Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Need some advice with WAH

(I posted this in Newcomers but after reading this forum I think I should re-post it here)

My husband has been having an EA since August and it’s now been verified as a PA. He was an incredibly negative person and being away from him has been wonderful for me, but he is a great father and I have a hard time giving up on my son’s family. We’ve been separated for three months. He gave me the WAS script, and things were incredibly bad between us when he left.

LRT has worked wonders. He told me I’ve been looking “phenomenal” and really seems to enjoy talking to me. He finds excuses to text me about our son and perpetuates it into other subjects, and the other day even texted me something cute my son did and said how it reminded him of me, etc. He’s also been referring to this as a separation instead of the divorce it used to be. And after a family member of mine saw him and OW kissing in a hotel parking lot this weekend, he expressed some doubts about D and doesn’t want to rush into it. I told him I’d make some man very happy and he said maybe it would be him someday. This is the first verbal doubting I've heard.

I’m only LRTing to keep my options open, and the confirmation of a PA after he’s been lying that they’re “just friends” has made it almost impossible to think of going back to him. And I just found out that he and our son spent a day with her and her children while I was out of state this weekend. This is from a man who’s been really good with our son other than this. My son thinks she’s just a friend of his dad’s, but he’s almost nine and pretty smart. He told me out of the blue and luckily I managed to have no visible reaction. When I spoke to H about how irresponsible I think this was since our son could figure out they’re more than friends, he eventually saw what I meant and was totally apologetic and actually thanked me for having our son’s, and H's, best interests at heart. He is usually so defensive that it has been difficult for him to ever acknowledge I have a valid complaint about anything he did.

I don’t understand how H can be in this deep with her and act this way towards me at the same time. I told him that I wanted to start the D rolling after I found out about the PA. That’s when he expressed reservations. Today he’s called me two or three times and arranged to meet me about “housekeeping” issues, most of which was not that important.

When I picked up our son this morning H’s head was literally hanging and he looked completely ashamed of himself, it was the first time I’ve seen him since the PA revelation and when I met him for the housekeeping issue, he tried to seem confident but his hand was shaking (was trying to hide his nervousness but I could see it). I’ve been neutral towards him, we did have a bit of an R talk after I found out he’s sleeping with her and he actually wanted to continue it at a later time. He’s a man who actually likes to talk about feelings.

Any advice or insights? I do want a D but doing that means I have very little say over what my son does when he’s not with me. I do still love H in a way but I would rather not be with him. Feelings do change, though. I kind of wonder if he thinks he doesn’t have a chance anymore, but we were getting along better and I was being really friendly to him and he still met with her this weekend (she doesn’t live here but visits family every couple of months or so, it seems).

But pulling away seems to be working. I told him a month ago after he misled me into switching days keeping our son so he could meet her that I was now onboard with the D which is when he stopped talking about D. He also knows I’m fully prepared to find a new man, and is kind of taken aback by my newly developed confidence, so maybe he thought he’d just keep me in his back pocket as an option? I do feel badly for him if he does want to get back together, how horrifying to cause this much of a mess (everyone knows about the EA), cause this much pain to your W and son, and then regret it and have to live with the consequences.

Minor update: since I found out a week ago about the PA he has done everything he can to keep me happy and has been exceedingly agreeable. I haven't acknowledged his "maybe we can be together" comments or D again so he has no idea what I'm thinking. I've also been civil but my old friendliness has disappeared. I find it impossible to "banter" with my husband who's sleeping with another woman. He did tell me they're "friends first" and have no long-term plans when I asked if they're planning to be together after I found out they took their kids out together.

Could he be nervous that you will use the evidence of the PA in the divorce/custody action against him?

Is yours a "fault" or a "no-fault" state?

Puppy

1. First off, your husband's behaviour right now is tainted by an addiction - infidelity is VERY ADDICTIVE... and all the negative destructive behaviour that comes from that - lying, manipulation, aggression, tension, moodiness, emotional outbursts, even theft and violence can result. All actions are driven to secure and enhance the affair, the addiction.

2. Do NOT rush into divorce. Read Chapter 1 of Divorce Remedy - The Divorce Trap. Divore is NOT an easy route to end pain. Your husband is being pressured by an OW to do what he's doing and he is emotinoally vulnerable.

3. How was his behaviour BEFORE he met OW? Was he more aggreeable then? If he was great before OW, then most of what you are dealing with is OW's influence, once she's gone he should gradually shift back to normal.

4. Is the OW married? Whom have you exposed his affair to and in what way did you expose it? What exactly did you say to the people you exposed to?

5. Do NOT validate his infidelity by callint it a "realtionship", do NOT use the term "love", or ask him if he "loves her" or anything pertaining to a romantic relationship. Infidelity is very much like stalking. The stalker thinks he's "in love" and in a "relationship" too.. But he's lying, he's creeping around and threatening a person's emotional stability.

6. Be careful in assessing your H as a good father - good father's to their children do not LIE to their children's mother and cheat on her.

7. Consider all the long term effects of pushing for divorce, many people who do this end up regretting the decision. If you think your H has potential when he is NOT involved at all with OW then consider a family - therapist reconcilliation. Note : Individual Counsellor's are NOT the same as a family therapist... the latter requires a amuch different skill set than the former. Divorce is not something to purusue when you are hurt or upset, there are much more important things to consider (your marriage and your children) when contemplating divorce. To submit to your impulses is what your Husband is doing... Try not to follow suit.

8. How long have you been D-busting? Most people don't start d-busting right away, they have to put teh skills together first.

9. Note : Affair-busting requires a bit of a different skill set and approach than divorce-busting. You have done some exposure and a mild confrontation, but it doesn't sound like it was backed up with a boundary set or consequences.

This sounds like it CAN be saved by the sounds of it... Don't lose hope

No, we've already worked everything out and it should be pretty simple, there's really nothing to fight over and he knows I won't make our son suffer by keeping him away from his dad. He's been paying voluntary child support that is more than I'll get when we D (I think he knows that too). We've split up money and are already sharing time with our son according to the custody agreement we've come to.

I think he's flat out horrified he's been caught, he always wants to be the good guy and this is anything but. I'd like to think he's ashamed of himself but maybe just ashamed he got caught. We were getting along great and I could tell he was coming around, and this makes it a lot more difficult and he likes to hide things so this discovery really put a wrench in all that.

I think you have some deciding to do.

You can't fight for a marriage while backpeddling.. etiher you want to TRY and EXPLORE reconcilliation or not.

if you want to try, you have steps we can help you with to end the affair, once that's done, the marriage repair can be explored. You cannot repair a marriage while an affair is taking place.

I can't quite tell if you are committed to exploring reconcilliation or not...

Again Chapter 1 of Divorce Remedy is an excellent resource to help you consider that.

It does sound like he may be afraid of exposure in the short term and the long term here. This is a lot of leverage for you if you want to explore ending his affair.

Thanks for your input, I've seen some of your posts over here and they're why I reposted.

We married very young and have had problems off and on, but he was a good husband (I would have said great before all this but now I can see how much he was contributing). Somehow they both convinced each other to leave their spouses at about the same time, what a coincidence! You're right about the influence, I've never thought about it that way before.

I sadly lost it on the phone to his mother after the second D-Day, but this affair is exposed far and wide. I am not one to be humiliated my H cheated on me! He is avoiding everyone. I did expose to OW's H last week, of course my H says she's made it clear to him they're over and she's only staying for the next 18 months because he has a job commitment he can't break and she doesn't want to deprive the kids of their father. She'd have to move a few hours away. But trust me, her H was devastated and of course OW probably lied to my H about that situation. I really only told him because I was so upset he didn't tell me when he found out, I have "dropped the rope" and just want out of this mess.

I do call it cheating, and I do not think he's in love with her, but what do I know in the end I guess? He finally told me it was time I knew the truth and she means a "lot" to him. I'd be insulted if I were her!

The only thing stopping me from D right now is my son. The two of them taking their kids out together was shocking to me. I've told him a good father doesn't cheat on his kid's mother, but that's neither here or there to cheaters, I guess. But other than this he's been great, I do notice that there's two of my H now: the old normal one and OW's. And OW's is the one who made the decision to go out together as a group.

I've been DB'ing since the end of January, and had immediate effects. That man was following me around like a puppy for a week, until he finally noticed and cut it out (I just pretend I don't notice). Since then he's been slowly working back to that but we don't contact each other for anything other than our son 99% of the time. When he left I figured it was over and have too much pride to beg, call and cry, etc. So I was lucky there and I am also so disgusted with his behavior that I had no real problems detaching. He hates that I'm so black and white sometimes, but in this case it really helped. If he wants to be with someone else I don't want to be with him, except for our son of course.

Hopefully this answers your exposure and confrontation question. Thanks for all your questions, they did make me think. I think it can be saved too, but my self-respect can't take a lot of this. Being away from his constant negative feedback has really let my self-confidence, esteem, and respect out and it's hard to think of going back. I know I know, if I change he'll change, right!

Thanks, a quick reply and then I have to get ready to go to work. I spent all yesterday afternoon going back and forth and I think I have to be open for my son. I feel like it's throwing him to the wolves if I don't.

I read the Penny Tupy book last night and her line about the marital bond not ever really being broken while both former spouses are still living really got to me. And I can tell he is trying to do better at things. Thanks again for your help, you guys are so great to hang around doing this after you've gotten your marriages back together.

OK, let me ask this :

How different has your husband been since the affair started?

If he was horrible before that, then you may be on the right track in wanting out, but if he was a good man and the addiction has turned him into a monster then you are just tryign to escape the addiction, and divorce isnt' necessarily the best course for that. Your son will feel the effects of the two of you parting.

Read Chapter 1 of DR, its excellent for warning you about the impact of divorce.

Think of this much like your son. He's a good boy but gradually you start to see negative changes in him... you find out that he's befriended another young boy at school who is commonly understood as a bad influence.

You wond't send your son off to military school right away would you?

You get RID of the bad INFLUENCE... and understnad how that can impact a good person.

So, you have to assess your marriage long term, not just the infidelity. THAT can be ended in some cases. It does sound like reality is already setting in on your Husband and he realises how awkward this will be.

You've cut yourself off from him and now it looks like he's consdering reconcilliation... Are you willing to explore that?

That's the question here.

We have



But that doenst' tell us if you are willing to do the work to end his affair (half done already) and explore a reconcilliation with a family therapist assisted program...

It isnt' an issue of him wanting to be with someone else

He is married and is addicted to an affair.

You need to decide if you are willing to help him end that and explore reconcilliation or if you will not accept that and want divorce.

It is humanly possible to be emotionally committed to a woman in the long term and to have a short term affair with another woman. This does NOT dismiss his long term commitment to you, even on an emotional level.

Often people having affiars will say soemthing like

"I love you but I am not in love with you"

But this is them confusing the feeling of romantic excitement with the commitment of marriage and family that brings its own wondeful feelings - that are MUCH MUCH HEALTHIER and LAST much LONGER

Your husband likely needs a FT to help him understand the difference. Infidelity makes it almost impossible to distinguish during the affair itself.

He's confused his impulses and adrenaline for emotional love and commitment... he has the former with HER, and the latter with YOU... this is NOT a matter of him just wanting to BE WITH her.

I can pretty much assure you he doens't KNOW what it MEANS to be with her. Affair couples long term success rate is less than 1%. Once they run off together and are under the same roof they learn eventually that love isn't the same thing as excitement...

Don't confuse these two the way he is... its not healthy for you or him.

Affairs are NOT romantic relationships...

OK, I am going to take that as a yes and we can help you with some advice on how to bust the affair. Some of it is already underway. We just need to ask a few more questions to find out where you are at.

I will post more later this afternoon