Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers now i know....

Sorry GMan, I usually hang out in the infidelity forum. That's the subject area I usually take the time to post about. So I don't always get back here...

Have you read anything about infidelity being an addiction? I haven't read that from you so far, so this point may help you out.

Many affairs that run the course of several weeks or months can be viewed as addictions.

This means there will be "a fog"
Your wife will be aggressive with you
Defensive
Secretive
Dishonest
Verbally and even physically abusive
She will be self-destructive
Moody - Happy one hour and Mean the next

This is DURING the affair...

AFTER the affair ENDS there is a WITHDRAWAL phase where she has to get the OM out of her system.

This can take more than THREE MONTHS. She will be confused, lost, frustrated, angry, sad, and defensive during this time... she needs a fix and isn't getting it anymore. And no the sex is not the object of addiction, its the fantasy relationship she had. Think compulsive gambler thinking he just needs one more shot and he will "hit it big"... its all a fantasy

SHE needs TIME to process the fallout on her own... don't rush the healing process. She DOES need to learn, but don't expect her to be a model wife right away.. and don't take her withdrawal personally.. its just that a withdrawal for a destructive habit she's trying to kick.

And Yes, asking her if she still has feelings for OM is NOT HELPING that... at ALL.

She never HAD feelings for him.. it wasn't REAL... it was an unhealthy habit that hurt a lot of people... there were no feelings... just a habit.. OK?

It was not LOVE that they shared it was EXCITEMENT at FOOLING everyone for a short time... criminals get this adrenaline rush too... its NOT HEALTHY and it WILL come back to HAUNT YOU LATER

Your wife is dealing with that haunting now. Give her some time to process all of that... she's working on it.

I have a lot to say about Chapman's LL's too, but that will have to wait for another time.

I will leave you with some thougths from Dr Phil McGraw :

Cheaters:

Look at the statistics.
The chance of a successful relationship born of infidelity is not even one in 100. A marriage that starts in infidelity has no foundation. You go into it with guilt, shame, angst, worry, and all the baggage that comes with that. Add to that managing your ex and going through possible custody battles for children. Is it worth it?

Think of the children.
If you have children and you are cheating on your spouse, your children will suffer. You are turning their lives upside down, fracturing their family unit and destroying their peace and harmony.

Think ahead to what the courts might think of you as a parent. You may think your partner wouldn't fight you on custody, but people change when they get into a divorce court. Your spouse might just decide that the person who stole his/her partner will not steal the children as well. If you enter the divorce arena in the midst of infidelity, you have put your children in play. Again, ask yourself, is it worth it?

If the person you are having an affair with is married with children, ask yourself, "What right do I have to fracture his/her family unit in which innocent children are growing every day, just to feed my need?"

Be honest with yourself.
Is the unfaithfulness over with? Moving forward, do you absolutely and unequivocally have nothing to hide? You'll never get past this until you start being drop-dead honest. Remember, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If you don't think you can stop on your own, get professional help.

Be honest with your partner.
By not being honest with yourself and your partner, you're doing nothing but perpetuating the deception. If you know that you will continue to be unfaithful, and if you really care about your partner, you will let him/her go and get yourself some help.

Accept responsibility.
Have the decency to tell your spouse in all honesty and candor that you own your choices. You're the one who ran this relationship off in the ditch. This had nothing to do with your partner. If you want to fix your marriage, you have to accept responsibility and do whatever it takes to earn your partner's trust back one step at a time.

Assess your commitment level.
Are you committed enough to your partner in order to do the work necessary in order to repair the relationship? However long it takes to get this relationship back on the road, is however long you need to work at it.

Behave your way to success.
Keep in mind, you can no longer be in contact with the person you were having an affair with. Avoid the places you know he/she frequents, change your phone numbers, and if you're unsure of your strength in staying away from him/her, then move. If you're so out of control that you're like a moth to a flame, then get away from the candle!

Turn toward your partner.
When your life or relationship becomes rocky and affects your sexual relationship, that is the time you should turn toward your partner, not away from him/her because of your sexual needs.

Re-engineer your life.
If you are a sex addict, and you really want to change this, it's not a quick fix. It's an entire reengineering of your life, values, beliefs, thoughts, conduct and emotions. It's about deconstructing your life, and reconstructing your future. Unless you get professional help, you're going to continue to victimize everybody who you touch because you're controlled by your impulses rather than your values.

well after some thought about my situation, i started to wonder if i am heading in the right direction towards peicing/healing.

W and i are talking about almost everything that lead our R to where it is today. She told me she loves me for the first time since th ILYBNILWY dated a few months ago.

we are not perfectly happy by no means right now, but moving forward. one thing that she recently mentiond to me was that she felt i lacked confidence, and that was one of the things OM gave her. funny thing is told her that she is the one who had a big hand in destroying my confidence over the past few years of non-supportive actions and situations.

talk about co-dependacy...lol

now i am hoping that sandi or some other women can help me to define how to reclaim my confidence. I am not sure exactly what W means, but i want to regain that stron confident figure i was years ago in her eyes....

perhaps i am just rambling now....

What your wife is saying is that she wants a strong loving caring man who doesn't seem so needy and clingy.
[=quote]

[quote=jasper67]The confidence part is likely VERY important...I suggest "act as if"

W's view of you will be very important- you MUST rise above the blow you took to your ego and such.