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waw calls me. seems that the job she was supposed to start monday has fallen through.

The text I sent her earlier was to call the job. She was extremely excited it about going to start on Monday.


She was extremely distraught about it. I was able to calm her down. I had her laughing and joking again.

Im still waiting to hear back about this job. I've been applying for jobs for both of us since I have both of our resumes and access to our laptop and DSL.

Something needs to give. I need a job badly. I'll continue to remain positive and continue my search

Hey James,

I'm sorry that you are struggling to find a job. I know how you feel my H tried looking for a job for 5 mos with no luck and he has an MBA! We lost thousands through that time. It sucks out there. Stay positive and I hope you find something soon.

Hugs...

Luv

I dont know if I got the other job or not, but Im consistently applying. I have no degree just experience in my IT/NETWORKING NOC field so I'm getting frustrated. Ive been a team lead, Level III qualified with superviser responsibilities. I've been doing this type of work since highschool The economy is so screwed up

Here's an update.

WAW was calling alot last night. I didn't answer the phone. Made it seem like I was busy. She starts texting. There's nothing negative or argueing going on. Just texting.

I finally reply to her texts. We begin talking about the bowling date and how much fun we both had.

I 180 she says I'm always focusing on the negative so I really describe our date in detail. What I liked. How I enjoyed her company. Her outfit was nice. How I enjoy holding her and touching and kissing her.

Then she starts talking about the date. She texts me stating how she enjoyed the bowling and eating and talking to me. She said she didn't feel like I was going to get upset or fear me being angry.

Furing the date she told me she had been running late because she picked out a nice outfit that nobody had seen her wear.

So I tell her how the day was very good. (we're still texting) How I really planned and thought through a fun day from my clothes (which I knew she'd like) to the bowling and the restaurant.

She then I geuss start panicking and getting close to me . Her next text is about how our kissing and hugging and the intimate stuff was "alright"

I get quiet. She stats calling and texting asking am I ok. I text more positive things about the date and overlook her comment.

Then she asks me if this date was about spending time with her or getting her to run back into my arms.

So I talk about our very first date. How it was pretty much the same as this one except we never really did anything but go out to eat (WAW loves eating out even though she's a tiny woman lol)

As I'm describing thefirst date she's like omg I can't believe you remember all of this.

Then the distance comes. She asked me a question so I answer.

I state before I got sick we had dates like this alot. I did this date because the previous night you called me and cried on my shoulder and confided how you were sorry for the things you had done.

(continued below)

This date was about me letting go of the past. Reminding you of how much fun we used to have. To let you know I forgive you too. That we can enjoy each others company again. Obviously the date was somewhat a success but not a total one because in the back of your mind you're still looking for motives.

We both agreed to just go out and have a good time with each other and let go of the past. But you have sent me texts about what my intentions were. You also asked me why I helped you job hunt and submitted your resume to jobs for you. You stated that I want to throw it up in your face later during an argument how I had to help you again because you did not get the job on Monday because the training class was cancelled. You were distraught and upset and I just wanted to help. If we keep focusing on who did what or past actions then that will not help or solve anything.

You are my best friend 1st wife 2nd and lover 3rd. So I will help when I can.

She's still calling. Now she's frustrated and disappointed stating that I'm taking what she is stating the wrong way she did not mean it like that and that she really did enjoy every intimate moment she was just afraid to admit so.

She asks why cant we just take a positive experience from this date. I state to me the date was positive. You are the one who is questioning the motives of it. You are the one who stated we need to start by being positive and building with this date and how we had both admitted our faults and you are still expecting the same negative attitude. A lot of this is in your mind. I have done a lot of thinking about the way I used to be and I’m trying to change. So on our next date I hope that you can put those negative thoughts out of your head and we can have an even better date.

I finally pick up the phone and call her and stop texting. I know what’s coming next which is why I did not call her sooner. I was hurt about what she was stating and I did not want to argue.

I told her that I keep a journal of our interactions and my own feelings on this computer. That I wanted to read the entry from the date. My first sentence was pretty much was I stated at the top of my new thread. How I felt like I pushed her to OMs and chatlines due to my unintentional verbal abuse.

As soon as I read that sentence she is looking to argue. She says I’m throwing her past in her face again. I calmly let her vent and validate. I ask if I can continue reading. She’s no longer hearing me. She is just going off about feelings of guilt, how I won’t trust her again etc etc. I say nothing. I let her talk it out herself. I refused to get baited into that argument.

So finally after about 10 mins of her doing this she gets quiet. She starts asking am I even on the phone anymore. I say yes I’m here. I ask if I can continue reading my journal entry without her interrupting. She says ok.

(continued below)

I’m still calm. You see at the point of her venting I would usually get defensive and start arguing and raising her voice. I let her express her feelings. I validated and then continued reading.

I told her how I felt like in the beginning I built her up and over the past few months when I got sick and depressed I began tearing her down and lowering her self esteem.

I told her how she was right about how the way my parents can relate to each other will not work for us because I don’t like the way they talk to me either and hearing that type of arguing has made me want to get out of here as soon as possible especially when it’s indirectly directly done to me.

I just kept reading. I told her I forgave her for the infidelity and the herpes because she really did not know she had it. We found out that SD8 bio father purposely gave it to her and it had been dormant for years and did not even show up on blood tests when she had been in the hospital previously. She was carrying it but showing no symptoms.

I kept reading about how God can build and restore How I want us to wipe the slate clean. How he is a loving and forgiving God. How I strive to be more like him. How I’m not perfect and just like she’s trying to forgive me I must forgive her so that God can forgive me too. How I know God can change me and he can change her too and how we can come out of this situation wiser stronger and more committed and connected to god and each other and our families and not allow the devil to destroy our marriage. How that if I don’t change I will lose my wife forever. How we will both lose each other and that’s what the devil wants to happen. How I’m ashamed of myself for allowing this to happen.

I read about how I saw flashes of the woman I married. The woman who trusted me again. The woman who loved and trusted me with her heart. How it felt like she looked at me with forgiveness and love and how much she laughed and giggled.

I read about my thoughts of wanting to be intimate completely with her but I how I could tell she still needs space and isn’t ready for that or to come back home. How I wanted to continue go out dating and making more positive experiences.

I read about how I had lost sight of being the Christian man she had married. How I stopped going to church and reading my bible to keep myself and my family protected from the devil. I told her how I felt that I allowed the devil to almost destroy me. How he had gotten a major hold on me.

I read about how it was going going to take time for us to trust and love each other without negative thoughts and feelings. How I was tired of argueing. How if both of us put God first in our lives, minds, and hearts and are sincere he can change heal and restore us. How I was going to continue to pray and fast and almost go to my 12 week anger management class.

After I finished reading the entry, there was nothing but silence. I think she was crying but I couldn’t tell. Then she surprised me by what she said next. She apologized. She said how much of an idiot she was. She was like baby I’m so sorry. I’m so used to expecting negative that Im always expecting the worst. I’m sorry if I hurt you tonight. I am scared. It’s so hard for me to trust not just you but anyone right now. She then stated she needed to take her epilepsy medicine and then go to bed.

That’s where I should have ended the call. But I was still hurting and wanted to talk. What she said earlier was still stinging me. We got off the phone and texted a little while longer. I expressed my hurt over what was said and how it still stung a little. She told me she was sorry and we both went to bed.

James, you have so many threads going at one time that it makes it rather confusing.

just got text from WAW

"im sorry i yelled at you. and ill think about that before I talk to you. cause i know you don't need to be getting stressed out from me too. i'm sorry"

my response

"it's ok. it's going to take time to stop the negative bad habits and feelings we both have done for months. I know you did not mean it. You were probably still disappointed about the job. Just don't let it happen again (laughing).

major major 180 for me because I'd usually dwell on it and make her feel small.

we're actually having a flirty conversation about her misbehaviour and just having fun and laughing.

Today I get to relax. I'm going to do some walking and then job hunting a little later

lol this is the new thread. the other two are pretty much drama filled and irrelevant. plus they were getting too long.

This is the 2nd official thread after "keeping the faith" I needed a new thread cause I was tired of looking at the drama in the old ones.

id just like to add that it's been going on 4 days now. no OM phone calls. not alot of calls other than to family, me and SD8. not since she apologized. no chatlines. Nothing. Seems like things are improving. I'm not gonna go down those cheeseless tujnnels anymore. I'm just going to try to make things as positive. a possible. Welp time for me to go do some walking