Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Faith without works... (my new thread)

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804070#Post1804070

old thread up above

I decided it was time for a new thread. Trying to leave the drama behind me.

Let me start off by saying that I respect a lot of posters on here. I appreciate all the help hugs kind words and advice.

I believe that I need to go semi dark and grey. Here’s why. Here’s what has occurred. Over the past month my WAW has said a lot of things to me.

I don’t listen.
She’s tired of argueing.
She doesn’t feel like I’ll ever forgive her
I keep throwing things in her face
I wasn’t romantic with her or complimenting.
Etc etc etc

I believe I pushed my WAW right into the arms of chatlines and other men with UNINTENTIONAL VERBAL ABUSE. I realized that by having conversations with my own parents. The negativity. The argueing and screaming at me and each other. They have been married for over 35 years, but it’s always the blame game. It has made me not want to be here after just a week. So I now understand how WAW feels. I asked myself am I really this way? Do I want to continue to be this way? Is this how I want my relationship to be? Don’t get me wrong it WORKS FOR MY PARENTS but it does NOT WORK FOR WAW and I have had to adjust my approach.

I will probably get more 2x4s for alot of stuff but let's start from what has occured over the past 28 hours.

First I did the affair busting. I mean I texted every single guy and told them my w was married with 3 kids and about the herpes she gave me.

I got a few replies back. Some didn’t. WAW was extremely upset. I didn’t care. Not only was I affair busting but I felt they had a right to know. Unlike me.

Around 10 a.m. yesterday, WAW turned off her phone. Totally. Straight to voicemail. Then the texts and phone calls began and voicemails. Angry, Upset, Irate, and then finally acceptance. I didn’t answer a single call or text. Nothing. Zip. Nada.

I’m getting ready for my job interview. She is still leaving text messages crying. I still don’t answer. She says she really needs to talk to me is crying her head off and texting and calling like crazy. She said she really really really needs to talk to me and is crying in a way I’ve never seen her before. An unmanipulative way. I finally pick up. I’m almost at my job interview and my mother is in the car.

She states that she does not know what she is doing anymore. That she needs help. I just listen. Say much of nothing. The only reason I answered is because I could tell she was on the verge of having a seizure and I wanted to calm her down.

We began talking. She expressed herself. I did most of it. I told her how I felt about the OMS. I told her how I felt about her giving them things she had not given me recently. I explained about my parents. She agreed that it won’t work for us and was a major major reason for her leaving. She stated she was so tired of us argueing. She was tired of feeling like she was an awful mother and wife. She said she hated feeling that way. I told her exactly what I felt about OMs again. We began reading our bibles together. She said my tone of voice was condescending like parents again. I apologized and we read more bible verses. About God’s role for each of us in our M.

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She asks me what I want to do. I say I want to work out M. That I still love her. She says she doesn’t think so and that I’ll never trust her again. I state time, patience, love, God and counseling can fix anything.

She says she doesn’t think I can change. That’ll be more of the same. She also admits everything she has done WRONG. She is like I’m am so freaking sorry for hurting you. For being with OMs. For the herpes. For not loving you hard enough. For mistreating you. I don’t think I can come home. You will never look at me the same again. I tell her neither one of us will look at each other same. We just have to grown and learn from our mistakes and how to be a happy loving family again.

I tell her I have to forgive. I have to try to trust and we owe it to God ourselves and the kids to do better.

She asks me what I want to do again. I say we need to make more happy memories to erase the bad memories. She says ok so you want to date? I say sure. I’m thinking she’s bluffing and it’s more game playing.



I ask her where she wants to go. She says you plan it. You’re the man. You’re supposed to be the leader. I say fine. I set up a day of fun for us.

First I have to take a drug test for the job for thing in the morning for preemployment. The interview went very well. So now just the background drug screen and the company will look at my resume. The temporary service things I’d be a good fit. So that WENT WELL!!!! Hopefully I have a job soon. Ill just pray about it.

First I suggest MC and she agreed but then later said she’s not ready for that yet.

Well the day of fun set up was us having breakfast together (after I take drug test) and then bowling and then Lunch. I tell her the plans. She says that sounds like fun. I end the call first.

She calls back later and we watch one of our favorite tv shows over the phone together. Then I got to sleep. I had a few texts and calls after I had went to bed. She had never done that recently because she was on phone with OMS. Shockingly I was the one she wanted to talk to but I was sleep. I just later told her I was busy.

So I get up first thing in the morning and ride with my father to the bus stop (our bus and train system is EXCELLENT IN THIS CITY but where I live it does not run in my suburb which is frustrating) I go take drug test.

I respond to her text from last night stating I”ll be done with drug test soon.

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She texts me saying she just woke up and do I still want to meet because some of my paperwork at drug test got screwed up and it’s delayed. I’m kinda ticked off because I’m trying to not piss right then and there and have to wait but finally the paperwork is faxed over to the lab so I can take drug test.

I have to wait about an hour and a half for WAW to get dressed and meet me at location. She calls me and says she can’t find me. I step out in my new clothes and having lost maybe 10 to 15 pounds from last week from eating healthier and walking. She is dressed stunningly. She says I look handsome. I say she looks sexy.

Then she asks me if I like her outfit. I tell her I do. She said “yesterday on the phone you told me how me doing all these nice things for OMs and taking pics in lingerie and outfits was disrespectful and I agree. So this is YOUR OUTFIT. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I’VE WORN IT AND I WORE IT JUST FOR YOU AND BECAUSE IT’S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR”

I am literally jaw dropped. We hug and she plants a huge kiss on me. Then we get on the bus. We skip breakfast cause it’s getting late and decide to go to the bowling alley. She’s just talking to me. Confiding in me. Telling me things I never knew. Telling me her thoughts. Her feelings. What has been going on with SD8 and that particular case. She’s looking at me. Talking to me. Smiling. There’s no rage or disappointment in her eyes. I don’t see any hurt. I just see her smiling.

When the date first started I got a phone call from a female friend of mine who is very near and dear to me and is also related to SD8. She’s been there for me through all of this and there’s nothing funny going on. We just talk on the phone and she gives me advice from a woman’s perspective.

Well I tell her I’m on date with WAW and WAW actually gets JEALOUS. She asks who it is and names a few people in our family and I say no. She just says whatever and laughs and we go on to the bowling date. the date.


We walk to the bowling alley and hold hands and lock arms. It meant so much. Then I pay for the bowling shoes and hour lane rental. Then we hold hands and kiss. A long passionate one. She embraces me tightly. I whisper into her ear how pretty and beautiful she looks and she blushes and starts giggling.

I ask her if I still make her blush and she’s like you haven’t made me blush like this in months. So then we bowl and have a great time. Neither one of us had ever bowled together. The only dates we ever had were eating. So this was a 180 and something different. We both like bowling though.

I’m snapping pictures and she’s blushing. We’re laughing and joking and being playful.
Even some intimate flirting and talk but nothing vulgar.

Then after that we get in the cab and go to lunch. She says she’s tired from the bowling and can we take a cab cause where we’re going isn’t too far. I say you’ve gotten spoiled! She says well one thing I can say is that you’ve always spoiled me. It’s all your fault and and smiles and we both start laughing.

She holds my hand I hold hers. She asks me if I’m ok and if the bowling pushed me too far healthwise. I tell her I’m ok.

(continued down below to keep from being so long)

We sit down and order and eat. She’s playfully touching my feet. We feed each other our meals and drinks. We both chose a slightly alcoholic beverage. We’re talking and laughing and joking.

We feed each other some more and then leave taking our food with us. We hug and kiss consistently while we wait on the bus and the passion is greater than I’ve ever felt with her. She says the same. She tells me how much she has enjoyed today. How she sees how things can go when we have fun and enjoy each other.

Then we get on the bus and we’re both pretty sleepy. We get to the train and she lays her head on my shoulder and falls asleep.

We get to where we finally have to part ways (about six hours have passed) and she asks me what is in my back pack.

I smile and hand her her bible. I also give her 3 red roses (her favorite color) a red and white teddy bear a red outfit for her to lounge in at her place and some money to tie her over since she starts her new job next week and she’s pretty much been struggling with food and paying for the bus (she cannot drive due to her epilepsy).

She hugs me and kisses me passionately and runs to catch her bus packing up everything with her. I immediately get text messages saying how much fun she has had today. How much she enjoyed my company. How she enjoyed just ONE DAY OF US NOT ARGUEING OR POINTING FINGERS OR PLAYING THE BLAME GAME.

She calls me consitently and I don’t answer. Don’t want to seem desperate or too available. I wait til I get home after my father picks me up from the train station and head back home. I wait 2 hours from that point to respond to her texts and calls.

We start laughing and joking again. Talking about the day. Laughing at how goofy we both were. How much fun we had. Not once did we really talk about the R. I didn’t pressure her to come home or say anything about it.

The thing is I checked the call history over the past 24 hours and there has not been a single call to any OM whatsoever. Not one. Just me (consistently) and my SILs and nothing else.

She said she had too much time on her hands as well. She said she needed to get refocused on what mattered the most and smiled at me and brought up the kids.

I don’t know what’s going to happen now but I’m taking it one day at a time. With my life with my wife and with my health. That’s all I can do. I can’t rush it. I can’t be impatient. Our situation didn’t become like this overnight and it’s not gonna change overnight either.

I’m enrolled in a 12 week anger management program and WAW smiled. Just found out ill be in it with my therapist today. She said it would really be a good thing. I know my temper has been out of control due to the diabetes and sickness but I need to work on this too.

The yelling and screaming at each other needs to stop permanently before it escalates like it has like 3 or 4 times in our M. Both parties guilty of it.

So did I mess up? Will there be 2x4s?

What is the next step? I’ve set up doctor’s appointments. Still applying for jobs. Still getting healthy. Sticking to my goals. But it seems as though a lot of the anger that me and WAW had been holding inside of each other for months due to both of us being sick, both pointing fingers, the stress of both of us losing our jobs our old townhome and even SD8, and having no money for a long time, and a lot of other stuff has finally stopped boiling over.

Healthwise I’m improving. The job situation is looking up. Emotionally I’m not as angry but I’m still going to counseling and the anger management therapy.

There were a few times where I know waw intentionally tested me with bait to see if I would get upset or go off. I bypassed it cause I knew she wanted to see if I would still blow my stack and start the verbal abuse and ruin our day and it did not happen cause I refused to let yesterday or the day before affect today.

She was actually glowing when she left my presence today. She still talks about TODAY whenever we talk. We both do. We are trying to plan another date. Probably a picnic at the lake. That’s what I suggested she agreed. But we’ll just see and take it one day at a time.

RESET THE CLOCK, James.

You couldn't even go 48 hours.

NO CONTACT MEANS NO CONTACT!!!

Puppy

James, you keep making the same mistakes over and over (and over, and over) again that it's not even worth the effort of a 2x4.

Puppy

at least someone said it,
good luck james

can u at least read what happened PDT? it was NOT MORE OF THE SAME OR A BAD EXPERIENCE.

I have to listen to my WAW too right and 180 some things?

not every sitch is the freaking same. How was today as mistake when good things happened in a positive manner?

there is no OM anymore. none of them. They have been successfully busted. No more chatline. None of that.

I've lost 15 pounds over the past week.
I've found out a few health issues and gotten a few resolved (left contact has eye at 20/20 vision)
I have a few really really great job leads.
I'm eating healthier
I'm doing my counseling therapy and anger management
I'm not longer needy begging crying etc etc etc.

I stopped it.

I'm also applying techniques i'm learning in therapy and my IC as well.

So now she's more open she's confiding she wants to try to trust again and I should go dark? how does that fix it?

H i'm want to go to MC and us talk work on R.

NOooooooooooooooooo! let's go dark.

get yourself some valtrex before you get really pissed off.