Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again One day at a time....

Glad to hear you're reading NJF. Sorry the example stories triggered you, I guess that didn't happen to me or it's been so long since I read it that I forgot. But I think it will help put words to some nebulous feelings. And when you're done it would be great if H would read it too so he can read/hear someone else articulate your perspective. I know that's what did the trick for BF. He could hear me say it 10 tiimes but reading it just clicked with him so he finally understood what I was saying.

Keep up the good work! And don't get discouraged if the tears come back. It's natural. You'll have more tear-free days strung together and soon that will be normal and the tears will be rare.

Hi Pearl,

I think there was a few too many eerie similarities in the story in the book. But, it's ok, I am still finding it helpful. I did tell H about it and he has agreed to read it, but not yet. *sigh* I don't know if I should push things like that. My IC says "no", and my gut also says "no". But, it is frustrating.

I have still been pretty teary.... but it is getting better.

Now, I find the past few days I am getting back into an anger cycle towards OW again. Trying so hard to not let her have any more space in my head and my heart, but I find it so hard. I have so much I wish I could say but I know it would do no good. I hope this passes soon because I do not like feeling so angry so much of the time.

Otherwise, H continues to make positive efforts. Can't complain about that.

Sigh, what to do about OW...I still have days when she crosses my mind. I hope that she's miserable, then I hope she falls in love and gets cheated on so she knows what it feels like. And if I ever run into her I wonder if I would just ignore her or slap her.

But it's not every day. And it's not often. To stop focusing on her early in piecing I kept telling myself that she's not worth it. She's already stolen months of my life, I'm not willing to give her any more. Remember, she only has power over you if you give it to her.

Rocked, I feel the same way ...

1. wishing H reading a book like ATA or NJF and
2. the constant anger cycle and thoughts of OW. Why do I let such an insignificant person take up my valuable energy? And I have been thinking about it way too much the last few days and have been finding the tears are coming back more frequently lately. *sigh* .

Hi Pearl and Maple,

Oh it would bring me great pleasure if I heard she was cheated on someday, or some terrible, painful life experience tore her life apart like she tore mine apart. I have these awful revenge fantasies that I can't believe even cross my mind.

The thing is, I have never been a vengeful person, an angry person, a bitter person...
So when I have these thoughts it is so foreign and alien to me and I hate it.
But, I have never had a reason to hate someone like this before. I have never had anyone wrong me so terribly before.
And, I just can't seem to get past it because there is no way to really get closure.
I do know that contact with her would do no good. If my H is right about his speculations about her having a personality disorder then ANY attention is like a drug to her... she would lap it up and love it. That is the last thing I want. No contact, pretending she doesn't exist is my best revenge. I know that. But I still just seethe inside and roll around in my head all the things I WISH I could say.

I have written a couple of letters to her to get that stuff out that I just ripped up after. Maybe I need to just keep doing that until I get it out of my system.

I know she is not worth it. I know I "won". So why is this so frickin' hard?

*sigh*

It's a process I guess.

Anyway, glad others understand....

Keep writing the letters and tearing them up, or burn them. Or take a boxing class and imagine her as the bag. That way you get exercise, GAL and work out your anger all at once!

hugs RW. There are a lot of feelings to process there and it's going to take time. I recovered from H having an affair before we were M so I can relate to those feelings, but I just want to remind you that H is the one who betrayed you. You can get caught up in thoughts of the OW because it doesn't feel safe to have that anger at your H, who you are reconciling with. But the anger at the OW puts you in a stuck place because you don't really have a R with her, it's H who you have a R with. Sorry if this is not a helpful line of thinking...

Now THERE'S an idea! I like!

Hi Flo,
You make a very good point, and I have thought of that. I do think a good part of the anger I have towards her is "misplaced" and really does belong with H. But, piecing makes it hard to let that all be directed at him. It is helpful and I appreciate it. I have talked with my IC about this, and she feels I will find ways to process more of the anger at H in time. I'm sure that is true. I actually do feel that happening to some extent. Sometimes it even worries me, because when I let myself really get in touch with it, I am sometimes not sure I will be able to fully forgive.

I always thought before this crisis, that my H cheating on me would be a dealbreaker. If I would think about that possibility, I would not imagine being able to live through the pain and devestation of something like that, and I always thought that would be it. Now that the unthinkable actually happened, with the kids, and on-going conversations with H about it all... it's not that simple.

But there is still a part of me that is not entirely sure that, ultimately, it isn't a deal breaker. It still might be. The jury's still out.

Anyway... had an unbelievably stressful day at work today, so much so that my boss sent me home early. Last thing I needed. I can feel some physical responses to the stress that I was having right after the PA bomb in November. So, I am just trying to breathe and ground myself in the moment.

Hi Rocked,

I know what that ongoing anger towards the OW feels like, how you know it's wasted energy, yet it's hard to stop your emotions from taking you there. I found it helpful, whenever she came up, to invoke karma--I would wish her whatever she put into the world, tenfold.

I figured, if she became a better person, that could only improve the world. If she continued to seek out married men, be self-pitying, refuse to take any blame, be a drama queen, and refuse to work on herself ... then the best she'd end up with would be a trail of miserable relationships. The choice was hers whether I was offering her a blessing or a curse. Then, having invoked karma, I'd force my mind to leave that subject.

Take care of yourself and try to relieve that stress with as much pampering as you can manage this weekend!