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I think it is quite true that you may not know just how unhappy or disfunctional your marriage was until you are out of it. I did know I was unhappy, but I didn't really have anything to compare it to.

Now that I am in a truly good and happy R, for almost a year now, I am in awe almost every day of how I had no clue how things we supposed to be...

Buffet,Iaryou.I myself realize now that I had kind of settled into that - to me - ultimate form of happiness: contentment. Content in being just...together. Home. Nesting. Home and hearth kind of thing. She was in -or headed to - another place. Is that "settling" in my case? I didn't think so at the time. There was still lots of fun but I was more "settling in" than "settling for." I think she was "settling for" and wound up not articulating it and resenting it.
I think.
Who knows?
She never really said. To this day.
As Gypsy succinctly summarizes it, "It broke. It wasn't fixed. Period."

Well time for my little story i guess:

April 09---notice a little pullback from W "no biggie" right?

July 09---ILYBNILY speech, i think the problem is all meand am willing to do "anything" to solve the problem

July-Nov 09---do everything wrong and embarass myself trying to "get another chance"

Nov 09---find evidence of OM and A

Dec 09---confront her of A--her and OM than get same attorney and each files for D from their spouse and kids

April 09---D is final

***that leaves out alot of stuff that is in my other threads but my XW has been particularly cruel saying things about my deceased father, sending her dad over to threaten to kill me, walking out of the 1st and only MC session and calling the therapist a fraud, nearly getting fired from her job for performance and attitude issues, taking S2 out to OM house and staying out until 2:00-3:00 in the morning with him, bad mouthing me to our friends and family with mixed results to say the least, a mis carriage with OM back in January, and now even though D was just final about a week ago (dont even have decree back in the mail yet) her and OM are trying to conceive again!

In many many ways I will be better off--so I am told! I just cant shake the initial sadness and loss and fear of being alone that I have. I have dreams in this life and those dreams have at least temporarily been shattered. And they have been shattered by the person that I was supposed to be able to trust most in the world.

I need to be able to take a couple of steps forward to know that I will be ok but I really am struggling with taking those steps. And I am incredibly sad for my S2--this is not his fault but in reality he will suffer the most thru all of this, and for what reason---mommy decided to break her vows and throw her marriage away for a man who is 15 years older and willing to leave his W and their S4 behind for her??!!

Some things I dont get now and I doubt I ever will.....

Buffet, As I have said in my sitch -and my IC said just about the same thing: 1) My dear ex-friend/ex-Wife is headed for a big inevitable fall! and, 2) That I will be just fine, eventually. I believe those two predictions/parallels will prove to be the case in your life, too. And that, my friend, perfectly sums up the trauma of the shattered LBS. Get a copy of The Journey From Abandonment To Healing by Susan Anderson. She's been working with abandoned husbands exclusively for 25 years and she has much common sense, validation, advice and comfort to offer. Best book I've gotten in the almost-year i've been here. The very first stage the abandoned spouse goes through per: Anderson's experience? Shattering!

Make those steps forward as the his Dad, the one dependable parent he has. With that as your priority, he -and you- will be fine. Keep your eye on the kind of man you're going to raise.

Sadly, you're right. You'll never "get them", you'll never get answers to those dozens of questions lingering in your head and dangling in mid air. This has been the hardest part for me to come to terms with, to accept: the many, many things about which I will never know the "WHY?"
Still working on that one. frustrates the hell out of me.
Stay strong. For your son.

No you won't, you just have to let this part of it go. Thinking about all of the why's? and how's? will keep you stuck.

I'm 33 and my ex was right around the same age as yours when she flipped her wig in 07. I haven't really followed you too much, I was just passing by.

I have a daughter who is six and a son who is three.

Stay focused on you and your son. Try your very best to shield him from the BS as much as you can.

Just remember you are a good man. You are not your ex's enemy, logic and reality are. Don't take ownership of her issues and let them affect the person you are.

Hold your head high and be the best father you can be. It gets easier and one day you will look back and see what you thought you had really wasn't.

Stay strong, stay away from her drama and BS as much as you can and love that little boy like no other. Keep learning, growing and striving to become better.

I know it may be difficult to see right now but brighter days ARE ahead.

Take care.

Thanks guys, as you both pointed out, the "logic" part of me knows that this will get better (hard to get worse). Just the emotional part of me that is needing to catch up to the logic part!

Funny now how things have gotten, I am getting nasty e-mails as we speak from XW as she is pissed that she needs to get the utilities moved into her name and pay deposits on them.....what does she expect?! Also pissed that as part of the property agreement she could have taken either our S2 furniture or the master bed set, she choose the master bed set (no surprise here she is selfish) and now I am moving this weekend and she is mad because I am actually taking the kiddos bed furniture (in he words I should "be a man and just leave") Funny I think I am acting like a man, however I am concerned b/c she does not have any furniture for S2 and now he will sleep in her bed which is a huge source of tension and conflict between us, as I do not agree with this.

I already cherish the day that S2 is more mobile and independent and the interaction between me and XW can be minimal.

Always the case.

Hey Buffet...

What a whirlwind you've endured! I can't begin to imagine the angst XW's nastiness is causing. Sometimes the inevitable isn't what they envisioned and the most logical person to take it out on in their minds - is you...

just maintain a steady heart and don't let her see you get angry - it's a woman-thing

by the way - am I too late to order a drink?

Ness x

Ness thanks for stopping buy I appreciate the words and never to late for a cocktail (or two!) Whattaya have?

Also, it is unreal about XW and other WAS here. I mean some of us statistically would have to be ignorant, uncaring, heartless monsters that would "deserve" this type of behavior, but we cannot all be that bad.............can we?!!

Depends on who you ask....