Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers A teenage parenting question........

if she doesn't want to listen and wants to do her own thing, then you suggest that she also find her own place to live, if you want to be an ADULT you can take on all the responsibilities of being one, not just some of the fun privileges.

You backup words with actions, in fact you always have to do that in every situation you're in, not just in this particular situation. It's easy to say words, backing them up with real action is what sets you apart from most people.

Thats the difference between people who complain that life isn't fair (and do so while sitting on their couch watching tv with the remote control firmly in hand) and those that make it so that life is fair to them by not relying on good intentions to live life, turning those intentions into physical action and making the life they want to live.

That's not the least bit surprising. I'm in my 40's and that behavior was common when I was in high school.

I tell my friends with teenagers now to assume they know at least as much as you do, most likely more, and are behaving as independent adults when it comes to sex.

With access to information and explicit web sites, there is NOTHING kids don't know today. We would be naive to think otherwise...

My kids are too young to have this conversation (both under 10) but I know I liked the way my parents discussed sex with me and my sisters, and I will probably go with the same path. My sister has a two girls (21 & 18) and a boy (16), and her way of doing it is the way that I'll go too.

First, congratulations on having a relationship with your daughter that she feels comfortable enough to talk to you about those issues. It shows that you've done a great job! Kudos!

I felt that I could talk freely with my parents as well, and that was one of the best feelings I had when I started thinking about sex (my first time @ 17). There was never a "we have to have a talk" moment, but throughout all of our teenage years, they would tell us about how sex was a natural part of life and that we should be comfortable with doing it. Looking back, I appreciated that there was never any guilt or shame associated with it. Having sex wasn't seen as being something related to morality, it wasn't good or bad, but a choice that we'd make, in the same way we made choices about where to go to college or who our group of friends were.

If anything, I think my parents spent a lot more time telling us to be careful when driving than who we dated, since it's more likely for a kid to get hurt in a car accident. But on the topic of sex, they would talk about the different options for birth control - condoms, the pill, etc. if we wanted to have sex. They also let us know there were a lot of non-sex activities that we might want to think about - mutual masturbation, individual masturbation, that might satisfy our curiosities if we didn't feel comfortable having sex.

I appreciated that they would acknowledge that we were growing up and our sex drives were part of our life and that there were many paths we could choose. The main thing they told us to look out for was doing anything that we felt uncomfortable about. I remember my mom saying that if I wanted to have sex and felt like the guy might be a jerk about it, just to trust my gut instinct and leave him alone. If anything, looking back, I realize that type of approach helped me make a lot of lot of good decisions because it seemed that my parents would love me no matter what I did. And because I felt loved by them, I didn't have to seek love or affirmation from guys, but could be with them on my terms.

Also, I liked how my folks gave us the range of options if one of us got pregnant. They told us that we'd always be loved no matter what, and should we get pregnant, there was the choice to keep it, abort it, or give it up for adoption. None of these were pushed as the right one, but were presented with equal weight and no judgement, and they would support any of our decisions. But they did emphasize that even though there were a lot of choices, having a child before you are ready is a huge responsibility and to have safe sex.

Wow, looking back, I think my parents did a great job. Another part of the puzzle they made easier for us was the possibility of STDs and having sex, so being selective with partners was important. I'm 40 now, so the late 80s and early 90s seemed to have a lot more public information about AIDS and how you could get it and prevent it. I had friends whose moms would talk about how gays were getting it as punishment for their sins or whatever they said, but I liked how my folks told us that AIDS was serious disease and anyone could get it, it didn't matter if you were straight, gay, or bi. And that the disease wouldn't be a punishment for anything. I remember my mom really loving the movie Philadelphia with Tom Hanks because it showed how anyone could get it and how ignorance makes people feel guilty for getting sick when there's no reason to feel guilty.

For my nieces, my sister bought them the Lady Gaga and Cyndi Lauper MAC lipsticks. The money from that goes directly to support research and people living with AIDS, and I'm so happy that the discussion in the mainstream media. They love the lipstick but it also gave them a chance to talk about their sex lives (oh, mom!)

To go back to your original point though, you mentioned how if your daughter has sex, it will change her life, it will be this incredible moment. Maybe for you it was, and that's a great way to guide her. But from my point of view, having sex was not this huge moment for me. It was nice (and messy the first times). I had partners through out college, some serious relationships, dumb one-night stands, and found a person that I thought I connected with (but he connected with someone else and now we are about to be divorced). I wonder sometimes if my stbx-h had had a less strict upbringing, if he had slept with more people in college if he wouldn't have strayed, but I guess there's no way to tell. And since he had unprotected sex during his affair, I'm waiting til the summer until I become sexually active again to be sure that I don't have any diseases.

But above all, I'm so very grateful that I always felt that I could turn to my parents for support and advice. If they felt I was making a poor decision, they would have told me, but they also let me know it was MY decision. For that, it helped me so much. Good luck!

I started dating my WH of 32 years when I was 15, we dated for a year before we were intimate. I too am wondering if his affair (2nd) has to do with "what he has missed"

It's parents' duty to raise good decision makers. It's not about parents choose for the their children, it's about children being able to make responsible decisions on their own.

If you expect your children to ask for your approval every step they take, they won't learn how to walk on their own.

Parents have a way to make it easy to do the right thing, and hard to do the wrong.

Dianamo,

From my sig you will see the ages of my children.

My eldest D talks to me about everything....my second is slightly less forthcoming but genereally opens up even if it is 'after the fact'.

My biggest concern is that my children grow up to be healthy and have good lives - including good sexual lives. I don't want them to be teen parents and I don't want them to have sexual hang ups. I personally don't think that it is a good idea to marry the first person you have sex with.

I want my children to be able to feel that they can always come home and discuss things.

There are times they have said things to me that have made my stomach flip but I have had to hide my distress.

You cannot put an old head on young shoulders, and one of the hardest things I have found as a parent, is not having the ability to undo, and put right, things my children have done that have hurt them....but that's all part of them growing up.

Taking an extreme line, either way I think will lead to problems.....you are the parent and not just a friend. But don't think that just because you tell your child they are too young to have sex or it is illegal at their age, that will be enough to stop them. Im my experience, peer group pressure is one of the most influential factors. Luckily my eldest D wasn't bothered by what her peers thought - unfortunately my second D was influenced greatly by this factor and was not in a good peer group. However, the morals we had instilled in her from young DID eventually bring her back into our fold, but she did learn some harsh lessons. I hated seeing her innocence lost and wish I could get it back for her. In the long run though there was no harm and she learnt some valuable lessons. I couldn't have stopped her doing what she did without having her under a 24hr curfew which is just unrealistic.