Piano: It's like he cannot face the emotional/psychological impact of his poor decisions at all!
Cannot or willnot.
And I think it's 2 AND 3. Anyone can get a crush at any time and blow it up to "love"-- it's very convenient that this magical crush happened right when a large responsibility he wants no part of came on. The fact is he created an escape from fatherhood and says he plans to deal with his guilt about that by writing you a check. At this point, you should hope he does help you financially.
Whether or not he's wounded, he did have the choice not to make you pregnant and the responsibility to know himself better (that he likely couldn't handle it) before he chose to do so. Even most accidental pregnancies could ahve been avoided. I don't know your sitch. Maybe yours was planned. If so, this is even worse.
I hope you find closure with this situation. I don't see how it is good for someone experiences the stresses of being a young mother to try to "fix" a messed up, wounded person on the side, even if you love him. You only have so many personal resources. You may need to conserve them for you.
I mean you can keep DBing and all and validating, but you're kind of at a scary point right now in your life. Your resentment could get better, or it could just grow. Hard to say.
Hope you get some rest this week. Sorry you are goign through this. No one deserves this type of thing.
Piano: - I desperately want to tell him I cannot be friends, let alone best friends with him after the destruction he has brought on me and his unborn child. I feel like I will never live with myself If I don’t say this.
You do not have to stay his best friend. That is a common WAH fantasy to keep being loved and trusted by those they have so wounded and fundamentally betrayed. You likely would not stay friends with a female friend who had treatd you this way. You cannot change your nature to suit his emotional needs. All the sons of the messed up cheating dads want to be told they're not the same when they act the same. Sorry guys. Live your own fantasy and take your consequences. You're adults.
Piano: -I think he has had a sort of breakdown due to numerous major life changes (on job front – now unemployed, health, moving countries, becoming a Dad..the list goes on) and he complicated it by having a PA with family friend.
I think WAH pressed the self-destruct button on our M and Fatherhood, and has opted for an easy exit down the path of being “in love” and no responsibility.
The above all sounds true. Stress leading to overwhelm and "solution" through "crush= fantasy love" and flight from responsibility of real life.
I suspect he is gung ho about being a great dad, tell him he's already a TERRIBLE one and turf him out the door.
I would need to read more carefully, but I did want to toss my first impressions out to you. These are only first impressions until I get to read more.
I think shaming him as a bad father may wake him up a bit. And replacing him with a good friend to support your pregnancy and everything will give him an additional kick in the nuts that he needs to get out of the fog.
I don't think it's shaming to point out reality. You are not a good father. You ahve participated not a bit really, had an affair, and are complaining about making a call for one parenting class. This is not goign to work for me. Obviously I will be solely responsible once you leave for Europe. Sorry you are having a rough time in your life right now, but I need to look out for best interests of self and child. We will work out child support payments through usual legal channels. I don't have to pretend you are providing father support that you aren't. Please stay away from hospital as I will be ill and it could imperil health of me and baby. We will revisit over the next two years, with counseling appointments attended together in America, what, if any, your contact with the child you have chosen to physically and emotionally abandon will be. Hope you feel better and get your life in order.
I know that H was not always happy, and I probably didn't do enough to acknowledge this and make changes that I needed to make. I needed to be stronger, more independent, more loving.
When I questioned H further about the IC statement, he said that delving into our M's problems was really not worth going into and that it would only hurt me unnecessarily.
I think you are onto something rr22. Of course he's free to open his mouth and give an explanation, but he doesn't want to.
I have just remembered what he told me after his first GP consult post Bomb: "The doctor said there is no evil doer in this story, and no victim. It's simply a family tragedy".
Piano: I know that H was not always happy, and I probably didn't do enough to acknowledge this and make changes that I needed to make. I needed to be stronger, more independent, more loving.
Every person in a marriage could say this about themselves. Every person in a marriage could fix this if both people would try. He won't let you try even though he chose to impregnate you.
H went to IC to demonize you and gain support to alleviate his guilt about fleeing. He got what he paid for in several sessions and is using it as fuel to flee. I'm sorry if this sounds like a 2X4. But how abusively crazy were you? Probably not so much.
He doesn't want to discuss it because it is morally indefensible not to choose to work on something and say his "feelings" are in charge. He chose fantasy love to get out of life's pressures. Lots of people do. Then they go to therapy for a few sessions to have the IC tell them "follow their bliss" and "you are a good person" and "how could you know this would happen to you" and "sometimes these things just happen." Him: see, I KNEW I needed to follow my bliss? Esp. when raising a child right now would be so much more of a hassle. Hopefully I can just cut a check and get out of the country quick. That makes me feel bad. Well, IC said I need to "take care of me." On and on and on...
Lack of responsibility is big in IC. We are all victims of our upbringing supposedly unwittingly being batted about on the sea of chance. No. We have free will and we can make choices. When we choose not to, we PAY IC for a get-out-of-jail free guilt card.
If he went to a religious counselor, (and I'm not religious), he would have been told something completely different: Yes, you are the victim of you childhood family tragedy but you can both find happiness and not repeat it in your own child's life. He sought out the answer he was looking for, paid for it, and got it.
Really how hard is it to try a year or two of MC so as not to abandon a wife and child? It may not work anyway, but you could at least give it a try...
My last somewhat reactionary comment of the morning is you should think long and hard if you want this guy floating in and out of your son's life. It causes children pain to have fathers come and go randomly over time. This has happened to friends of mine with great consequences that played out in their adult lives. It builds a child's expectations up to have them dashed over and over. Might be better to replace him as an H before child turns 4 and if he ever wants to randomly visit, treat him like an uncle or like adoptees do-- casually the "bio father." It's dangerous for children to have these men in their lives who schedule with them, then cancel, and play games. The children take it personally and it wounds them deeply. I would insist on more than one parenting class before he got regular access if I were you.
Sorry if this sounds like a 2X4. Just personal experience of close friends. I know it sounds harsh and sad. But some of these problems can be very great and real for the children.
it's very convenient that this magical crush happened right when a large responsibility he wants no part of came on. The fact is he created an escape from fatherhood and says he plans to deal with his guilt about that by writing you a check. At this point, you should hope he does help you financially.
Whether or not he's wounded, he did have the choice not to make you pregnant and the responsibility to know himself better (that he likely couldn't handle it) before he chose to do so. Even most accidental pregnancies could ahve been avoided. I don't know your sitch. Maybe yours was planned. If so, this is even worse.
All of this. Pregnancy was planned. 12 months of trying then got lucky with first round of fertility treatment. I was the one who was not clucky - he helped me through MY fears
Well then, all the worse if he knew and helped to that extent. NO "love" is that great. "Love" is an excuse and an escape route. We can fall in love and stay in love with many people over a lifetime. Your thread also mentioned that it is dubious that this weird R of his will even work out. It's just escape. He may not even know it. He may be defended against realizing it because he needs it as a ticket for escape and to defend his view of himself as Good Guy, Not Like His Dad.
Good luck with this. I'm sure you will be a great Mom and your baby will be healthy and happy. Luckily you are in a position to make sure the child experience much less of the pain of this that you have had to bear and suffer ahead of time.
