Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers 5 weeks left to DB - need help with my plan

Five whistles!!! lol

or a better way to express this "Your CHILD does not need this melodrama in THEIR life... backburner this fool until he ACTS responsibly... IGNORE EVERYTHING he SAYS.. its just BS"

And get a GOOD FRIEND piano to support you and hang out with you until you adjust... your H will keep jerking you around until you have an "emotinoal linebacker" to BLOCK him from manipulating you

Just don't know Allen if there IS any affair. A couple of posts back I outline whether it's reason 1. affair 2. scared of fatherhood or 3. immaturity/avoiding responsibility that are driving him today. Don't know if A is over or not. It's certainly been over physically for 3 months cos she's o/seas.

If it's 2 and 3, surely I have a different problem on my hands and my response to H should differ?

What if he is truly UNWELL? A nervous breakdwn? Can I play hardball ? What if I destroy him more?



You have my promise, Allen - I am very well physcially - my doctors and pilates teacher and my psych say I am in great physical shape and mentally as good as I can be right now.



Yes, today's job.

Journaling about WH:

The thing about my husband, whom I do love and don't want to divorce, despite his warts..let me make that MASSIVE warts...is that he will never harm me or challenge me physically or in any threatening way. He will never front up at my door making abusive demands. He is a gentle creature. I'm more pitbull than him. I guess the way he is behaving today is the only way he can hurt me - to abandon me emotionally.

He said once he would not challenge me if I go for full custody. But that's also about a strange disconnectedness he's got how....and I see it as being tied in with his "inner child" --- this running from his past and personal story (his Dad leaving) that he does so well.

He's an 'arrivist' and a survivor - no dad, overly emotional and dependent single mum , quite poor - and he's survived up untl this grand age of 40 on his brains, his capacity for friendship and his charms (he's the life of the party & adored by all - he's Godfather to two children already!!). By being these things he was able to have himself 'adapoted' into other more stable, more middle-class families, as he has permentantly been on the run from his own. He escaped into my family too. He escaped big time into the family of OW - from the age of ten that extended family has been his 'replacement' family.

And now, on the cusp of creating his own... he puts on the running shoes and he's off.

It's what he knows.

I have booked H's appointment with parenting counselor - in one week's time.

I don't know if I am going to get a 2x4 about this or what ---- the counselor is also my DB Coach.....but H won't know that.

Does everyone think this is OK?


I can't for the life of me find a local, marriage-friendly equivalent to talk to him about how fathers should behave.
My coach has great values - I trust coach to do no harm.

I want to write the letter to H this weekend. So incoportate the appointment news in the one email....

Open to all advice, ciriticsm, approval here... don't want to mess up.

Piano,

very proud of you! stay strong!!! I think the letter idea is a great way to let him know where you stand. It will also help you release negative energies and get things off of your chest.

Is your parent counseling over the telephone? with him too?

Does he plan to be there for the birth? Is he nearby?

I wish you stregnth!

Affair's dont' end overnight and many people carry on affairs over the computer, telephone, etc. It is VERY easy now to use electronics to extend affairs long distance. He could be having sex with her nightly with a webcam attached to his PC

DO NOT think that distance makes a difference. I am in Ontario Canada and my wife had an affair with a creep in Florida. It all started over the PC... I figured it wasn't a big deal and I played softball with her because of that distance. Before I knew it He was secretly flying up here to meet with her while I was at work. Do not underestimate a distance affair.. it can actually strenghten the addiction rather than weaken it. It heightens the romance, which intensifies the chemicals rushing through his brain.



The safest bet is to assume its all three.

The approach is the same. YOU are in a marriage and have a child on the way. This is NO PLACE for the SQUEAMISH. If you H can't stand the heat then he's a DETRIMENT to the parenting process and a bad influence. Your child needs ADULT support, not some flighty irresponsible hopeless (and I don't mean that as a compliment) romantic.

Marriges and children need ADULTS to guide and protect them. If he isn't up for that kind of work he's dead weight and you ought to lose him. I am HOPING in LOSING him he WAKES UP and makes an adult commitment. You really aren't in a position right now to be playing softball with him. This nonsense is tolerable for a few weeks, but eventually he needs to grow a pair or get out of the way.



You arent' his mother. HE needs to GROW UP. Do you want to be babysitting him the REST of your LIFE? Seriously you WILL TIRE of this nonsense and lose respect for him. He needs to carry his OWN WEIGHT or your marriage will not work. Right now he's USELESS to you when you NEED him MOST. If THIS is the kind of thing you can expect from your husband he's a husband you DON'T NEED.

For better AND FOR WORSE...

He is just

For better AND FOR... Heck I'm gettin outa here!

He's a passive aggressive my dear, and they are still bullies, they just do it in a more subtle form.



Distance and avoidance, escapism, its all destructive behaviour. He may as well be around and be beating you over the head. He's just being passive aggressive...

Is he going to run away when his child needs their diapers changed? When his child gets in trouble at school? When his child is being bullied and needs protection? What about when his child is an adult and the third party in someone ELSE's marriage and is covertly attacking that marriage trying to destroy it so that his child can run away with the wayward spouse?

Is YOUR HUSBAND going to partner up with YOU and GUIDE this child safely through LIFE or his he going to play cat and mouse games with you each time life gets difficult?

You don't need a fairweather husband... if that's his game, then oust him until he grows up and makes a FULL commmitment to do the WORK.

You need a PARENT, not just a fairweather HUSBAND. A GOOD husband is a partner, a partner in parenting.

This guy has been flying solo the whole time. He does what he wants when he wants, and when he's pressured to take on responsability, he runs right?

Is that your idea of a partnership?

It's just passive aggressive behaviour still. He's still doing damage. The idea that he's not overtly physically aggressive is erroneous. You need someone who is NOT aggressive at ALL.. someone who can SPELL cooperation.

This guy wants to play cat and mouse with you and be a father?

Sorry, that game dont' work.. its a TERRIBLE environment for a child... The child will grow up needy and frustrated with him.

Children when born and into their early twenties are DEPENDENTS... but your husband is NOT someone who you can DEPEND ON...

I say cut him out and tell him he has some growing up to do and he isnt' welcome into YOUR family until you are confident he's grown a pair. Get him a business card of a good therapist who can educate him a bit, and then cut him loose.

Sorry but I don't like the idea of coddling this fool. If your DB Coach wants you to cater to this fool's melodrama when you are trying to give birth and prepare your home for parenting they are deluded. He's an ADULT and he needs to be TREATED like one.

I am all for you owning your faults in your marriage and making yourself a more attractive person to partner with, but this guy isn't just having a few doubts and wants out.. he's GONE and worse he's NEGLECTING his responsabilities as a PARENT... this is MUCH more SERIOUS than waywardness.

Becomming a Parent is a HUGE undertaking, and if the best he can come up with under that pressure is to RUN then HE needs to GROW UP before he gets involved in parenting.

How can you expect this guy to partner with you and parent a child when he plays cat and mouse games like a teenager?

I think db coaches are great for giving a person hope, but I also think that they can coddle wayward's TOO MUCH. I don't find this helps ANYONE GROW UP.

If the db coach is going to have a serious heart to heart with him and tell him to grow a pair or get out of the way so he's not doing DAMAGE then great... if the db coach is just going to baby this guy hoping he starts to show up now and then I think you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of dissappointment.

This man needs to learn responsability.

Let me ask you a very hard question about your husband.

Here's the setup :
Your child has grown up and is 17 now. Your husband is the man he is now. You are on a weekend away at a spa. Your husband is at home, its 2 am. Husband's watching TV, your son/daughter is out someplace with friends. The phone rings and your Husband picks it up. It's your son/daughter. There's been an ugly car accident. Your son/daughter has been drinking a bit and run someone over. The person they hit is dead... Your son/daughter wants their father's advice..

Now what do YOU want their father, your HUSBAND, to tell them to do? You wont be there, so you need to know this is going to be handled right.

And what on earth do you THINK your husband WILL do?

If they aren't the same thing.. you need to backburner this fool.

Allen, just woke up n read your comments, LOL...I need a strong coffee before get into this!! Back in a few hrs (after that coffee).
Gucci just posted this on another thread too - copying it here for added inspiration:

"The sad thing is getting women to get the strength to let him go and let him think she is emotionally done. We know that works because of the number of men on this site responding exactly to a woman who has done exactly that....The women on here are under the impression that letting go means the relationship is done, when it is actally quite the opposite."