Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I'm taking off my ring April 9

I know you are, Amy, and that's because you're a good person. But my read on your "may I drive you?, etc." exchange above is that -- at this stage still, anyway -- this was all about HER feeling better.

I'll reiterate what I said to you yesterday: it's not your job to make HER feel better, about her poor decisions.

I really don't have any more high-minded way of saying this, Amy: you're still being way too nice.

Puppy

I know. I know. I know. I know... dang it all! I don't WANT to be learning this lesson. <full on 2-year-old-style temper tantrum!>

OK. deep breath. I know this is good for me.

Mantra for tonight: We are doing a trial separation. No more sudden course changes at least through my graduation (May 16). No acting married, no being wifely, no being either one's support person or partner. I can't be married with someone who isn't sure what she wants.

It may help you to reframe this: I won't be married to someone who chooses someone else over me.

Because I'm not sure you've really come to terms with that. All W's talk about not being sure is code for I don't want to have to choose--I want both of you. Unless you can verify that she is no longer in contact with OW and has definitively ended that R then you have to assume that she is still involved with OW.

Wisdom, all of this. ^



Puppy

Thanks Pearl. I revised my notes to myself...

AB, You have a choice in how you let other people treat you.

Cheers

See... This is the thing. I was struggling to make the boundaries clear and hold fast to them and suddenly W says: I want to be respectful of your feelings and respectful of you. I don't want to push you.
This is the thing we said when we first got together. 'we can never break up because only with each other will be be sure such nice people are not taken advantage of'

There's a reason I have loved being married to her for so many years.

And why it hurts to contemplate NOT being married.

But I did it! I held to the boundaries and maintained my self respect. Failed at being upbeat and positive. But... one thing at a time!

no CAKE EATING!

But it was SO HARD to drive away from that forlorn figure, standing there in the parking lot crying. I'm very conditioned to take care of her (and vice versa).

Why o why did she have to be so weak as to fall for someone else AND DECIDE TO PURSUE IT!?!?

Gotta remember that it was her choice. And now... Focus on me being AMAZING!

So here's my question now.

I said, and I'm really clear, that I can't say anything about her relationships with other people while we are acting "not married."

But I'm struggling with the whole thing where she is getting to indulge in the affair while I have to be mature and healthy and stuff.

So, I'm thinking. At our appointment next week (we decided to go ahead and schedule a couples therapy appointment for thursday).

I want to say: "I know you think you must contact the OW in order to figure out what you want. I want to know that you are figuring things out, and not indulging in a romantic relationship. So I want to ask you to ONLY be in contact with the OW in a therapist's office. Then we both know that you are working on your stuff, not having an affair."

It feels like a delicate balance between getting out of her face and space, and taking care of myself, and between obsessing over the "invader" and getting real. between none of my business and totally my business...

Wait a minute. During your big confrontation with her at your counselor back on 4/2, you said to her:



So that is where you leave it. Why are you assuming she "gets to indulge in the affair"? You've laid out clear consequences to her. She's in the process of deciding what to do about that. If you lay out new and add'l rules and strings to that, you'll only weaken your original stand, in my opinion.

Puppy

I guess I'm feeling like I was too wimpy. But I also know that what i said was true: I can't set up rules for her. On the other other hand, She didn't ask what I preferred, didn't ask what sorts of decisions would have what consequences. I guess I'm a little pissed at that. She appears to not care if we ever get back together. But she's "on drugs" (hormones etc.) so don't you think it would considerate to let her know what the consequences would be? Even if she's in too dumb a place to ask right now?

Or is that taking care of her again?

I feel like a dog chasing its tail. Round and round we go!