Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Husband being hateful and cruel. Is this a stage?

Since it is my birthday, today is going to be a challenge for me. The sadness that my h always gave me a dozen roses and I don't think he would even give me a dandelion this year! I always received cards from his family. Of course, no cards from any of them this year. They believe everything h has spewed about me. Even his aunt, who is a Christian. Of course, I always thought she was the kind that was too holy to be any earthly good.....you know, the unrealistic kind of person. Yes, it does surprise me that she hasn't sent a card, but I guess just like the Bible says, in the last even the very elect will be deceived!

So, today I am determined to have a good day and do whatever I want to do! I don't have to walk on eggshells, be concerned about what he wants to do or what mood he is in, etc. So, even though it's sad that I won't hear from h, it's freeing at the same time. My daughter said she has plans for me tonight, so I'm sure I'll have a good time. I just need to keep telling myself to keep on swimming, keep on swimming!

You can thank MWD. She put it there!

Happy Birthday CK!!! Go with D and enjoy!!!

Well, my birthday is over and I actually managed not to contact h. I admit I almost did a couple of times. I really miss my h and wanted to talk to him. But, then I remembered that he has been taken hostage by aliens so I can't talk to the h I knew. I would like to think he thought about me throughout the day. He always bought me roses and even though my daughter bought me 2 dozen roses (which was very sweet) it still isn't the same. So, even though I am sad, I also feel good about myself for not contacting him.

For us LBS it really is baby steps, isn't it? Today when I didn't hear from h at all, even if it was just a text message saying happy birthday, I got aggravated because I felt he had total control over the situation. The silence was deafening! And that's when I was tempted to call him. Then it dawned on me that I could also take control by NOT contacting him at all. And perhaps not hearing from me makes him wonder what's going on with me. Or at least I'd like to think that. I'll just keep praying and lifting him up.

Well, I am learning more every day about how vicious the spewing from my MLC h can get. Today while I was checking my bank account online, I noticed he still had not deposited his half of the tax fee and then there was a charge for the ID protection that he had put on our joint checking account. That fee is $8.95 a month. Not a huge deal, but I just don't think I should have to keep paying for it. I have tried to have it removed, but was told we would have to be in the same room so they could talk to us together and make sure we both want it removed. Months ago h said we could do that; now he doesn't want to be near me.

So, this morning after I asked him to deposit the $8.95, he said no. His reason was that he didn't consider it his account anymore and I would just have to take care of it. I laughed and told him I didn't care if he didn't consider it his account, the fact remains it is a joint account. I told him I didn't mind paying the fee every other month until we finally had it removed, but I wasn't going to get stuck with it every month. After much weeping and gnashing of teeth on his part, he said he would pay 5 bucks of it. (apparently the extra $3.95 was going to break him!) He complained about all the money he has to give me and the bills the court ordered him to pay. I replied that this was simply part of the divorce process that he started. He wouldn't be doing any of that if he hadn't filed for divorce!

Then, true to form, he kept texting me! He was bringing up problems he had with our adult children, and I actually agreed with him on everything he said. You would have thought I was fighting against him, though. He told me he was just going to take 2 of our kids to court because they owed him money. I figured he was trying to bait me so I just said if he thought that was the best way to take care of things instead of just perhaps talking to them and letting them know they should pay him back, and if he could live with the consequences of suing his own children, then go for it. I must have hit a nerve because then he started calling me names and he has never done that in the 33 years I've known him! I told him he needs to be careful what he says and does because these things could/would come back to haunt him later on and he would suffer and regret everything he did. Then he accused me of being a psychologist and "he must have missed me getting my license."I simply told him it wasn't rocket science and just because he can't see the forest for the trees doesn't mean other people can't see that he's suffering. I told him he married a smart woman and not an idiot who is clueless about everything he's going through.

I decided to end it there and told him I really had been done after I had simply requested he pay the $8.95. After he complained again about me texting, he continued to spew. I just ignored him and didn't reply.

I went back and re-read all of the links on Monster. I'm not sure if I totally understand it all, but h seems like he is going through stages of Monster, if there is such a thing. Where in the beginning of all this, he would tell me he loves me but just can't live with me, now it's all out hatred, can't stand me and despises me! And now he's calling me names, which he never did before. That's one of the things he accused me of doing to him.

I thought that if I replied to him using facts and being sort of matter of fact in my answers it would calm him down. But, it seems like my approach only made him angrier. That's when his spewing got really vicious! I think that could possibly be because he knew I was correct in the facts and it ticked him off that I could be so matter of fact and didn't react emotionally to his attack. Am I on the right track with this?

I have only had contact with h when it involves the business of our marriage. I have totally cut off contact from him when I used to find a reason to talk to him or see him. The one thing I have noticed after I decided to try this approach is that he is lashing out at me more when we do "talk". (he insists on texting, which I hate with a passion because he doesn't want to hear my voice. I think that's because hearing me would show how I feel, not just the words and that would get to him) So, what am I to take from his increased spewing hatred at me when I hardly talk to him at all anymore? Is this just guilt on his part?

I would suggest you go as dark as possible. NC would keep a lot of this from happening. I would not expose myself to his spew unless you absolutely had to. Take yourself totally out of his line of fire.

I wouldn't take to much out of his increased spewing other that he is deep within his crisis.

Sorry you have to go through this but vent here as necessary.

I agree with old pilot. No contact is best. I remember my first birthday without my ex, he bought me a little white bear from the dollar store. That about summed up our relationship. Hang in there.

I need to vent a little, so here goes. This past weekend my daughter's friend from college and her 2 little girls came to visit us. She had her van packed, kids in the car, and her van wouldn't start. I asked my next door neighbor to look at her van, even though I believed she just needed a new battery. We jumped the battery, but it died soon after that. A man visiting his daughter (my neighbor on the other side) walked over, said he was a retired mechanic and he would take a look at it. Later, I thought good thing he retired, because he knew nothing more than I did....which wasn't much! Both men said the terminals were corroded so bad, she would have to have the van towed somewhere because they couldn't get the battery out.

We thanked them for helping us and she turned to me and asked me if I knew anyone who I would trust to look at her van who wouldn't charge her an arm and a leg. I said yeah, sure I do...my husband. I sent him a text, making sure I just stuck to the facts asking him if he had time to look at it for her. He replied he was busy all night long. I sent a text back, saying "ok, thanks anyway." 15 minutes later he calls me. He asked me exactly what was wrong with the van and I repeated what I told him before. Then he tells me that he could come down later this evening, but it wouldn't be until after 8 P.M. Then he goes on to tell me that he was having friends over for a potluck dinner. He said he fixed soup and others were bringing different dishes. I was so good at this point because I did not react like the old me. My husband basically doesn't even like people....never wanted to have people over to our house, and certainly never willingly invited people over to eat dinner with us! He had just shocked me to my core! But, I simply said, "oh, that's nice. Well, you sound too busy tonight and I certainly wouldn't want to take you away from your company." He sounded almost like he was disappointed that I was letting him off the hook. He said, no, I will be done early enough and I'll call you to let you know what time I'll be there. I said, "Ok, but if you can't make it, we understand. Thanks."

My son came to the house. He had also gone to college with my daughter's friend. (In fact, they dated before and he basically never really got over her.) He said he would help her, so I left to go meet my daughter to have dinner. Just when our food was brought to us, I get a text from h saying his potluck was canceled and he was in route. I told him where I was and that my son and friend were at the house. H texts again, saying I'll be there in 5 minutes.

Now, I wanted to run out of the restaurant to get home ASAP. My daughter talked me out of it and she was right. We had a nice dinner and I left to drive home. My h already had the battery in when I got home. He had sliced his finger somehow doing it and asked me for some peroxide. I got that and when I returned to give it to him, I noticed he had shaved off his mustache. I remarked, "hey, you shaved your mustache off!" He said, yeah, I did that about 3 weeks ago. Well, I never even noticed that on the day I had him sign the tax papers. I asked him why he did that since he has had one ever since I met him. H answered that he got up one day, looked in the mirror and decided he wanted to see what he looked like without it. And since he had not had a clean shaven face since he got out of basic training, he thought he would give it a try. I just smiled and said ok. (I personally think he looks much better with the mustache, but I kept my mouth shut)The thought also crossed my mind about maybe another woman hated it and he shaved for her, but I don't want to linger on that thought!

My son and friend were busy watching her little ones as h finished. I remarked to him about how daughter and I mowed the lawn for the first time and how I thought it was harder than I ever thought it was. He smirked and said yes it is hard and even harder when someone is yelling at me for not doing the job to her liking. I asked him what he was talking about and he told me again that I was a perfectionist and demanded he do the job the way I wanted it done. Now, I don't ever remember being that way, but I decided not to argue with him. I simply said, "well, I'm sorry if I was ever that way. I'm not the same person I used to be and I confess I don't remember actually being that way. But, I apologize for treating you badly."

When he was going to his car, I said "thank you for doing this. I know it took a lot out of you to drive down here and fix this after you worked all day." Now, all of a sudden, he changed to the monster. He glared at me and said "yes, it did take a lot out of me." I said "I told you when she asked me if I knew anyone who I could trust. That was you. We had 2 other men look at it and they couldn't even get the battery out!" He said, well it isn't rocket science. I said, "maybe not, but 2 other guys couldn't do it, and you came here tonight and fixed it quick without a problem and I appreciate it." He grimaced and said "oh, flattery." I said "no, it's not flattery, it's the truth. You do a great job and I thank you for it. Goodnight." And with that he pulled off as I walked into the house. But, this time I actually walked into the house instead of standing there watching him go.

I question now if he even had a dinner planned, but only told me that to get a rise out of me. And, maybe it was good that I wasn't home when he got here. For a few minutes tonight standing there by her van, we were chatting just like husband and wife. I could feel the vibe between us...I think he did, too. But, just as quickly, he changes and starts being mean to me.

I would like to think he noticed how I did not get sucked into an argument he was trying to start. And how I did not shed a tear or even look sad. I remained cordial and happy. And, what I noticed was that it was easier for me this time. I didn't have to force myself to act this way; I was comfortable. I guess I am changing.

Confusion causes them to do alot of things, CK. Like the prior advice given, you probably need to go as dark as you possibly can, NO CONTACT.

As long as his lips are moving, he is most likely lying, as they all do.

Looks like you handled him well, although he was involved in "rewriting history" as he went...they all do that, too.

Continue to focus on yourself, don't call him for anything you might need done...figure out how to get it done yourself...this is not just his time, but YOUR time to learn to be totally independent.

You were asking if they remembered anything once they made it out of the tunnel(if/when they make it out), the answer is no, they will remember very little if anything from that time once they are out completely and going forward.

He has a LONG way to go before that happens, if it does happen.
Life has NO guarantees when it comes to anything concerning the MLC, and you have no choices nor do you have any control except over YOU and your life.

I was reading where you said God was seeming to be late...I know from experience, God is NEVER late; He is ALWAYS right on time when He moves within a situation.

All things are done according to His purpose, His timing...and He knows ALL things about everything. There have been times when I have questioned Him on things, and been shown that all things have a time and a season...He knows when to move, and He has ALWAYS been right on the mark.

The point being, He created us and knows exactly what we need and when we need it. He makes a way when there doesn't seem to be one...I've seen this happen many times over my life, and it increased my understanding of the Lord.

I'm still dealing with my husband down due to a broken ankle, but our bills are paid, we are fed, and the Lord continues to watch after both of us....my husband is not quite the believer that I am, but still the Lord has continued to make a way for me to support myself and him on my own.

There are some days I seem to be working myself half to death, BUT, the loads are there for me, and if the Lord wasn't working within the situation, we'd have a really hard time.

I could say the same thing about God being late considering some of the loads I've had to book; but the bills are still getting paid, even if a few are a couple of days past due...but I'm looking at the fact He is providing our needs, and not quibbling over due dates.

I know it's not the same thing, but what I don't understand about how God moves, I leave in His Hands...as sometimes it's not meant for me to understand exactly why or how He does things.

In time, He reveals what He chooses to reveal what He knows I will be able to understand..the rest I have to just learn to not question Him about....as my understanding is nowhere near His.

The Bible says "Seek and ye shall find. Knock and it shall be answered." Some of the answers are found within His Word, and some will be given through people He sends to you to help you understand more about your situation.

In time, I believe, you will gain a greater understanding of why this is happening, but that time is not now...It will come later on when you're stronger and better able to understand.

In the meantime, lay all things within His capable Hands, and trust in Him to move when the time is right.

Trust and faith are built through waiting upon the Lord, and that takes patience, perseverance, and being willing to go the distance. The only way out of this trial is through it..no shortcuts are allowed.
The more you fight it, the longer it will take to finish it, unless you get stuck within it...and that has happened to people before.

God allows things to happen for a reason, sometimes that reason is revealed right off the bat, sometimes it is later before you see what it was for...but there is a reason for everything that happens in this life.

Take care of yourself, focus on YOU...questions are all right, but don't let the questions take away the focus from what you'll need to do to grow within this trial.

You cannot help your husband at this time, only yourself, and the more time you spend focused on him, the less time you will have for yourself.

No matter what you do, it will not make this go any faster..it will run the speed it's meant to run until finished..or he gets stuck...again, there are no guarantees in this life.

You can go on with your life, all the while leaving a door open for him to come through, but do NOT put your life on hold for him.

It was never meant for you to do so. And, eventually, when it all comes clear to you, you'll kick yourself hard for having held yourself back when you could have gone forward and learned all you needed to learn.

Take care.

This post was a good reminder for me, HB (sorry for the hijack, CK). Waiting on God's timing . . .