Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers A teenage parenting question........

Yikes - this is a lot to think about. I THINK that I've made it very clear that she does not have my "permission." I appreciate though that it appears that way. I've only tried to create an atmosphere of being open and honest about it all. I am pretty confident that "it" hasn't happened yet, just as I am confident that nothing I can say will STOP her from doing anything. I will be sitting down to draft a letter to my D about my position and what this all means.....including the points raised by SDFG....and btw she is 16, bf is 17..........

Here's a link to the Oprah article. On the actual program, I know she was asking the direct question about whether they were prepared to die...don't see it on the list now though. Still think that's a good question:

http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Questions-for-Teens-Who-Want-to-Have-Sex

And for what it's worth, though you're writing a letter, I think you should sit down and have a face to face conversation. It's easier to blow off the questions if you never have to respond out loud to someone.

SD

I certainly feel for you. I would not want to go through those teenage years with my kids again. Once is enough. Don't know that I'm any smarter, however, even after experiencing teen parenting years. It is a very tough job. I look at teaching sex like I see other very important things in our children's lives. You teach them the best you can, giving them your insight, and then pray real hard that they do the right thing. If they don't do the right thing, somehow we get through it and continue to love them.....b/c they are ours.

I feel for you too. Nonetheless, it's a wonderful thing that she feels comfortable to talk to you about it. I wouldn't even assume that she hasn't already been active.

Tell her clearly what you think is right; be her parent not her friend. This includes making sure she continues to be comfortable talking with you, even when she goes against your wishes.

I have a great relationship with my D17. Last year, she came to me (and w) and asked for birth control. Even with our strong level of communication, it was very hard for her. She eventually explained that she had already been active with her BF of a year.
Of course, it shook me up! We had already had all the detailed conversations outlined in the suggestions already given you.
We also had limited her opportunities to be alone with the boy. SO, she resorted to lies inorder to have a chance to "consummate her love". She called it the "greatest day of her life". sigh.
We were understanding, but gave her some pretty strong consequences.

Now, a year later she told me that she regrets how she had her "first time", and that she was too young to make that decision.

My suggestions to you:
Prepare and inform her the best you can,
Be a Parent and set boundaries and examples,
Be prepared for her to make these big mistakes,
Keep the lines of communication open.

I'm with robx on that one. If they are too young to face the consequences, then they are too young.

Easy to say. Then what?

I was going to leave it, but I think I'll say a little more. It seems to me, that when you try to deal with absolutes like that with an older teen (I'm not talking 12 or 13 here), you are more or less abdicating your responsibility as a parent. You set an absolute that you know (or at least highly expect) is going to be broken, and then when it is, you can wash your hands, and say, "I told you so."

I'm not saying that you should friend about it. I'm more saying that you have to help lead them to all of the best information you can, and hope that they then make good choices for their life.

Teens of that age are in a tough place. They are too young to really make good choices, and too old to accept "because I said so" as a good reason to do, or not do, something. It calls for using all of the things you've learned in your life, and about them as they are growing up. It's the best chance you have, in my opinion.

This comes from someone who didn't have sex until they were engaged, so I know it can be done. But.....

From what I have seen in the trash, I'm fairly confident that S22 and probably 20 have.... I haven't heard of any grandkids, so at least they seem to be using a small amount of sense!

I just looked at your first post, didn't read all of the replies. I'm a mom of a D16. Yes the world is quite different now then when we were 16. My daughter shares lots of information with me, sometimes to much, sometimes I feel "I didn't need to know that" hahaha.

I know the sexual history of 1/2 of the kids in her grade - she tells me all. We live in an urban, affluent, upper-middle class area. So this may surprise you. Some of the 16-year old girls already had multiple sex partners, quite a few of them 5 - 8 sexual partners and I'm talking intercourse, oral sex apparently doesn't count into that. Some of these girls don't even date the boys...it's that casual.

I feel lucky that my daughter (like yours) has a long term relationship, with someone she trust and loves. Yes we did talk (quite a bit) about protection, STD's and such. That's all you can do, give her information. There are some excellent web sites for teens that deal with sexual issues, so you may want to refer her to those...she can find the information she needs.

Check this one out. Read it first to see if it doesn't offend you or your religious believes.

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexuality

I guess I'll be the dissenting voice here. I think that teenagers are artificially infantilized in North America. Although teenagers aren't necessarily ready for all of the emotional and biological (pregnancy, STDs) consequences of sex...IMO that doesn't mean that parents should take a hardline stance against sex. Anyway, any parent who thinks that they can stop their teenager from having sex is delusional. Better to provide the tools and support IMO. Dianamo, your D sounds like she's pretty responsible and she's going to follow her own life path.

I lost my virginity at barely 17 and I have no regrets. It was great . I was ready...as ready as we ever are to take that physical and emotional risk.

I'm writing as a mother who has a tendency to be overprotective, so I "get" that.

Behind you FM.. Ok their teenagers but their not babies either! If you say NO well they are gonna do it anyway.. you can advise no and give your reasons, but you cant make them. Ive always had a very open relationship with S(21) and yes he has been sleeping with his GF of two years, but I'd rather he be fully aware of all the consequences and know he can come back to me for help, than like me who my mum still swore babies were made behind the gooseberry bush and I was an immaculate conception. I waited till eighteen and I would advise any teenage of mine to do so.. Im like you D thirty years later and still just the one, some thing to be proud of I think, but all the same nothing to be ashamed of either in this day and age if you end up doing it with the wrong person the first time! Just make sure you D knows what ever happens you will be there for her!