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LSG,

No, she thinks my addiction is a choice. I've been trying in many different ways for 22/34 years of my life from my first episode to get the desire for it out of my mind. Our M problems just made it worse.

She does agree that a doc would help, but there is a waiting list of 7 more weeks. I've explained that these experts all tell me that it will take a while, and even then, it is more like alcohol...you are fighting to keep sober because the addiction never really goes away. I've tried to explain that I've read & my IC said there were brain chemistry changes to deal with, too. Despite this, she believes if I wanted her, I would just stop.

I'll ask the doc when I see her about support for my W...thanks

Hi OMTB,

I think you need to be careful here, the addiction may not be a choice. But it is a choice on whether you succumb to it. I know it is a difficult choice; and one that must be made each and every day. But it is a choice.

We all have our weaknesses. We must be careful not to use it as a crutch.

Take care,
-T

Thanks Tristan~

I love how you put it. As I began accepting that I had a bigger problem than many men, I've been cautious to not internally use it as a crutch. I am around my W because I know that one day in the next 5-10 years it will likely happen again. What then? She's sworn that she'll D if it ever did reoccur. Ever. Even once.

If I had any track record of success greater than 5 months, I wouldn't worry. But, I haven't. 5 months was my max. With help, I'm sure I can get that to a year, and eventually 3 years, then prayerfully forever. But in 6 months forever?

Thanks for the reminder though. I probably need to change the way I both think and speak about it.

In what ways do you think using porn the same as having an affair (or similar) to anyone?

While I am trying to stop forever (plus it is a sin for which I've always felt guilty), my W sees them as synonomus. She says that when she thinks of me looking at other women, she feels like I am doing it with them and then doesn't want to see me at all. I get the hurt part.

Sitch Update...
Right now, she is seriously asking for a separation (again, 8x in 3 months) until I am totally off it.

My response: She said "you're the man you have to go" at 8:50 pm as I was unloading the dishwasher (because I wanted to go to our room to exercise with the door locked for 15 min - yes, exercise only; this was also after supper where I complemented her, showed affection, was kind to kids - a kind of perfect evening). So, I did the hardest thing for me and left. I exercised at work, slept in my van until 3am. After that, I slept on the couch at my house.

In the morning, she apologized, said she couldn't control her anger, and that she wasn't going to sleep in our room anymore. I told her that if she wants a separation, it wouldn't be like last time. It would be complete. I would not be with the kids or her at all, including dinner. She would need to take care of bills, buying food, whatever.

I then added I didn't want any separation. I also made it clear that while I feel bad that she is having a rough time, I was too and I will succeed in time.

I know this is a touchy and very controversial topic, but I'll bite.

(sorry, bad pun for those into the whole S&M thing, but here goes . . . )

I don't necessarily think that porn is a problem in a marriage. However, I think it is if:

- you are spending marital/family assets on it that is hurting the family financially;

- it is leading you to initiate -- or being willing to reciprocate -- sex at a frequency that is less than what your spouse is desirous of;

- it has become addictive to the point where other things aren't getting done (time with the kids, QT with your spouse, other things that used to be of importance in your life);

And of course, the ol' "general welfare" clause that seems to roll up most of the debate:

- if your spouse has a real problem with it, is hurt by it, to the point of saying this is a "dealbreaker" for them.

I realize that men and women, when polled, will answer this question very differently.

But when is it the same as having an affair? I would say only if you're having cybersex with OW/OM online.

Puppy

Agree 100%

I like porn. I enjoy watching it. H and I used to watch it together and those nights were always happy nights lol

Unless you are giving up things in your life, whether it be family time/money/hobbies/work, etc. to watch porn, then I see no problem with it.

Not spending any money (except once, $30)



She blames it for why we didn't have enough sex. In the last few weeks, it has been quite often (:

She has also said that she caught me in our first year but wouldn't confront me. I suspect that affected her enough that the LM environment for many of our years was toxic to me, which only made it worse, but that is the past and I've apologized, but I can't change it.




Yes - rarely, but it has. I'll have to consider how to accept responsibility and apologize - thanks Puppy~




Never could. I'm not sure if she even knows how in depth it could be to be afraid of it, but I never have. I guess it could've led there, so I'm glad to be getting pro help with it.

Thanks again, Puppy~

I think she'd feel better if I hated it, but it's like saying to someone they need to hate the taste of a pie. You can say, "don't eat it", but how do you say, "you have to hate it?"

I can & do hate it for religious or moral grounds, but 22/34 of my years have included it at some level. I want to hate it; but I don't (yet?).

you know, OTM, my H was an avid watcher of adult films. i didn't and don't really MIND them, but i felt like he was sneaky about it, which is the thing that bothered me. i wouldn't say he was addicted, but we did spend about $40 a month on on-demand films he'd order when i wasn't home, and i knew he had a stash of dvds hidden in his closet.

i just never understood why he felt like he needed to hide it from me. i'd look at the dates on the comcast bill and the second i'd go out of town, there would be 2 or 3 films in a row ordered. i never told him not to watch it and i would certainly never tell him i wanted him to hate it. i would watch it with him from time to time, but i still felt like it was something he wasn't that comfortable with.

my POV is, don't hate the film...hate what it does to your family life. if it stops you from spending time with your W or your family, that's where the problem is. it's not in the movies themselves. if you can't tear yourself from the computer or it's interfering with your sex life or your W feels like you prefer that over her...those are the things to hate.

watching porn from time to time never hurt anyone. it's when you let it take over that the issues arise. does your W feel it's taken over or is a priority in your life?

Agreed.