Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers W still wants separation, need to DB more

Hi OfficerInNeed,

I like your goals. I wish my wife would stop pursuing the OM, and I think a lot of those other goals would have a chance of happening on their own. I find that my R problems would be worked out if there was not the OM. This would be at the top of my list.

For the most part the EA between my W and OM has dissolved. if you access the other thread I linked to in a previous post in this thread you can read up on that.

Positives today:
Me and wife had a couple good non-R conversations. W went to bed before I left for work I said "I have to leave for work, you need anything before I leave?" She said she wanted a bottle of water (she is not feeling well) and so I gladly got it for her. I told her "I hope you feel better" and she said "OK" and then I left for work. Not too much but no negatives other than her beijg distant but that has become a norm during this sitch.

I believe you need to make the goals a little more specific. Then each time it's achieved, you check it off.

For example:

- communicate with me more freely and often

Change to "W will ask how my day is at least once a day".

Stuff like that. They have to be measurable and attainable. Good start though.

Got it. I will sit down and revise them...how to I achieve such goals? Any tips?

Each goal is different in each sitch. Sorry.

But what you can do is maybe set aside 5 top ones. Then when those are achieved, you move on to the next 5.

After each goal is attained, you increase it's difficulty. For example, if your goal is for your W to sit and watch tv together, once that's reached, change it to your W will have dinner together, then your W will spend an evening together at home, then change it to your W will go on a date with you.

Imagine when you were dating your W for the first time. You didn't automatically invite her to jump in the sack with you (maybe you did, but that's in the past). You started out with coffee...coffee became dinner...dinner became dinner and a movie...etc.

That's how these goals are. After each one is attained, write down what you did to reach them and keep those going. Pretty soon you're not even going to be "trying" any more. They'll become habit.

To put it another way, you're a police officer, so you've done some martial arts training. When you first learn a move, you break it down to its individual parts. Then you practice each move over and over and over again. Do it enough times and it becomes instinctual. You don't even have to think about it, it'll come out automatically.

You start doing the right things and they'll become just as automatic.

I will be posting revised goals later today.

So far today...This morning my W and I had a descent exchange of text messages. The subject was our dog but still at least she was sending/responding. I thought we were on a roll then she stopped responding so I got the hint and stopped myself.

My W came home from work and we went up to the hospital to visit FIL GF (she is still in ICU but coming around). There was a period while on on our up there that my W became really cold and did not initiate any conversation and when I had to speak to her all I would get is "umm hmmm" "emmm emmm." We got up to the hospital and there seemed to be a little tension toward me from her so I just kept my mouth shut and went with the flow. Talking when I had to.

Once we were in the hospital room we caught eyes a few times and smiled in happiness that FIL GF was doing better.

On the way back home. I decided not to talk as much as I have. My W did break the silence quite often to talk about things she read in the paper or heard/happened at work and I gave her my full attention, responding and letting her know I was very interested in what she was saying. My W even made a comment about getting something for the house ( I said nothing because it's like a trap) but it brought back some memories of something we did long ago and we both joked about it.

W is still cold but not as bitter. She is very short in her responses and stern. Other times we have a descent exchange.

I feel as if my W is so through with this R and is just coping with me the best she can until it's possible for her to move out.

I will have my goals posted and we'll see if we can achieve them.

The following are revised top 5 goals (as of now). Each is the ultimate goal but with sub-goals (smaller steps) that would lead to the final goal.

1. W would wear wedding ring again
- W would wedding ring more often
- W would wedding ring on/for occasions
- W would wear wedding ring Sunday (memorial service , 04/18)

2. W would kiss/hug me before her/I leave for work each day
- W would hug me " "
- W would call/text to say goodnight (like she use to)
- W would say "hi" when coming home from work / "bye" when leaving to work

3. W would become intimate with me again
- W would not be "shy" around me anymore
- W would sleep in same bed as me
- W would hold hand in public or show some affection for me.

4. W would ask me to go places and do things with her
- W would agree to going places with me if I asked w/o saying "Up to you" or "if you want"
- W will invite me to benefit for co-worker.
- W will attend friends wedding with me

5. W would call to talk to me "just because" when either one of us are at work
- W would text me more often
- W would include more text in each text she sends me

Feedback welcome. Still looking for advice for my sitch. I will compose a list of common responses/statements my W makes and I want to develop a common constructive response to help our sitch.

I don't know anything about making goals for divorce busting. But it does seem odd to me that all your goals are for what she will do. If we can't control anyone but ourselves, shouldn't the goals be for what you will do? Is this really how they recommend setting goals? It seems like an impossible task to set your goal that she will do all these things.

Well, the goals are supposed to be for what you want more of, or want done differently, in the relationship.

Sgtxok had a thread over in Solutions Workshop where she was going to help people set goals.

The way she approached it was, what were things like in the relationship when these things happened more often? What can you do to help recreate that environment?

The other big thing is that you shouldn't focus on more than one or two goals at a time, and they should be something that can be accomplished within a week or two. So if I were in OIN's place, I would pick two of the smaller subgoals to focus on.

Lotus,
From what I understood you set small attainable goals. Goals that is achieved will give indication that the DB you are doing is generating positive response. These goals I set will tell me that we are either getting closer to or farther from reconcile. It also will help keep me motivated. If these attainable goals are achieved then I know I am doing what works and I keep doing it.

I also have set self improvement goals. Changes I need to make to become a better person and greater husband.