Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Okay, so here's the scoop: Friday night we went out with friends and had a great time; we were in good moods when we got home, W later saying that this disarmed her. I asked her if she wanted rubs, she said yeah, and I suggested that we do it in the master bed. After awhile, she asked if I'd get her pillows and mouthpieces (she grinds her teeth) in case she fell asleep in the master bed, which she did. She's slept in the master every night since. She's pretty much moved back up, including setting up her little TV that she watches to fall asleep. Now she's cleared out of the guest room, my MIL is staying there while she's visiting (she slept on an air mattress last time).
W initally said that she'd decide where she'd sleep each night, but it looks like a solid permanent thing now. She's really happy about it. Later she said that she just needed to be ready. I don't know, I guess she just had to work through it.
Commented the first night that I'm still snoring pretty hard.
She also commented that things still aren't entirely back to normal... the said the next day that she's glad that things are almost back to normal.
She's as eager to get to the end of this as I am, which is good, but doesn't want to rush it, which is also good.
GREAT STUFF!!!
Last night was bad, though, we were both up with one of the boys - I took him into the doctor this morning, bad ear infection. Just got into work a little bit ago, about noon. Dead tired.
Quote: sounds like she is confused about alot of things. sounds like to me she is using things to try to make her happy. she has yet to discover she needs to find happiness within herself
Well, yes and no, KK. It's not about things really... she's one of the most frugal and non-materialistic people I know. We had to get her a new car shortly after she dropped the bomb, and then she repeatedly suggested that we sell it, because she felt guilty, because of the money, etc. etc. She does need to figure out how to get in touch with that happiness inside though. With her, it's more that she becomes frantic, needs to excercise control. This, paired with the constant mind-changing, makes her quite a tornado sometimes. Well, you've got to love her. She's a hoot.
WHAT??? THAT'S GREAT!!!! Another round of applause for you! And another round of jealousy as well .
GO BILL GO!!!! Good luck w/this. Hope your W is ready to start attacking some of those insecurities and beginning to realize that this is the REAL thing!!!
W is very happy in master bedroom - W is SLEEPING BETTER in master bedroom - W has indiciated that she's looking forward to having sex sometime soon C has indicated that I should reduce sessions to once every other week based on how well things are going I feel great - calm, relaxed, happy - feel like I'm finally HERE, present, not pushed behind some curtain of anxiety
There is NOBODY at work today - no meetings to go to, etc. Doing a lot of thinking, planning... and some time to post, too.
Well, it's been a week since my last post - what a week! Great progress, and a lot of thinking too.
First of all, Thanksgiving was great, had a great time with my W's parents and aunt / uncle.
MIL kept the kids on Sunday and we drove up to South Lake Tahoe. We had a great time - took a lake cruise, won a little bit gambling, went to see a comedy show. We had such a good time... a lot of affection, kissing - W started to give me a lot of feedback about how she likes to be kissed. I've known her six years - and now we're finally getting to this level of communication and intimacy - she can tell me how she wants me to kiss her.
Went back to the hotel, she went to take a bath and spent a LONG time in there. Came out, said that she wasn't feeling intimate and was stressed out about it.
I decided to make it okay - I started kissing her, very gently, and she got into it - after awhile - we finally did it. She was really happy afterwards - was a bit of a breakthrough for us.
Monday we went skiing and had a great time. W said that this vacation was better than our Hawaii vacation, just that we did so much fun stuff and had a great time together.
Toward the end, I said that I was going to think of this weekend as the point where I finally felt that we were back on track, and she agreed.
Since then, she's withdrawn a bit again. Not quite sure what to make of this, but if she needs space so be it.
I've had a lot of complicated thoughts about our intimate life. I've realized how dependant I am on her feedback - how closed-off she has been. When we're being intimate, in a way she just hasn't been - I don't know - completely responsive, receptive, whatever. I told C that I feel a little pissed off that all the woes of our intimate life seemed to be put on my shoulders, where I'm realizing that the reason I haven't been into it is I haven't been getting what I need from her.
C actually praised me that I FINALLY said that something W did pissed me off. SHe made me repeat it over and over again.
The other thing I'm realizing is how much of what she does I interpret as rejection. Just little things, they build up I guess - if she's distant, if she's not responsive, etc. - I think I really take it to heart, which makes me less eager to initiate intimacy and, well, less likely to even respond. Man, this whole thing is a big mind game with myself.
Stay with me, y'all - I'm not going negative on this, I'm just working through my thoughts.
So - think #1 - bend my mind around so that I don't interpret things this way. W gave me great kisses this morning, however distant she may or may not be, she still loves me, she's not rejecting me. I think the scales are falling from my eyes a bit regarding my emotional reaction to things and the reality. Plus, as my C pointed out, I've been through the rejection fire already with the thread of divorce - I can deal with this stuff.
I think it was a big breakthrough that she's communicating about what she likes - I want to build on that. I want to figure out and communicate what I like.
Thing #2 - I think that I've let her take the lead in our intimate life in a lot of ways, since she's had me so confused. That just doesn't do it for me. I need to take charge of our intimate life. I need to figure out how to engage her better - what she finds romantic, sexy, whatever - and use that to draw her out, make a comfortable, safe, appealing environment for our sex life. I need to get on my feet, get my confidence back. I think, right now, she needs that from me. PLus, if I'm so dependent on feedback, then I've got to provide the stimulus to generate feedback -
Okay, I've got more to write, but need to go now -
Okay, I'm back - lost my train of thought from yesterday (had a raging headache at the time, so I'm not even sure where I was going with it) -
Anyway, good flirting and closeness now. Woke her up with light body rubs - minor intimcay, closeness, good stuff.
Got together with my music buddy last night, some talk of forming a real band and trying to incorporate a singer - well, we just messed around really, but good to work on other elements of my life. W is encouraging this too, says it's good for us.
Well, y'all - could it be that I'm almost to the end of my DBing journey? I think it could be. Still learning a lot about myself and engaging in personal growth - keeping the faith. I am on-track, and so is my marriage.
Thank you so much for stopping by my thread. You put it all so beautifully, too.
I am thrilled at all your progress with your W, and all the tremendous work you have done on yourself.
I hope if you are coming to the end of your DBing journey (which is great!) that you will stop in now and then. You have been a great source of support, comfort and optimism to me, as well as making me laugh, moved me and inspired me with your story. Truly. Thank you, Bill.
(if you know what I mean).
