so quick to always point out what the WAS did or is doing NOW. But do we really evaluate why this happened. How it got to that point?

Sure there are just some real jerks out there who don't care. But I think if every single person on this board is honest with themselves they'll admit that there were signs of marital trouble.

Sometimes we get so comfortable with who we are directly or indirectly stop being the person we used to that drew our spouses to to us in the first place.

Then for months we're in that comfort zone thinking that just because we're married we don't have to try as hard as we did before.

Is my situation any different than any other person on here. Yep because no two people are the same. Nor is each individual.

What makes my situation the same as anyone else on here is the marital problems. But my marital problems are unique because this IS NOT SIMPLE MATH. It's complicated algebra. You cant just always say x times y = z because there are variables in every person's background, environment, personality, character, etc etc that make EACH SITUATION UNIQUE.

Did we consistently do all the little things we did which made our spouses love us in the first place? Or did we start doing those once the problems began?

In some situations it's too late. Some it's not. Some there's a gray area that could go either way.

Did I do anything to make my WAW have crap behaviour towards me? Yep. We all did if we can be honest with OURSELVES.

I have applied certain pieces of advice given to me on this site. But because I don't do EVERYTHING ROBX or PDT'S way or anyone elses no advice should be given?

I wonder if this above same attitude you have with WAW as well as me having with mine which LED to us BOTH BEING HERE in the first place?

And there's another thing that's similar about every single thread on this site. It's all from mainly ONE PERSPECTIVE ONE VIEWPOINT every interaction is told from ONE VIEWPOINT (with the exception of coach and greek who both post here).

The WAS pov is not told and even the few WAS who are here? They are not our spouse. Bits and pieces of information may be effective but not totally.

If that's the case we'd all look act, talk, and think the same. WE don't.

If you had my WAW story on here told from her perspective in my thread would you understand and offer the same advice to me or her? Probably not because YOU'D HAVE HER POV AND THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS INTO THIS MATTER and could make a more open honest opinion and the advice would NOT BE THE SAME.


That's where I feel my situation is somewhat unique. My WAW is telling me what/why/when/where.

It may be through argueing. It may be calm. It may be through HER OWN ACTIONS but it's there.

There is no one simple formula for love is there? Or intimacy? What works for one couple won't work for another. Otherwise we'd love every single person of the opposite sex we came in contact with and could draw them to us with one simple formula.

Db/Dr is a great great philosophy I’ve read each book about 5 times now. But sometimes you have to creatively apply principles in order for you to get progress.

I also have a great in house counselor as well. My mother has been a trained counselor for families and individuals for OVER 30 years. But I also know there’s only certain bits and pieces I can take from her because she can be somewhat biased because I’m her son and that’s her DIL. But she’s a lot more honest (brutally) than what I have expected.

I take notes about every interaction with my WAW now. But why wasn’t I do that before?

We are all humans. We all sin that’s why. No one is perfect. We strive for perfection. Mistakes are made. But if I see progress and change and me getting a DIFFERENT REACTION from what I was getting before? Then that REACTION is a direct response of my own ACTIONS.

I’ve also turned to God in my situation. A lot of dbing techniques can be found in the bible. A lot in proverbs. A lot in Ephesians 5. A lot in 1st Corinthians 13. A lot in 1st Corinthians 7.

So rob and pdt? Just because I don’t do every single thing YOUR WAY? Doesn’t mean I don’t value your advice. But if I see that NC isn’t working (trust me I’ve tried NC before and all it did was make things worse because it just lowered her esteem and made her feel like crap because it was more of the same thing she’d been complaining about with me ignoring her feelings and her as a person).

When she tells me to back off? I back off. When she wants to listen? I listen. When she says she doesn’t want to talk about that? I change the subject. When she needs to vent? I let her. It’s the only way she can finally address these things to me. Even if she may have before and I missed them.

So instead of focusing on what she did the previous days? Why not help me come up with a solution to BUILD upon what happened yesterday which I believe is nothing but a miracle FROM GOD due to my consistently fasting and praying like the bible states should be done DURING A SEPERATION IN 1ST CORINTHIANS 7.

She is now back in her bible. She picked it up and started reading it ON HER OWN WITHOUT ME FOR THE FIRST TIME IN ABOUT 10 MONTHS. Shes asking questions about that.

Am I sold on her changes? Nope. But I have faith that GOD can fix any and everything. I have faith that he can change people and heal marriages. And nice people like Michelle Weiner Davis are truly angels from heaven who have taken the time out of their own lives to try to HELP SAVE god's most prized gift. THE GIFT OF LOVE.

Because you wanna know what? God can fix and restore anything. On his time. I’m wiping the slate clean. I cannot change the herpes nor the infidelity. But I can change me. And through my changes I can possibly save my M. As long as she changes too and we come out of this stronger wiser and more connected. More focused on God and his blessings than what the Devil wants which is to destroy love fill people with hate and destroy all Love and Marriage Covenants.