Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers PLEASE HELP ME WITH MY MARRIAGE!

SDFoundGirl, ther's no mortgage. This was her Dad's house. He has passed and her Mom lives in the mid-west so we take care of the place and pay taxes/insurance.

I won't be emotional in front of her but I'm ready to quit my 2nd job anyway because I wan't to spend more time with my kids.

I really hope your wrong about the affair. I just can't stand the thought.

She *will* distrust any changes you make for a while, which is why they need to be FOR YOU and CONSISTENT. My H actually told his (one-sided, his) EA that I was acting like an alien, and in MC said he thought I was just doing it to win him back and didn't trust it. I told him he could believe whatever he wanted, but I was working on myself, and it didn't matter what he thought.

That was completely true, and it's why the changes have become long lasting.

I saved my M, but it requires lots of patience and work on yourself. It helped that we were in MC from the beginning, and I DB'd within a month of the sitch and was consistent. It would have been longer if the woman he was infatuated with had returned his feelings. As it was, she just enjoyed his attention and did nothing to discourage it. My H is also at his core a really solid, moral guy, so it was harder for him to just drop it all and walk away.

Even with all the positives in my sitch, it took five months post bomb with weekly counseling sessions and DBing and IC on both of our parts (and the woman getting involved with a mutal friend of theirs) before he recommitted, and probably a good three years for both of us to feel really solid in the M again. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

SD

SDFoundGirl, Wow! I can tell you I'm ready to commit to improving myself and have mentioned this prior to the bomb. I hope she recognizes at least a shred of sincerity in my actions.

I'm glad to know you still have a marriage to work on and hope I can say the same thing as we move forward. I'm so serious about doing whatever it takes. So, changes for me and my kids, stay calm, and and understand I'm not supposed to say "I Love You" anymore. That's tough because I've siad those words from my heart for many years!

So I have a quick question. Sorry if I'm missing the answer in the previous posts but I'm a little fuzzy after the last couple days.

So, she knows I want to keep our marriage together as I stated that as recently as yesterday. Should I refrain from mentioning that intent as we proceed? It seems implied as we talk about MC but I'm just not sure what to do. I'm a very direct guy and usually say what's on my mind which seems to be the wrong thing to do in this case. Thanks again!

DAD

She knows that you still want to work on m and also how u feel about her but it sound weak and needy to repeat it. The i love yous must also stop.

At this point event though she probably knows u well, u must keep her guessing that maybe u wont be there forever and maybe she should work on the m. But this is going to take time and patience.

As for the OM. This is my current thread about Does going dark drive the WAW away.

Check that thread and u will get some insight from some of the heavy hitters on this site.

As i mentioned, i have made mistakes DBing. Dont make the same ones i have. We are human and often are controlled by our emotions but these are not normal times and we must be more discilined than ususal if this is to work.

Even if it goes against how we normally handle situations. I am like you in many ways and am a straight shooter. What u see is what u get and i have lived my life that way.

That is why it seems counterproductive to follow DB but they are the experts in this and yes, when i follow it , it keeps her wondering if i am managing without her and she doesn`t like it much

Stay strong

ninelives, I just read your thread. I really hope and pray your R heals. For you, your W and the kids.

Like you I asked my wife about OM and she denied which clearly can't be believed. Other than checking her cell records (which I'll do after I take a walk for my sanity) I don't know how I find out for sure. We live in a town of about 35K so I suppose it"s possible.

In addition, I still am in the home and we sleep in the same bed. When I asked about sleeping arrangements she said "might as well sleep in our bed because nothing ever happens anyway". Ouch! After we went for a walk last night we were sitting on the couch watching a movie. The kids were downstairs so I asked if she was interested in sex. The answer was a fast "no". I realize now this was the wrong thing to do. I guess I have to wait until it"s her idea?

I've ordered the books DB & DR. They can't get here soon enough! OK, off for a walk then on to the depressing task of checking cell records. This is just about more than I can take!

Any thoughts on my last post and the fact that I still live with my wife and kids? The fact that we can go for a friendly walk together? I realize this is old news for many of you but again, the wound is fresh and I simply don't have the state of mind to research all history here.

Thanks very much for your help!

Try to figure out what emotional needs you have not been meeting and meet them. For example, she said "nothing happens anyway". That sounds like she notices the lack of touch. This does necessarily mean sex. It could just mean touch. Try offering her a massage, sit next to her so your bodies can touch, etc.

Whether there's another man or not, if she feels her needs are met by you, why would she leave? 180s are often meeting needs of the other spouse in ways you would like to do, but you ust haven't been doing.

Avoid the following:
- statements encouraging separations of body or lives
- saying things to pressure her to do something (give her some breathing room while staying nearby)
- getting angry...as your sadness passes, anger or resent may creep in. Be ready and stay in control of your emotions
- pretending you are happier now. If you are happier, then a D would only help more. Be honest with yourself and her in ways that show you have self-control. (ie, "I'm falling apart inside" instead of crying a storm)
- treating her like a disease. If she asked for a D there was something wrong in the marriage. She should've been 'nicer', but she is trying to deal with a situation no one expects to be in. Try to look for those things wrong, decide on what changes you want to make for your life, and do them.
- being impatient. She and you need some time to sort out tough emotions. Some words can't be taken back so easily. Patience will help you find a route out.

Good luck, DCB. Try to get some good sleep tonight so you can think clearly. If she allows you, hug her tonight and thank her for bringing up some serious relationship problems and tell her you're committed to re-examining yourself as a husband in the next month. Let her know that you'd like some time before making any decisions.

These are just thoughts...consider them as that.

Onthemountaintop, thanks very much for your response. I'll be home in a little over 1 hour and am making a concentrated effort to take propper steps. "Nothing happening" definatley means sex but I don't hug much anymore either which is crazy because I love to embrace my wife. I hugged her when I arrived home last night and again this morning.

I'm glad to hear that a 180 can mean changing my habits to do the things I need to do in relation to my W. I'm also VERY glad to know I don't have to pretend to be happy. She knows I'm not. I can toughen up and avoid tears which is required with the kids present anyway. But you are telling me it's OK to TELL her how I feel? That I'm very upset? She knows...I don't want to be too graphic but I'm sure she hears me "loose my lunch" the past 2 mornings.

I did tell her I'll do anything possible to address my faults and I think quitting my 2nd job is the first step. I asked if we could attend church together as a family once my weekend are free and she agreed with a "yes". I hope this isn't just a front until we get through my sons confirmation next month. In fact, she mentioned that we need to stay together through confirmation for my son. I guess I'll just take positive steps and pray she accepts me.

I live in the same house and sleep in the same bed so staying close will happen by default (thank goodness). I'll avoid discussing the R and continue to improve myself while being very involved with my kids.

I'm making these statements for the benefit of everyone offering advice. I love this woman and treat as such. Looks like I'll need to buy sleeping pills on the way home.

Again, I know these issues have been discussed many times. In my current state of despiration and emotional distress I appreciate the interaction as it has helped me get through the day more than I can say. Thank you!

No, don't tell her you're upset. She is not your confidant anymore, and sharing your sadness makes you look weak, and weak = unattractive to women.

If she asks you directly, just say, "I don't like the situation, but I understand you feel there's no way to improve things. I feel differently, but I respect your opinion." Save the rest for a friend or a counselor.

Also, get busy. Either go do things with the kids, or start to Get a Life (GAL) outside of the house. What hobbies or friends have you dropped? What have you always wanted to try? When my sitch took hold, I got involved in Meetup.com groups, pushed myself to meet people (it was my first year in a new city, and I used to be very shy), joined a writing group, went to free concerts in the park, began walking daily (it helped to release the anxiety and stress), and read voraciously. H and I shared a house, but he moved into another bedroom as a compromise for not moving out. I treated him like a roommate, and Acted as If. I made sure I looked and smelled good, and there were times I'd just go hang out at the bookstore for a while to keep myself busy and make sure I was getting home later than he was.

It was an amazing time for ME. I made a lot of friends and finally got over my social anxiety. I was active and had a lot of fun. Therefore, when H was being all phantom of the opera, I just ignored him and kept smiling.

Have you read the books yet?

SD