Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Proper way to issue an ultimatum?

One of the EAs stopped ("ran it's course") before this D Day. The other was ended the next day. So he's not in any EAs and hasn't been since D day (I don't think). The problem is that it's been over 2 months since D day/he got kicked out of the house, and he still hasn't gone to IC. I told him I was willing to "discuss the possiblity of our M" if he was in IC. Not thinking about going, not talking about going, but actively going.

He has seen all along he plans to go but is "stuggling to get to the poing where he's going for himself". I'm just getting more resentful and tired each day. He has/is making gestures toward me, but NOT DOING THE ONE THING I TOLD HIM I REQUIRED.

(We don't have children.)

Thanks

Puppy I used some of your wording from above in a text w my H today. Some of his texts (I'm cross posting this):

"I'm ready to help myself but I don't know if that means be your husband. I am just now starting to be able to think about things with some sense of perspective. And not just make the easy decision or the selfish one."

"I don't want to keep you in limbo. It's just that I can't force myself to make these decisions and learn or understand or see what I need to do. They have to happen. And I know you may be gone by the time they do. And maybe that will be what I want and maybe it won't but I can't keep you in limbo and I can't rush these decisons before I truly understand them so that's where I'm at--upside down".

Thoughts? Suggestions? Insight? Thanks.

I would reply

"I just felt you should know. Do what you feel you must do, and I will do the same. I do hope you will hurry, because although I love you and don't want a divorce, my patience is not without limits."

Or some such.

Puppy

^^^^^
Puppy,
I'm going to be using this wording soon (THANKS!). I do not like how he keeps saying "he is keeping me in limbo". I'M making my decisions right now. I can walk away at any time. I'd like to point this out to him to clarify. It makes me feel powerless (which I'm not) to agree that "He's keeping me in limbo".

Is it ok to point this out? If so any suggestions?

Can't thank you enough.

I would just go w/ Puppy's first statement...less is better I believe...

I def like where your head is at, and I believe that your proposed statement is spot on...I may be off base in suggesting you do not use it, so ask around.

In my experience, the more I postured (from truth and fact), the more my WAS dug her heels in...that may be the case here as well...

"my patience is not w/o limits" is factual and suggestive...it doesn't come across as threatening- which is what I believe WAH will think of if you say "I can walk away at any time."

just my opinion

(Cross posting)

I have a question about seeing other people. On D Day 9 weeks ago, H and I agreed not to. Shortly thereafter, I said I was willing to "look at possibility of staying M if he was in IC". Nine weeks later he is still not in IC and we have not established whether we are working on M or not. We visit a couple of times/week, though I have recently decided to go pretty dim and not see him during the week unless he spends weekend time w me as well.

I have been thinking (ONLY THINKING) about casually dating. Due to an incident I won't bother to explain here, I can tell that my H thinks the possibility of me dating is absurd, and that there's no chance I'm doing that, and if I were it would be a big secret.

I'm very close to (how close?) doing this if I want to regardless of what he thinks. Apparently he isn't realistic about this.

What obligations do I have to make him aware of 1) what I'm
thinking now and/or 2)IF I decide to date?

THANKS

AMG,

I don't think you have any obligation to let him know what you're THINKING. I also don't believe you're under a moral obligation to let him know if you're going to date, if HE is having an affair, lying to you about it, and actively moving (as in filing), or if YOU have filed, to end the marriage. Some people decide, morally and ethically, that so long as they are still married, they won't do this, and others only maintain that stance up until a certain point -- when they are "done" -- and they begin to move on. Many reach that point when a divorce is FILED, but not yet COMPLETED. That's something only you can answer for yourself, in your own conscience and belief system.

So you really don't need to say ANYTHING, since your husband still isn't being faithful (I assume), and still isn't being honest with you. However, I would still suggest you be forthright about this, and I'd do it in the form of "goin' Robx" on him, like:

"(Husband), I've been thinking, and I've decided that this really isn't working for me. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with ME, in a committed and monogamous and transparent way, and you're obviously not ready to commit to that, by your recent actions and indecision. I think we should each get some legal advice, and I've also decided to begin dating other people. Although you haven't really been honest with ME, as a courtesy, I wanted to let you know."

I think it's important however, AMG, that you do NOT do this just to get a "rise" out of him -- this has to be what you really decided. And I'm sure others will post that for THAT VERY REASON, you SHOULDN'T even tell him, and you should just DO it, and I'm not even so sure that I disagree with that.

This subject (dating other people) is one that, like filing for S or D, sadly WORKS, but then you're left with the position of "Great -- so the only way I can get my spouse's attention is if I date other people, and file for divorce????"

Puppy

Thanks Puppy. This is a lot to think about. My H has not been seeing anyone since D Day that I know of. I'm not sure if that changes the situation or not. I appreciate you help. (I don't really feel done with H, but am very bored at this point. I never realized boredom could be such a serious problem!).

THANKS

Boredom.....Nothing exciting to look forward to...

Check out meetup.com. newmama has had some fun with groups she found there.

[]I'd like to point this out to him to clarify. It makes me feel powerless (which I'm not) to agree that "He's keeping me in limbo".
[/]

Maybe... next time he says something like this, just straighten him out with "I am not in limbo! I threw you out remember?!"