Wish this was FB, I could click on the "like" link-lol Good post Ruled!
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
I truly am. And I am so relieved to be able to say that.
It's not that I don't still struggle with pain and anger... there is plenty there and I am guessing I will be battling that for some time. But I am not letting those emotions control me. (at least most of the time....)
Ha... I just saw my spelling mistakes on my last post. I am working on not being a perfectionist so that is good for me.
Right now I am working on some goals for myself. This time apart has really helped me to do that... focus on me for a while. I think that is part of the reason I am doing well right now.
I am realizing I have some things to get excited about! I can do some great things for myself, no matter what happens with my M, whether my H works on himself or not... I can do these things for myself. That makes me happy.
Ruled - you still rock! Hearing your positive outlook is just what I need to hear. (I got myself into a terrible funk and I am just starting to climb out but I can feel I am on the verge of being sucked back in I am working on it.)
Still keeping the PMA going for the most part. I have made some significant changes in my perspective of my self, what I deserve, etc. There have been some real breakthroughs for me that I know will have long lasting changes. The support here, and one friend, in particular (you know who you are ) has helped me create this change for myself. I am so grateful.
My current mantra is I AM WORTH IT!
I am actually starting to believe it.
OK... so that is the good.
Current struggle for me is that all of this has helped bring to the surface the anger at my H. Now, I don't think that is a bad thing. This is helping to create the opportunity for change... in my own self perception and in my motivation/ability to set boundaries with him. That is good.
The struggle is finding healthy outlets for the anger and finding ways to process it during piecing. Sometimes the anger is so intense it leads me to thinking I am not going to keep working on this.
Yesterday, I was driving my D13 and two of her friends to the mall and something came on the radio about Sandra Bullock/Jesse James. The girls started talking about how they would never let a man cheat on them and if that ever happened they would kick him to the curb. My D13 said, "I would never take that... he would be gone."
My heart sank. My D13, who absolutely adores her dad, has no idea what he spent the last year doing. If she ever finds out she will be crushed. And what will she think of me that I took him back? What am I teaching her? My brain was going a mile a minute about all this in the middle of the night and I hardly slept.
Anyway... my H is returning from his business trip either tonight or tomorrow (there have been flight delays) and I am in this strange place emotionally. On the one hand, I am full of PMA and feeling better about myself than I have in a long time, if ever! OTOH, I am full of anger and indignation and want to tell him to take a hike until he works his own chit out and can treat me the way I deserve to be treated... if I'd even take him back then.
He told me recently that one of the things he always wanted from me that apparently I was not good at was greeting him... both on an everyday basis after work, and especially after a trip like this. Apparently OW would scream and run and jump into his arms and he told me he loved that. That is not me. But, I could make more of an effort in this area. It's just that right now with the anger that's come up... I frankly don't want to.
The struggle is finding healthy outlets for the anger and finding ways to process it during piecing. Sometimes the anger is so intense it leads me to thinking I am not going to keep working on this.
I have never felt so much anger EVER! And it is not something I know how to deal with effectively but I am learning.
RW, I hear you loud and clear. I do think you are entitled to that anger, particularly because your H has totally put you on the back burner to "deal with his own issues." Has he done anything to address the marital issues? If not, you should think about what you expect from him and lay down the boundary.
"H, I will not continue in a M where only one person is working on the R. I want and deserve a partner who is going to make this R a priority. I understand that you wanted to work on your personal issues first and I have given you time and space. However, my patience is not unlimited and I will be making decisions about my future soon."
Then continue with your PMA. Don't give him a time table but set on in your mind and see if anything changes by then.
And don't worry about what your daughter said. She's 13, things are much simpler before real life. You're teaching her (if/when she learns the truth) that M is a serious commitment and you are doing everything you can to honor that. If your H doesn't step up and do the necessary work then you show her that a woman doesn't have to settle. You move on with your life and find someone who treats you as you deserve.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Other than the day to day being home, spending time together etc.... No, he hasn't been working on the M. The focus has been on him.
It is boundary time, about that and other things. There is no doubt about it. It's time.
About my D13's comments... yeah, that doesn't feel so big in the light of day. We all thought life was black and white when we were 13. It just stirs up my concerns of what will happen if the kids do find out. But, that is not my mess to clean up and I can have a clear conscience with my kids and everyone else.
I am working on it.)
) has helped me create this change for myself. I am so grateful.
and he told me he loved that. That is not me. But, I could make more of an effort in this area. It's just that right now with the anger that's come up... I frankly don't want to.