Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Thoughts about my sitch- help appreciated

Bradley,

I almost posted the exact same thing Bworl just posted to you...and would have if I didn't read his first.

Maybe today isn't the best day to be here for you. Maybe we shouldn't be giving you advice right now...because I think alot of it is going to be the same.

If one person calls you a horse, you punch him in the face.
If two people call you a horse, you should walk away.
If three people call you a horse, maybe its time to start looking at saddles.

Dude you know how I feel about you....so i decided to respond.

Take it FWIW....


So then stop spinning. You know YOU DO have a choice. You can choose to keep spinning or figure out a way to stop. Maybe that means not taking every one of her f**king calls.
Sorry dude.


Replace the word SHE with I and then answer the question. What do you want to do. Ya know someone on these boards pointed out to me that our WORDS should mirror our ACTIONS. If you already committed to something like moving to be closer to your kids - why not just stick to the plan? Why not just do what YOU want to do? At this point if it is cardiac surgery, then choose that just make sure YOU can live with the choices that YOU will make for YOU and YOUR KIDS.


So then don't and refer to my comments about about your words and actions.


Do YOU want to check out the Mass job? Once again all of your steps are based on what SHE wants. Maybe you should ask the kids and yourself what YOU guys want.


Must you take every call, respond to every text? Every time you respond, you allow her to pull you back in and then you do you change your mind about what you want to do (FTR - I'm guilty of the same but I can tell you the more you accept were you stand in your R the better it gets). Have you consider trying something different - like not responding to every call or text? What did Einstein say about doing the same thing over and over again...



Why that's nice...sounds like a "confused positive" if you ask me. Key word being confused. Will you allow yourself to be confused?


Man have I done this a ton of time...you seem to think like I still do sometimes that she is thinking logically, that there is the one thing that you can say or do to make her snap out of it. We'll you can't. Simple question buddy...I know this was asked of me early on in this process so I am going to remind you and me - DO YOU LOVE HER ENOUGH to go thru this? Actually, let me ask another question....DO YOU LOVE YOURSELF and HER to GO THRU THIS and live in limbo but detach so that you are not driving yourself crazy? Pls answer - you know how to reach me.


Yep - know the feeling but as I posted on your last thread - this is a choice that YOU make. BTW...have you thought that maybe she does not TRUST you either? Could trust be rebuilt - yes - does it take a ton of work - yes. Why would you wait to see if this work can be done? Read the above question to YOU.


Yes the faster you accept this IMO the faster you can heal and move forward with your life - whatever that life is.


Dude - do you want to move to Mass (hey you would be closer to me :))? Why do you keep doing EVERY freaking thing that SHE wants? Ya know why (remember I did and sometime still do the same)? Cause you still think that you can fix this....


Oh...she has all the control over YOU - wow dude - I thought you had control over you. Take your control back but don't be an as* about it. Maybe you will feel a little better. BTW have you asked yourself why she has so much control over you.



I think this is called a mid life crisis.


Know the feeling...I still do sometime..pissed me off on days until i realize that I cannot control her or anyone else for that matter...or sometime I realize that she is "ill" and real just cannot face her issues....or sometime I think wow did I blow - the key though...is learning NOT to think about it.

In closing, you know how I feel dude - we have discussed things in a lot of detail. I am not going to tell you what to do but as your friend here is what I suggest (and it is only a suggestion) that you think LONG and HARD about....

1) Why am I really doing this?
2) What do I really want (considering what I can control)?
3) What do my kids want (you can always be someone elses husband but you will always be your kids DAD).
4) What do I gain by filing or calling it day that I do not gain by just focusing on the above 3 questions.

Dude - I hope I did not piss you off and you know I care about you - stop spinning please...stop. Sit back and think about the questions above. Maybe if you do for some period of time longer than a week or two (FTR I am also talking to myself) you may have enought CONSISTENT CLARITY to make the right choices for YOU and YOUR KIDS.

God Bless,
Eric

jack said to be nice

(deep breath)

ummmmmmmmmm

(deep breath)

Ok

Bradley...

everyone has done their best to gently lead you and show you the other side of things

KNOCK IT OFF

holy hell batman...you are your own worst enemy and you are pretty bad...
are you ever happy with anything that doesn't fall into your plan of how things should be?

I thought you had already decided about this job
why the frick are you going back there
if I were your wife I would have whiplash already

make a freakin decision already

if you can't hack it then blame yourself and get out
stop stringing her along if you aren't going to take what she is doing serioulsy

she is confused
she is trying
she is reaching out

and

as soon as she does

you jack the ball away from her and run screaming around the playground about the game YOU want to play

Nut up or shut up
you're in or you're out

stop riding the fence

and

I swear on all that is holy if your career comes into play one more time.....

YOU are YOU...surgeon or not
doctor or not

you have to be a man 1st

be one

My question is if she had cancer and was dying would you treat her the same way? What would be the most important thing?

She has got a disease. Depression. MLC whatever, she doesn't act the way you want her to. Is that her fault? If I have heart disease is that my fault? You won't help me because I have heart disease and need surgery. ????? and I say ILYBINILWY so you won't help me.

Listen to what you are saying and WHY?

Bill- There probably is a sliver of a chance... yes. That's why I'm still standing. As for trust, you mention most of you would have said that early on... but how many of you ever really did trust again?

Brooklyn-- I'm not sure what I want for me anymore. that's kindof hard to figure out. I'm a bit lost these days. What I know I do want is to be in my kids lives, to see them every day. Ideally I would want to be able to put them to bed, read them stories... be there for them when they wake in the night. I think for now I should be able to see them pretty regularly starting in two weeks.

Eric- thanks again for all your thoughts and support friend. you are a really really great friend and I'm lucky to know you.

Fig- I was ok with bagging on the job. but she really wanted to check it out. yes I think there is part of her that is doing it because it would allow me to stay in cardiac surg. but we are both from new england, its on the coast-- cool town.. and I do believe there is a part of her that feels perhaps a new start for all of us, up there... would be the thing to do. this is what she says. I'm looking at it as at least a chance to get away for the weekend with her and see what that is like... will have to keep expectations way down though.

its a big deal for her for me to give up heart surgery as well. she was there in the trenches with me. she sacrificed a lot for it.

you are right though that I feel sometimes that I want the game played my way...

OP-- this take is probably the best way to deal with it. and I treat her very well, so yea if she were dying I'd probably treat her the same way... I pretty much deny her nothing. I support her. I try to help her with her projects, her problems. I want nothing more than to support and help her.

one thing I am working on is trying to be positive with her. despite what you all think! I am trying to be positive.

You cannot come to trust, you cannot come to forgive, you cannot forgive, quit.

I do by the way.

Bradley,

Understand, that we only 'see' the side of you that present to us.

You show us a whiney bitch...and that is what we see.

Conversely, you show us a strong guy...and THAT is what we see.

Wow Bradley,

Another day in the trenches…

I feel for you…

To answer your question about trust…

I trusted again. I trusted again just to have that trust thrown away.

And in a new R, I am trusting again. Sure it is hard as hell, it is scary, but you know what?

It is more than worth it.

Bradley,

I don’t really see you standing. I see you martyring yourself.

You are not really doing the work yet. Not really.

You are still stuck in the “world according to Bradley”.

You haven’t even yet really committed to standing or not standing…

You have committed to seeing what your W is doing and responding in some fashion…

OP asked you, and your answer was not really satisfactory to me…

So I will put it the way I put it to your buddy Eric yesterday…

If your W was in an institution…

And you had no idea if or when she was going to get well…

HOW would you live YOUR life?

Yes, waiting for a time to see if she gets better I am sure…

But WHAT would you be doing with yourself and your time?

Sitting there and feel sorry for yourself because she was sick, and maybe never coming home? And constantly focusing on what you were not getting from her?

Or pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and make the best of what was in your life at the time, and possibly actually finding ways to make yourself better? While hoping and praying that she would recover…knowing that she may not, and that maybe SOMEDAY you would have to deal with that part of it, but not today…

You are way to worried about the outcome of your marriage…

tell me how you really feel jack

no seriously. I appreciate it. I probably need to hear this more.

this is helpful. especially if it is true... that she is sick...