Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis MLC Saga, contd...

He will not deal with his issues if an ow is present.

Sounds like your H is depressed. So far the things he is saying sound like typical MLC script.

This will take more patience than most people have. What helps is to detach from your H's drama. It gives him space and you a chance to work on you and your issues and to figure out what it is that YOU want.

What you do with this time is up to you. Some LBS's become angry and bitter where others come to view it as a gift. The choice is yours.

Hang in there. We're all here for each other. (((Hugs)))

This time around the hurt and the anger have got a good hold on me, since there has been so much lying and pretense involved. I had gotten over the internet affair much easier as I didn't know the person or any details about the A. This time I know the OW and worst of all some gorey details that she has communicated to friends about the A. I feel betrayed by my H and used by a lowlife OW. I feel like a fool for being so trusting...This is the hard part for me...to overcome this anger...OW had been entertaining ideas to leave her H and kids and run away with my H...For me, H has been the center of my life for over 25 years...for her a H is a commodity...

So I am afraid I will need time to process all this anger and I don't know what effect this will have in the long run with H getting out of the tunnel, as it seems that my anger seems to be pushing him back in. It's what I have read in other posts, after the revelation of the A, WH expects LBS to skip over it and accept back WH as A never happened. When I did this in the beginning, H had warmed up to me or so I thought...I Know I am not supposed to mention OW, but I just haven't been able to control myself under the circumstances...I am only human after all...

Thanks for the hugs SA, God Bless you

I see you have been registered since July, I assume you have read the MLC resources. If you need them I can put them on your thread.

Sorry you are here but this is now the time to work on you.
You are getting good advice.

Become as knowledgeable about MLC as you can.

Thanks OP, I sure have. They have been such a valuable reference source...All of you guys here have been such great help for me also, a lifeline I would say...I have gained so much knowledge from your experience, you have helped a lot in my understanding of the MLC puzzle... It's the application of this knowledge I am having trouble with though...So I will need your guidance to put the theory into practice...

Putting it into practice…

That is the hard part isn’t it?

So where to start?

The OW could be present from anger right on through withdrawl…or not…

Forget the stages…

I say that in terms of trying to see how long this might continue…

Or guessing where he is…

Many of us could give you an idea of where he may be, but that is today and could change tomorrow…

There are estimates, there are timelines, but the reality is that there are no real ways to guage this. It depends on him, his issues, you and your issues…

Right now your biggest issue is OW.

So what is it that you are angry about?

Is it the actual affair, the lies, because she was your friend, because you don’t know if it is over, or the fact that he gets upset when you talk about it?

Of course he gets upset when you talk about it, because he feels that you will always hold it over his head. You are making him wear his sin like a big red A in the Scarlett Letter.

Affairs are not easy to get over. You have to decide if you can let it go…before you do much else…

Acting “as if” doesn’t work in this case, I think you have already learned that.

If you can’t, all of the DBing in the world is not going to help. If you can, we are all here to support you.

Yes, you are only human. You will become stronger each time you can hold your tongue. I get just as angry as you, and I feel your anger right now. It`s real. How can you over anger?

Set goals, the next time you talk to H, try not to mention ow. If you slip, try again, but remember how bringing her up makes everybody feel. You`re doing great by NC, that is hard for most of us.

I know how feeling like a fool feels like. It`s not foolish to love and trust your own H. Good wives do that, and that is something these WAS are foolish to lose.

Celestial

For all of the above and more, Cat...

If there was anything I complained about to my H about our R was the lack of emotional intimacy on his part, which affected the physical intimacy on my part...I felt lonely for years...So instead of him trying to come closer to me, he develops EA and then PA with a slut. All the long hours that I was alone waiting for him to come home from work, he was spending with her. Sharing with her private info about me and our life together. Yuk.

Angry that the slut took advantage of him being so desperate and needy and used him. You see, the first time he entered MLC she was a witness of that and it was then that the door was opened to her. She "volunteered" then to help by talking to him about seeing a C that she was seeing..and she started calling H, and that's how she "befriended" him. She had always been "lurking" after that for the right moment. The "friendship" became EA and eventually PA.

The disgusting thing is that this wasn't the first time she has pulled this with a friend's husband. She's done the same thing with another friend of hers when that friend had problems with her M. She "volunteered" her help there too, but she was unlucky in that case because that H was already involved with someone else..So, you see? She is not just another ow, she is She-Devil. I honestly feel I have been dealing with Satan himself here. She has problems with her M also, but she is escaping by interfering in other peoples' lives and preying on whatever she can.

I am angry with me also, because I was too naive in this whole thing.

I am angry that they have both been acting like I am the one who has a problem with this A, that I have really overstressed its significance. WTH? I should apologise now?

When I confronted the SheDevil, she admitted that regardless of the A with her, H was still very unhappy...which made me feel sorry for him...I have been losing my mind here...

Thanks for your advice Celestial..

I read the update of your sitch and I am sorry that things didn't work out for you. You do sound a strong woman though and I am sure you are off for better days from now on...

I know I am not supposed to mention ow, it's just that I have had the need to make sense of all of this, as in the case of this ow, to say that my husband has "afaired down" is an understatement...in all respects. It has made me even feel sorry for how low he has fallen. I can only justify one thing that may have attracted him to her: she is matching his present state of juvenile behavior. Before his MLC, he wouldn't have even so much as looked at her.

I do intend to avoid talking about her next time I talk/see him though, because I am tired of this impasse.

Elfie
Good for you, do it for you. The first time you actually get through a visit without bringing her up, it will empower you to try again.

Have you considered C to help you with your anger?

Celestial