Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis The tunnel of darkness

D-You're right. Detachment is key or it is so easy to get sucked in! I know I am definitely more detached than a year ago, but I know I still have a ways to go. Distance, physical distance, has helped. Not seeing H daily or knowing what he is up to has helped. Continually reminding myself that there is no going back, only forward, that this is a journey he MUST take on his own..this all helps.

Focusing on ourselves and our children helps.

OP-As far as the prom stuff.. I have to say a 9th grader(D14) going to the prom with a senior, worries me a little. D14 says she is just good friends with this boy, and that he is very childlike/innocent..but the age/experience difference and the prom environment itself..worry me some. I'm going to try and gather info about what is planned, get H's input, before I say 'YES' or 'NO'-which was my first knee-jerk reaction. D14 is a very sensible girl(most of the time!), and wise beyond her years on many things..but I know sometimes she doesn't tell me the whole truth...so we shall see.

KJ,

Only you can decide, not me, I have my share of my own problems. Just trying to give you another point of view.

If you get a chance watch the show - Parenthood. You can relate. Its on Tuesday on NBC.

Being a mom of a 16-year old. I can relate. The boy may be nice and innocent but he has hormones as any other 17-year old. She is only 14 and very impressionable especially by older boys. Mine was. Maybe a good approach would be to meet him and talk to him about how you feel (scare him to death) and also talk to his parents. Anyway that's what I would do first, before deciding.

Good ideas Mila. I have to say D14 is an unusual girl for her age-hates drama, isn't really 'boy crazy'..has mostly guy-friends rather than girlfriends b/c she hates drama..

OP- Have watched Parenthood-it is a good show..
I also have been enjoying the Marriage Ref-pretty funny what people have major fights over...enjoy the humorous look at marital conflict!

Found out from my lawyer that H's biggest worry in this divorce is that he won't have 50/50 custody of the girls..bigger worry than the money-which is what the lawyers have been focusing on...

D12 had a meltdown tonight and even though she's rebuffing any efforts by H to connect with her, she is so very hurt that H doesn't keep trying to connect with her.. She worries that I will leave her...I keep reinforcing in behavior and words that I'm not going anywhere..Anytime she feels rejected by me or D14 she has an over-the-top reaction. I hope she'll consider therapy someday soon, it would so help her deal with these issues. It seems so much for a twelve-year-old to deal with on her own.

I'm keeping a PMA and looking forward to a short road trip to Moab on this weekend with my girls.

KJ I feel for your D12, I think she would benefit from therapy. At least have her talk to a school councilor, my D16 did. Her world has turned upsides down, she feels insecure. Good that you are reinforcing safety and security by reassuring her that she will always have you.

The weekend with your girls will be great for bonding of your "new" family unit. Have lots of fun.

It's like he needs to prove it to her. Right? They need to know they matter. At least your H's biggest concern is 50/50 custody.

In a way both mine seem to feel this. Could be I'm projecting, but I know my girls.

(((KJ)))

Enjoy your trip with your girls. Getting a change of scenery will be good.

I hope your D12 will consider therapy. She does sound like she is having a tough time. Maybe one day your H will wake up enough to realize WHY she is so upset at him. They truly are in a fog, aren't they?

Glad to see he re-friended you on FB.:) My H blocked me almost a year ago and hasn't used FB since. So very strange.

We're coming home tomorrow. So far the trip has been OK-some meltdowns (D14 has the worst sunburn from her Florida trip and now a sinus infection!)..but overall a good trip.

Before we left town I spoke to H and asked him if I should pay for D12's summer trip out of our money market..he said.."Just do what you want"..in a tone like I would do what I want anyway..so I didn't feel too good about that and have "done" nothing. I will wait for it to be agreed upon in our temporary orders this week.

Its hard being on this trip without H, he and I have been to Moab so often together, before we were married and after. Lots of memories here. But its nice to spend time with the girls.

I think I'm still going through the steps of grieving..I'm thinking it takes a long time! But I start the Rebuilding class on Sunday so hopefully that will help me process this loss more completely.

I talked to D14 about therapy and although she says she doesn't think it will help her, she said she'd go if I wanted her to..such a far cry from her sister's reaction! So we'll see.

Hoping to make the last night here a good one. Off to Arches!

KJ,

Glad you are getting some time to spend with your girls. I'm sure it must be hard to be there without your H but it's good you are able to build new family memories.

I hope your D12 will be willing to go to therapy at some point. I know it just breaks your heart to see her struggling with something that was not your choice or theirs.

Enjoy your last night away!

So back in the swing of things. Saw H tonight at D14's concert and he sat next to me...thought he smelled of beer-but not sure. He left right after the concert without seeing D14.

Later I texted him some financial info we'd talked about and he got all defensive and thought I was putting him down because I didn't say "Hi" in my text first(which was possibly rude, but not a put-down!)..oversight on my part..

Oh well, The more he is like this, the less I like him. I'm tired of having everything I say or do be construed negatively, no matter how careful I am about what I say or do!

Onward and Forward. I think it will be a good day when I just AM, without thinking of how H might take what I say or do. Need to take back that power I've inadvertantly given him over my emotions!