Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Husband being hateful and cruel. Is this a stage?

Ok, I h presented me with a new "opportunity" this morning. At the meeting with our lawyers where we tried in vain to agree on spousal support, they all agreed we should go somewhere to have our taxes done by someone else. My h has done them most of the time, but we have used the local tax service sometimes, too. We agreed during the meeting that we could be civil and adult and go together.

Well, this morning he finally answers me (after I had asked him this last week) that I could go ahead and make an appointment. Then he adds, or you could just come pick up the paperwork that I already have inside my car and just get them done. I told him that I would call and see what appointments she had available first.

Well, I called and of course this being the last few days before the dreaded tax day, she only has an appointment available Thursday at 9 A.M. They told me I would just have to take the paperwork to him at work and come back so they could get them filed in the afternoon.

In all of our years together h has always taken care of this stuff. He always has his opinion about how it should be taken care of. When we did go together, he always had questions or comments for the tax preparer.

I find it hard to believe that now he is going to trust me to take care of this. And, I realize there really isn't anything to take care of. She just puts the numbers in the boxes and out come your results. I guess I am just feeling like I will be damned if I do, and damned if I don't. He will likely have some comment about how I was the one who took care of the taxes.

When I asked him if it was alright for me to go to his work and pick up the papers, he said "yes, but don't come after work...I don't want any drama." I told him I didn't see a need for any drama as I was just going to pick up his papers. He said well, just come during the day, the car door is unlocked. Which is another surprise to me, because this man trusts no one and locks everything up!

I admit I am hurt that he apparently hates me so much he doesn't even want to lay eyes on me. But, then again I have no desire to get into a war with Monster and have my entire day upset!!! I hate this blasted MLC with a passion!!!

Hi CK

Sorry I did not respond sooner but I've been doing a fair amount of self reflection and needed to step back for a day or so.


Your friends and family see you in pain and what to stop the pain so in there minds you need to move on. What I try to do is avoid any conversation about our M. Remember you cannot control what your H says to your friends but you can control what you say. If you are getting a lot of pressure to move on then you may need to distance yourself for a while until they realize that you are committed to trying to work on the M. You should also remind them that you are working on yourself and taking this time for YOU and that when YOU feel comfortable you will make the appropriate choice.


Very normal....ask yourself why are you doing this. Remember you can only control YOU. I have to learn that my response to things are in my control and that I really cannot get someone to "see" my point of view. Everyone is different and entitled to there own thoughts, you may not agree but must feel secure enough in yourself to be able to stand for what YOU believe in.


This is probably a sign of depression, some of which is normal for us LBS's; however, you need to fight it. Do not fall so far down into a pit that you cannot climb back up. I recently read an article about depression as being "internalized anger" - are you angry? Angry about your sitch...angry about the lot that you have been cast. If so, then you need to find an outlet for this anger. What have you done in the past to release anger.

CK - this stuff is hard to deal with. You need to say to yourself that regardless of what happens you will be fine. You need to keep saying this until you believe it. Trust me it does not happen over night but you will begin to realize that you will make it.

I'm praying for you CK. You are not alone.

Now...here is a little homework assignment...please post 10 things that YOU would like to do for GAL activities.

God Bless,
Eric

Wow. I'm always floored at the great advice given and received. Ericmsant2 has posted a really great idea. Focusing on you and seeing yourself in the future happy is a great way to change things for the better. By doing that you become happier and you grow in a much more positive direction. I can tell you that from experience. It works. Don't delay trying it.

AJ

I agree that is great advice. However, after doing something stupid this afternoon, I am pushed back down. After I picked up the tax papers from my husband's car, he sent me a text. I knew better to get sucked in, but yet I answered him. Of course, this generated into multiple text messages that went on for a couple of hours. He was more cruel with each text he sent.

Instead of just stopping, even though I knew I would be the one getting hurt, I found myself reacting to him. He tried to tell me he had never loved me and faked it for 33 years. I told him he should be in Hollywood then...he's the best actor I've ever heard of. He told me that he once loved me ever so briefly, but wanted early on to leave me. I asked him if that was after his affair. He said no, way earlier than that. I said, ok, after my miscarriage? He said no, it was 2 days after he proposed to me!! WTH?! Then he tells me that he heard me say that if anyone ever hurt me again that I would kill them. He was so afraid of me (again, I am not even 5' tall) that he decided to go ahead and marry me. Instead of ignoring him, I said are you sure you didn't hear girl talk when we say stupid stuff like we're going to kill a guy if he breaks our heart? He said no, I had this crazed look in my eyes and a vengeful, hateful expression on my face that scared him.

I told him he should sell that story to Hollywood for sure because that's all it is. A story. I said none of that ever happened and at the time you're talking about you were head over heels in love with me! As you were for quite some time...many years! He said no, the truth finally comes out now and I am just in denial that he had lied to me for 33 years.

Well, then I finally wised up and told him I had had all the crazy talk I could stand for one day and was going to stop texting.

My daughter met me and took me out to dinner. She had called me while this texting war was going on, got mad at him and sent him a text telling him to back off and stop treating her mother so poorly. While I appreciate someone finally standing up for me, I know it will do no good.

On my way home tonight, it hit me that h is on a roll mentioning my threats to kill him. Which I have never done!!!! Well, except for the phrase I'm gonna kill you, which we all say, and really mean you are in trouble now, buddy. So far, h has told me he married me anyway although he was supposedly scared to death of me, he slept in the same bed with me all last summer even though he was afraid I would kill him in his sleep, and he had the deputy sheriff here to serve me divorce papers because he said I was violent and he was afraid I would kill him. I sent him a text asking if his real father who beat him had ever threatened to kill him. He of course did not answer.

Could this be one of those situations where someone in MLC projects onto the wife something that someone else close to them actually did? In my opinion, he is following a pattern. He did something he didn't want to do, but was afraid he would be killed. He could not sleep at night for fear he would be killed in his sleep, and when he finally got up the nerve to escape, he brought in the cops to protect him from being killed. I think he is having memories of his tortured life when he was being abused by his father. When h and his mother left in the middle of the night, his grandfather was also there to protect them and help them move some of their stuff.

After talking to him today, I am more concerned about him than ever before!! For a while there, I thought I was talking to someone who was mentally ill.

Now, I want to let you all know that I have been yelling at myself all evening for getting pulled into this with him. I know better. I have read all the resources and know it does no good to be involved in his re-writing history. And yet, I got sucked in. What in the world is wrong with me?

Covenantkeeper,

I did not have a lot of problems with this because though everyone knew about my situation, I was clear from the beginning that I would Stand for my marriage. I was polite, but told people that though I loved and respected them, I did not care whether they agreed with my Stand or even if they lost respect for me because of it. I would rather lose their respect than my won respect for myself.

I also had a small circle of friends, so there were not a lot of people. The only person who was a problem was my step mother, and my poor Dad got an earful from me. She did not tell it to me, but to my Mom who reported it to me. I talked to my parents and I had friends that came from support groups like here at DB.

I think if I has not been doing well, my mother would have said something. But because I remained strong, even during low periods, she had faith in me as a survivor. I did not want my circle of support to be blind. That is difficult to see sometimes.


I’m glad that you realize they are concerned about you and that they hurt when you hurt. Evenso, you need to make your own decisions. How concerned are you with other people’s opinions of yourself? Are you a people pleaser? Does it bother you when someone’s views you with pity? Do you let their perception influence your perception?


Some friends and family will either be too hurt and affected by your pain, too incensed at what you are doing or simply unable to agree to disagree. Do not discuss your situation with them. They get to choose their opinions too. It would be unfair for you to discuss your problems with people you know do not agree and will not remain quiet about it and then expect them to be supportive.

My Dad always supported me. But I eventually refrained from discussing my situation with him because he was not able to handle it emotionally. It hurt him too much. He worried for me and he worried for my husband—he worried the OW would harm him.


Your MLCer is in Monster. Many LBSs have experienced this.
I heard the same thing—while he was also sleeping next to me at night.

And you know what, I don’t think he believed what he was saying. Poisoned muffins, I was eating them too! Your MLCer does have darker things in his past and may believe the projections. But also consider what he’s hearing from others.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned
She will damage your stuff.
Watch your back.
I heard about this guy who left his wife and she found where he lived and killed her.

My husband was warned that I would destroy his property he left in the garage. The OW may have said some of this, but well-meaning friends also spoke up. Really, they were well-meaning. It was a valid concern, not because I was going to damage his property, but because predicting what someone will do amidst the trauma of abandonment is difficult. Trustworthy, ethical and honest people, upstanding Christians included, go beserk.


Yes, it could. This is not uncommon.
Maybe that can help you understand and release. But focusing on this and other explanations with analysis paralysis will not help you.


More analysis. I get it, I did it and I do it. But focus on your Self first.


I went through this too. I used it for myself—I realized I was not a wife with a bad marriage or even an abandoning spouse, but I was a wife with a sick spouse. It helped me to Stand. Other than that I did nothing with it; okay I analyzed…I’ll admit it. But let this feeling serve you by serving your Stand. You are not his rescuer; he must save himself. Turn it over to God.

Easier said than done. Talk to your counselor and minister about doing this.

HUGS

CK


Sorry to hear that but now you need to PUSH YOURSELF back UP


Not a good move to get sucked back in. As hard as it may seem I think you need to make sure that your interactions with him are as positive as can be. Do not give him the ammo he needs to justify his actions. This is tough when the emotions are charged between the two of you. Next time maybe try NOT to respond if you suspect that you are getting sucked in.





All of this crap is him projecting HIS anger at HIMSELF torwards you IMO. You need to let this stuff slide off your back. Having said this, sometime what the say has some truth to it but you can only determine what that is if you REALLY listen to what he says. Looks like you finally wised up and ended to the convo. Kudos to you.


Actually you may be suffering from a case of "I'm human and I love this person"... seriously, give yourself a little break here. This stuff happens all the time. None of us are perfect. Just learn from it and try and make sure you do not make the same mistake again..what does Einstein say is the definition about doing the same thing over again and expecting different results?

Keep your head up - stay the course and really just focus on you and your healing.

God Bless,
Eric

Well, I saw my h this morning and we have texted back and forth about filing our taxes. I knew he would be difficult about this and I guess I should not be surprised at the odd things that come out of his mouth. Since I went to the tax place to have them done, I had to take the papers to his work to have him sign them. When I got there he complained that he shouldn't have to pay the $12.00 we owed for school taxes since he moved out in November. I kept my mouth shut about how he should have changed that at his workplace and what's the big deal about 2 months out of the year? And, we're talking 12 bucks! I told him I would her know and see what she says. He yelled, "No, I want a correct tax return. Don't ask her, just tell her I want it changed." I said ok, I'll let her know that. The h I knew would never be that demanding or worried about something so small. But, this new guy (Monster) is demanding.

When I took the papers back, I told her what he said. She smiled and I said, look just humor me and tell me what the difference would be. I realize he should have taken care of this himself, but he apparently didn't. She said no problem, she could do it, but then we would have to file separate and he would have to pay his own fee of $100.00 and would have to drive down there to sign new papers. Seemed stupid to me, but I sent him a text to let him know. We waited for about 15 minutes for an answer, and I texted him to tell him I was going to have to decide for him since she could no longer wait. I also told him I would gladly pay the 12 bucks.

Well, that did not go over very well! Then, he was ticked that he should have just done the taxes himself. Our attorneys told us to have them done this year by a tax service so there would not be any reason for either of us to complain. He has done our taxes in the past and I had no problem with him doing it. But, since he filed for divorce I didn't think it was too smart to let him do them for me this year.

I told him that I was going to make copies of everything for him including a copy of the receipt and asked him what time would be good for me to bring those to him. He said, no, just mail them. Well, I was good and said ok. I told him that I made sure to put down our joint checking account number for the refund to go into. He then said he cut his card up and since I had the checks, he doesn't consider us having a joint checking account since there is no "us." I knew he was trying to bait me so I said, well, your name is still on the account so I'm sure the bank would let you get your money out. He then texted back, "just mail me a check". I said, "ok, whatever you want.

Well, that apparently ticked him off because now he is on a texting warpath. He first said, "I'll see you in November", the date for our divorce. I told him I'm sure I would see him before that, although I am doing my best to only contact or see him for business.

Now, he is telling me he just had a living will made up. And he said my name didn't make the list of who can make decisions for him. And, he doesn't even want me to visit him in the hospital. On this one, I am not going to get pulled into his ranting. I said, no problem, I will make sure my attorney gets a copy of that so we can have it included in all of our other documents. I also said, I do think a wife has some legal rights, but I would have to check with my attorney first.

It really amazes me that a h in MLC who says he does not want to see me or talk to me would come up with these "brilliant" reasons to try to tick me off. I told him this was a dumb argument that I was not going to get sucked into and he needed to stop texting me. So, his next text is that he is "out of the home repair business and I will just have to call someone else if I have any problems come up." And that every day just makes him more determined to divorce me. I am not going to respond to that.

I swear he's acting like a toddler. The whole home repair comment almost sounded like "if you don't want to play along, I'm going to take my ball and go home." And, I also think he really wants to talk to me. He does this text war thing every time he sees me. IMO if he really didn't want to have any contact with me, it would've ended today after I told him about mailing him copies of the tax forms.

So, did I do better at trying to detach and not get sucked in to his arguments? It was really hard! He was hitting my buttons and I wanted to vent and scream at him. Although, I do have to admit I am sort of feeling good about myself right now. And, I'm not crying like I usually wind up doing after getting sucked in. Maybe I am doing this after all.

Yes totally ignore him. He is a toddler right now looking for attention. Think of a child. When you don't pay attention to them or don't act in a way they "expect" you to, they throw a tantrum.

All I heard in that post above was him saying "I don't like this and I'm going to hold my breath until I get what I want. Wah!"

Don't communicate back to him for anything. Take care of things on your own. In fact, I would send him a message saying how you did not appreciate him speaking to you in the way that should he need to contact you for anything, you expect to be treated the same way he would like to.

Then block him off your phone and email. Get him out of sight. He's going to get pissed, but you know what? He already is! You did well in not getting sucked into his drama. Now is your time to ignore him.

This is exactly what's going to happen. He's going to say that you are "ignoring" him and that you're a b*tch, and how you must have a BF now, etc. Don't respond to all of his rantings. In fact, just give 'yes' and 'no' answers.

Once he sees that you're not the root of his problems, he's going to have to look at himself or direct his anger at someone else, driving that person away.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CK!!!

I like the cake next to your name!

Thank for the birthday wishes! I have no idea how that birthday cake got next to my name. However, I thank whoever put it there!:)