Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I'm taking off my ring April 9

I'm so sorry, Amy.

Puppy

Took off my ring. Put it on a chain.
Cancelled her being my support person for my surgery next tuesday. My Aunt will do it.
What she says: "I'm in love with this other person and want to end this marriage"
What she does: drive down to my internship to help me drive home after eyesight scare. Stand by the bed looking forlorn. Tell me she didn't sleep, can't eat, had a hard night. (I took sleeping pills and slept, once I got to bed.)

What I do in response? say "OK", be the first one to end the phone call or the conversation. Focus on the things I need to be doing (like major internship things that affect my whole future.) Ask her to sleep at her dad's house. Pack up the marriage things and store them away.

What else?

So. Electronic media is a problem. I posted on facebook last night. some sad things. I quickly deleted them and unfriended some people (her family members) who probably should not have seen them. Assumed I had done that quickly enough because it was midnight. Also unfriended her.

Well. Today she "unmarried" me in Second Life.

I called to say WTF? and she said "Well what about all that facebook chatter?"

She was livid.

I sent her the transcript of the facebook posts (not the deleted ones) in an e-mail saying, here it is, what's the prob?

Then sent a quick note saying: Are you reading my chats?

She wrote back, that's the problem, I can't see your facebook. People are contacting me with condolences and confusion because of what you posted.

I can't refriend her so she can see what is posted because she's hidden.

Besides, This is MY support group on facebook. And she doesn't belong on it any more. I called or wrote the family members and mutual friends who I unfriended to say why (that I'm creating two facebooks, one as a support group and one as more general) and invited them to the general one.

I am in a PANIC that she's mad at me. That is a really BAD character trait! I hate it! I have to be OK with her being mad at me. I need a matra!

Help!

"NO FEAR"[/quote]

RIGHT! No Fear. You are ALREADY dead.

I knew that.
THANK YOU!

I was horribly guilty of that trait through my whole M, and my W totally used it to manipulate me. You are right. It's a bad trait that doesn't honor your faith in yourself that you are a good person.

I am finally ok with my W being mad at me, and it has freed me, and empowered me! Find your mantra and stick to it!

DBing works!!!!

OK, my marriage isn't back together, in fact it may be coming apart. But _I_ am in a better place, and here's what happened.

Weds night she asked to divorce April 9.
I sent her to her dads house.
I freaked out a little, didnt get much sleep. Posted here and on facebook. Spent the following day crying.

She got mad at me about facebook and retaliated through second life. (stupid electronic media).

We both showed up at our MC at the appointed hour.

She expressed ambivilence. I just asked what she wanted and she could not say that she wanted to end our marriage. Could say it was her proposal, but not what she wanted. Interesting she couldn't say the words.

I had written down and had in front of me 1) listen 2) you are already dead

She started talking about trial separation as an option.

I proposed that we separate. End all marriage related behavior now. I took my ring off my finger and put it on a chain on my neck. I said that AFTER a big milestone in my life (May 15) we could do the interactive stuff around divorce, but that I needed space to take care of myself until then.

She said what do you mean?

I said: You don't go to grandma's memorial service, out to dinner with my dad, to my honors ceremony, etc. We don't act married.

She started crying. She is really missing our relationship already.

By the end of the appointment she convinced me to change the plan from "separation preparatory to divorce" to "trial separation in which we'll work on clarifying what we want re: divorce or reconciliation"

YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT CAKE EATING!

So. Now I just need to keep this DB stuff up!

(Knowing she is going to call the OW and resume at least the EA if not start a PA. I simply refused to make rules for her. I said, however, what you choose to do while we are separated will have an impact on my choices if you want to reconcile.)

Thank you

But you two still don't "act married," is that correct? Don't do the things you stated above?

Puppy

Amy, it's great that you established the boundaries of not acting married while separated and that made W reassess her position. But now you have to enforce the boundaries, otherwise W will know that you are bluffing and she will continue to cake eat and string you along forever because she knows she can.

You are right! We failed this morning. But she is now OUT of the house. I will only see her at my grandmother's memorial service for 1/2 hour. (really couldn't enforce that boundary,that would be unfair, but she is NOT going to the family gathering afterward, just the formal ceremony.) And that is it. We will NOT ACT MARRIED! (can you hear me yelling that at myself?)

Ummm. Is this where I say: when she asked for a hug should I have said no? (embarrassed grin)

We have the assignment from the MC to list what "trial separation" means and to agree to those things (separately list them, together agree) So I'll have a clearer idea when I sit down and write it all down.

More than happy to hear suggestions... (the ring thing was brilliant, I'm good with symbolism!)