He doesn't want to discuss it because it is morally indefensible not to choose to work on something and say his "feelings" are in charge.....
Yes... thankyou for opening my eyes to this.
Originally Posted By: rr22
Really how hard is it to try a year or two of MC so as not to abandon a wife and child? It may not work anyway, but you could at least give it a try...
That's the bit that keeps me shaking my head in disbelief. But how many times can you ask? Once, twice, a thousand times?
You are not a good father. You have participated not a bit really, had an affair, and are complaining about making a call for one parenting class. This is not goign to work for me. Obviously I will be solely responsible once you leave for Europe. Sorry you are having a rough time in your life right now, but I need to look out for best interests of self and child. We will work out child support payments through usual legal channels. I don't have to pretend you are providing father support that you aren't. Please stay away from hospital as I will be ill and it could imperil health of me and baby. We will revisit over the next two years, with counseling appointments attended together in America, what, if any, your contact with the child you have chosen to physically and emotionally abandon will be. Hope you feel better and get your life in order
Bless you rr22 (and I'm not religious either)..with your and Allen's advice, I might construct the perfect email to WAH yet! Will work on it and post here before sending.
It causes children pain to have fathers come and go randomly over time... It builds a child's expectations up to have them dashed over and over. Might be better to replace him as an H before child turns 4 and if he ever wants to randomly visit, treat him like an uncle or like adoptees do-- casually the "bio father." It's dangerous for children to have these men in their lives who schedule with them, then cancel, and play games. The children take it personally and it wounds them deeply. I would insist on more than one parenting class before he got regular access if I were you.
Completely agree rr22. My father did it to my brother and I, and my brother was deeply affected by this. Dad 'came good' later on, and we are very close now. H's Dad first showed up for an afternoon when H was 6 yrs old. Taught him how to play chess. H thought he was God. Next meeting at 18 or so, he realised his Dad was a jerk. But that's 12 years of wasted idolisation --and consequent rejection of his Mum.
Funny hey, H had been doing quite a bit of rejecting if me in recent years. I often likened it to how he treated his mum, but just put up with it... And his mum IS difficult and very needy.
Thanks again for making me think about these boundaries I need to set.
as a general rule, don't share as opposed to sharing. Talk about other things... .... Without even coming straight out and saying "don't talk about me," I think if you don't talk about WH in front of the bro, it would be implied.
I get it... keep it dignified.
Originally Posted By: gatsby11
I went to my first birthing class yesterday and I felt a sort of freedom not having to worry about what he thinks and his fears.... For me, it's liberating. Not sure how it might be for you.
Have done all my classes now and the ONE time I didn't enjoy the class was the time I invited H & that was for precisely the reasons you mention. Who'd you take instead?
I suspect he is gung ho about being a great dad, tell him he's already a TERRIBLE one and turf him out the door.
I would need to read more carefully, but I did want to toss my first impressions out to you. These are only first impressions until I get to read more.
I think shaming him as a bad father may wake him up a bit. And replacing him with a good friend to support your pregnancy and everything will give him an additional kick in the nuts that he needs to get out of the fog.
I don't think it's shaming to point out reality. You are not a good father. You ahve participated not a bit really, had an affair, and are complaining about making a call for one parenting class. This is not goign to work for me. Obviously I will be solely responsible once you leave for Europe. Sorry you are having a rough time in your life right now, but I need to look out for best interests of self and child. We will work out child support payments through usual legal channels. I don't have to pretend you are providing father support that you aren't. Please stay away from hospital as I will be ill and it could imperil health of me and baby. We will revisit over the next two years, with counseling appointments attended together in America, what, if any, your contact with the child you have chosen to physically and emotionally abandon will be. Hope you feel better and get your life in order.
This was me. I warn you in advance, I am a hardliner, I do NOT beleive in CODDLING a wayward back home when they are addicted to a viscious affair. This just makes the LBS VERY ILL.
And you piano are in NO POSITION to be diong ANYTHING that affects YOUR PHYSICAL self right in a bad way.
My suggestion is to write him a letter that tells him exactly what you think he's diong and to cut him oFF.
He's jerking you around and you don't NEED that right now. YOu are much better off NOT contacting him.
And have a friend with you at ALL times to run interference if he DOES try to contact you are show up at yoru doorstep.
Contact a lawyer to confirm where you stand so you understand how hard you can push.
Never mind what he says, he's wayward and in an affair, what he says is worth ZERO. It's what he's DOING that you gauge. And he's DOING NOTHING but DAMAGE.
CUt him off and draft a good solid letter telling him to not contact you and that he's a terrible father already. I do NOT agree with the DB coach that you should be coddling him. I did that with my wife for a year and her affair just got WORSE (and my db coach at hte time gave me the same advice as you got).
I strongly think that this man needs to be told how terrible a father he is. AND he IS a terrible father. Fatherhood has ALREADY started... and he's CRAP at it... take the warning. He will just dissappoint this child by making false promises and offering dissappointment.
I am not suggesting you push for a divorce at all. I am suggesting you protect yourself and your baby and CUT HIM OUT of your LIVES until he grows up. Often this can be a VERY HARD wake up call to them.
I suspect this may shake him up a bit. But right now ANY CONTACT with him is just going to UPSET you and you do NOT NEED that ESPECIALLY right NOW.
Piano, I'll peek back in sometime. Good luck to you. Don't bother looking for my thread. It's kind of dead and I rarely post because my sitch stays the same. But my friends have had walkaway fathers that messed with their minds, so I now have strong opinions about the damage that causes. That's why your thread caught my attention. Also, because you seem to be feeling guilty when you should be attempting to keep yourself focussed on your health and mental health in preparation for birth and tiredness of the first months after birth. Good luck!
Allen A: I am not suggesting you push for a divorce at all. I am suggesting you protect yourself and your baby and CUT HIM OUT of your LIVES until he grows up.
I agree. Take focus off him. If he stays around or comes back fixed later, you can keep the door open if you want. But participating in his melodrama now is not healthy for pregnancy and baby. Gets too many stress chemicals flowing. Allow yourself to backburner this fool for five months.
