Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Turning to you for hope with WAH

thanks for your concern lotus. we do believe our son is in a heaven and a parent couldn't ask for more than that. at the time i thought we both dealt with it well but H grieved much much later. it definitely contributed to issues now b/c H feels like we went our separate ways and "accentuated" the issues we had already. we've been doing the MC off and on but it's really not helpful since he's not "there" emotionally. our counselor i think is really at a loss at to what we should be doing.

someone else mentioned retrouville and i would love to try it out. i think H might go as well but next one is in july! also, we did a gottman workshop which was great but seemed to have no effect on H. he's literally at a point where he's so disconnected...that's the piece that's the hardest. we get along, care for each other, etc...but he's not willing to give this a shot.

Pandora:

The first lesson is patience. You didn't get into this fix overnight, and you won't be able to repair it overnight. To coin a phrase, fixing your marriage is a marathon, not a sprint.

As for goals to focus on -- what are his main complaints about the R to date? Is there anything you can take on as a "180" project?

I would recommend The Divorce Remedy, The Solo Partner as good first reads, with Getting Back Together as a followup; they can give you practical adice you can start working on today.

If you want some other affirmations and bits of sage advice, Michele Weiner-Davis (our esteemed hostess) posts regularly on Facebook and on Twitter. I collect most of the good bits in this thread.

The Five Love Languages, His Needs, Her Needs, and the books by Shaunti Feldhahn are good for learning how to have healthier relationships, learn to meet each others' needs, and communicate better.



Then that would be an excellent place to start. Learn how to be comfortable as your own person. It can be as simple as doing a little thing just for yourself every day.

Go have lunch out.
Go watch a movie that you want to see.
Go spend time with friends you haven't seen in a while
Pick up a new (or old!) hobby.

A walkaway spouse has decided that their relationship (and the other spouse) is the source of their unhappiness. While that's not fair or true, it doesn't mean that you aren't capable of changing that perception! Your husband may be relieved once you can demonstrate to him that he is not responsible for your happiness or well-being.

One last thought:

I am not an expert on such things, and I'm not sure that your H fits the profile, but you might take a look at the Midlife Crisis forum.

They have very good advice on dealing with WAH's, and can help you figure out if he is going through an MLC; they can be triggered by traumatic events such as the death of a child.

And of course, there is always The Prayer Circle...

I've been back and forth on the MLC thing...he's had some classic signs...bought a convertible, lost a ton of weight, is really into the way he looks, has been reflecting on his life, and talking a lot to his female co-worker.


I've been working on this for 11 months -- check out my story at the link at the start of this thread (not all the right way that's for sure but definitely for a large chunk of time)! I think that's why ppl are starting to tell me to move on... I am in this for the long haul but at what point do i need to get a clue?


Main complaints are that I wasn't a good wife in the beginning. I took away his confidence and basically didn't listen to him. He says he tried to be a good husband (which no doubt he was) and I basically didn't get it and treated him badly. Also, that I wasn't there as a support to him...he didn't feel like he could come to me with anything w/o feeling like he might "get in trouble" or be "judged." Do I see what he's saying, yes! So much so...it eats away at me. The issue with that complaint, though, is that it's like 5 years old! I have since changed SO much and very genuinely. Other complaints that he has voiced are not being decision maker, neglecting him, being too concerned about finances, etc. All those things too...I've changed. I don't want this to come off as self-centered but I know I'm a good wife now. I'm loving, respectful, give him attention, admiration and appreciation, take care of the house, look attractive, etc. My 180s have been to be a fascinating woman (not sure if anyone here has read fascinating womanhood).

TBC...

I would definitely check in on the MLC forum then.



When you are ready to move on.

People are going to tell you to move on because they don't want to see you hurting any more. But they don't have to live with the consequences of your decisions; you do.



If you have changed to the degree you say you have and he still doesn't see it and doesn't want to change, then he's either involved with someone else or possibly in the throes of midlife crisis. (Or possibly both.)

If it is an MLC, then you have a hell of a rollercoaster ride in front of you, because there's not really much you can do to snap him out of it. It's an internal process that MLCers have to work through on their own, and not everyone makes it out. You can see success stories in the MLC forum where they were waiting for years for their spouses to come around.

I would come back to this: stop worrying about him for a while. You still live together, and he knows where to find you if he wants to talk.

had a work meeting so had to stop...

I am all for more change though, don't get me wrong. But you bring up a good point which I have done a great job pushing away.

I actually keep myself super busy to a point that I think I am running away from reality. I hang out with friends, do stuff, etc. But at the core of it, I'm not in it to take care of me and be comfortable with me. I hate myself and feel like a huge failure. Objectively, I get that this kind of self-hate is not good but well, I just feel so awful about myself. I am at a point where I really don't understand why this is happening...even after this has been going on for so long...

He swears he only talks to his co-worker about work (they only text outside of work and don't talk on the phone or see each other) and anything he has shown me really aligns with that. I do think he's into her though (even if it's just on a friend level) and it eats me up inside. She's a distraction at the very least. Ultimately, I can't harp on it too much because it makes me go nuts and that's not helping the situation.

Also, I am hoping he's not having an MLC (our MC doesn't think so) b/c I don't think I could wait it out. I love him the way he used to be but I'm not sure it's worth it for me to spend so much more of life in limbo and who knows if he would come back.


Yes, i really need to focus on this...

the thing that throws me off though is that for the most part, he is nice to me. and there are times where he is tender and kind and i feel some connection (no matter how small). so then it makes me feel like...there is some hope.

He swears he only talks to his co-worker about work (they only text outside of work and don't talk on the phone or see each other) and anything he has shown me really aligns with that.

ALL cheaters LIE

@ luvless - they may lie but ultimately me obsessing over it won't do me any good...and that's what i do when i think about it.

i really need to focus on the outcome which is wanting to save this relationship. and i need some motivation for that.

Pandora:

The motivation has to come from within you. I can give you good reasons why you should want to stand for your marriage, but it's ultimately your choice to make.

Start with this:
* Why do you want to be married to your husband? What about your relationship makes you want it to continue?
* What changes in your relationship are you willing to live with in order to have it continue?
* What do you need from him in order to work on the relationship?