What have I changed? I've lost weight (about 10-15lbs). I'm not sure how much I could afford to lose. I'm fairly thin now. I had to buy some new clothes. I still go shopping for new clothes about every other week, but nothing crazy. Between cycling, bagpiping, my fraternal benevolent group, and all the home improvement I'm doing, I'm pretty busy. I start golf lessons tomorrow, which is my 180. The W always wanted me to try it, but I resisted, so I'm going to see how it goes. I'm going out more, even if it by myself. So, I'm not sure what more I should be doing. I have people telling me I look great, and that I look happy.
Which is why I think the LRT will ultimately fail. Even if my W is looking at me (which she currently isn't, since I have zero physical contact with her) and thinking that I look, sound, smell great, I don't think she will pursue because it would be too much work for her. I honestly don't think she will put forth an effort, because she will be unwilling to make any changes of her own.
Wow...my case in a nutshell Ferg! My exH has even commented, "Wow, you are the BBJ I used to know and love again! I am so happy for you but so sad for me bc it didn't happen sooner...maybe this wouldn't have happened" (see how he basically blamed me for the Affair? Geesh!)
Anywhow I also had a resistant spouse just unwilling to do the self-analysis/introspection and to invest in real growth in character and integrity. So I hear ya....
Re. the golf, I love to golf, I think I would like lessons. However you said you were resistant to lessons before when W wanted you to take them...
Resistant bc of the time/money commitment, or bc you really don't love golf all that much?
Just asking bc if it was the former, then go have fun! It if were the latter, then I wouldn't do it just bc your wife wanted you to...
What have I changed? I've lost weight (about 10-15lbs). I'm not sure how much I could afford to lose. I'm fairly thin now. I had to buy some new clothes. I still go shopping for new clothes about every other week, but nothing crazy. Between cycling, bagpiping, my fraternal benevolent group, and all the home improvement I'm doing, I'm pretty busy. I start golf lessons tomorrow, which is my 180. The W always wanted me to try it, but I resisted, so I'm going to see how it goes. I'm going out more, even if it by myself. So, I'm not sure what more I should be doing. I have people telling me I look great, and that I look happy.
Which is why I think the LRT will ultimately fail. Even if my W is looking at me (which she currently isn't, since I have zero physical contact with her) and thinking that I look, sound, smell great, I don't think she will pursue because it would be too much work for her. I honestly don't think she will put forth an effort, because she will be unwilling to make any changes of her own.
Like MF, I'm not sure what I'm trying to say.
--Fergie
You trying to get inside your wife's head and assume her thoughts, that never works. Allow no contact to do what it can do, stop questioning it, in fact no contact is for you too, it will help rid you of these thoughts and insecurities and assist you in the detachment process - it's a requirement for you.
As for her not willing to make any changes on her part, your self-worth and self-esteem will rise to a point where you will know that it's her loss, not yours and at that point, that's when things change, trust me, everyone thinks like you do at the beginning of this process and then several weeks later your brain starts to think the right way again. I would say within a couple of weeks you will also be ready for some casual social interation with the opposite sex, great for your confidence and self-esteem, it will bring out the man in you, very attractive and when the word gets out that fergie is on the mend and starting to date again, your wife will start to have thoughts in her head about her decisions.
It's human nature, we only appreciate what we have when it's gone.
)Not to totally project myself on you (but I am!) ...
I know when I initially did the "LRT" it was TOTALLY to see how it would affect my H. I changed things up to see what his reaction would be. I didn't make real plans, I would go out and wander around Barnes and Noble or something for hours hoping he would miss me and wonder where I was.
You seem to be 'getting it' faster than I did...(yeah it took me almost 2 years! )
Just change things about you that YOU want different, whether they are things she likes or not. And if you don't think you have a lot to change at this point, then enjoy being you and ulitmately you WILL see that it is HER loss....didn't you say other people are already noticing how much better you seem to be doing?
I'm asking about change because something obviously wasn't working before. If you keep doing more of the same then you can expect more of the same results. It's all well and good to think you're fine the way you are and you don't need to improve yourself. Just don't expect anything to change with your W. She knows what she left. If she sees exactly the same thing then there's no reason for her to wonder if she made a mistake.
No, I'm not advocating making changes solely to win back your WAS. I think this is a time for self reflection and an opportunity to make positive changes. If not now, when?
Ultimately you have to be happy with who you are and you should only make changes for your own personal benefit. I just think it's indicative of your mindset if you're not willing to try something new.
Golf is a great example. It's something you didn't want to try before but now you're willing to give it a shot. But are you doing it because you have an interest or are you doing it simply because W wanted you to do it before? Losing weight does not count. I'd guess 99% of people here lose weight due to their sitch. Going out more is good if you were a homebody before.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
It's human nature, we only appreciate what we have when it's gone.
My H tells me this too. H says that that is why maybe we should get a legal S so that he can see what it's like without me.
that's fine just as long as he knows that when you're gone and he realizes this and wants you back, it won't be his decision, you'll have to consult with your boyfriend and ask him how he feels about your husband's "awakening" ;-)
I had a response, but I just erased. I think I am probably in too snippy of a mood. I'll rewrite later. I'm just distracted with Mindfull's sitch right now.
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