Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Just another broken heart

I am feeling a bit stronger today. I have bought new car, arranged to go for a hike and then cinema next week with friends and the local rambling group, and had a fulfilling day at work. I know deep down that I have both the moral high ground and the sensible attitude in all of this - I'm not the one so obviously on the rebound with someone totally incompatible. In fact come to think of it both the W and the OM are actually on the rebound! It can't possibly work out for them. I found out today that the OM has suddenly started buying outdoors equipment presumably to go hiking with my wife whilst away together. I wish I could be a fly on the wall for that. The OM will be scared of a) breaking a nail, and b) having to wear items of clothing that cost less than £2000 and are distinctly practical rather than beautiful.

The rollercoaster is indeed tough. I've been incredibly low during the last couple of months, and still find myself thinking fleetingly about ending it all almost every day, although I know that I wouldn't do it. Friends are understandably starting to give less support - they have their own lives to lead and can't be propping me up all the time. Besides, most of them are either married or about to get married and I'm sure I'm not a good reminder of what can happen even with the best intentions. It's a good job I'm starting to feel a little bit more myself and able to handle my own company. Something that the W obviously couldn't handle!

I wish I had more patience and less anger.

I've busied myself as far as possible today, and am trying to steel myself for having to attend a wedding reception this evening, which will be difficult as my own was only 7 months ago.

Does anyone out there have anymore advice on what I can do in essentially the situation where my W is in love with OM and I moved out 2 months ago when she asked me to? No kids, so no contact really. The only remaining issue between us is some money she owes me and the legal aspects of divorce which will be easy as we have no shared financial assets of note. I'm doing my best to GAL. I don't know how else to proceed, I don't think she will be open to any suggestions until the OM is firmly off the radar. I've exposed their behaviour at work (I work with the OM) and to her family. He was single until they started to have a public relationship 2 weeks after the bomb.

Should I include dating in my GAL? I couldn't handle a relationship, but wonder if going out on dates would help me with distancing myself, or give the WAW some food for thought.

Just been to Marriage Builders and been told to just forget her as she's not worth it if she can cheat on me after only 6 months of marriage.

Maybe they're right.

I still can't totally let go though.

That's your decision and yours alone. No-one else can decide that for you.

You have to remember your W is in lust, not love.....even if it turns to love later. However, judging by OM's past history, it won't last.

If you want another chance I think you are going to have to wait it out, and to be honest I would go dark on her.

Are you sure that the stuff with OM wasn't going on longer than you have stated - something just seems a bit fishy about the speed with which he moved in on your W.

Personally, I wouldn't date - you are vulnerable. However, I would socialise and make sure you have little time to brood. Also, take the 'high road' approach and act better than W and OM so there is no come back on you.

http://www.oxytocin.org/oxytoc/love-science.html

You might find the above article interesting to read.

I'm hoping it's all just limerance and they'll have a cataclysmic break up soon. I do want another chance. I think everyone deserves another chance, including the wife. At the moment I hope that they have the disaster whilst I still hold some hope of reconciliation and that the wife also starts to backpedal from divorce. I don't think I could hold on to that hope for much more than 6 months, but will try.

I've no idea about how long it was going on. I didn't introduce them until around 3 months before the break up, and they didn't really become friends until around November last year. It can only have happened since then. There's not really a lot of temporal space when you've only been married 6 months. I don't believe a word they say from the fog, despite them saying it only happened after we broke up, and have only email evidence from around 3 weeks after it happeend of "I love you so much." He moved just as quick on one of the previous marriage break ups, again a matter of a couple of weeks, and again in the 'comforting' role.

I am socialising like mad (probably to the detriment of my career, but at the moment I just can't face hitting the books for the final set of exams), trying to make new friends, new hobbies etc. I am completely dark except for the occasional email to remind her about the money she owes me, which is free of emotion and purely business like. I'm steering well clear of both of them as much as possible.

Nice article. I like to think of the wife and OM as sex craved drug addicts indeed!

The sitting on my hands is killing me. I want to phone her and shake her and tell her what an absolutely immoral, uncaring, hurtful cow she's been. Tell her how much disruption and hurt she's caused me - it's been more than I ever thought possible.

I don't know if I'm strong enough to survive this betrayal, let alone wait and watch the two of them enjoying themselves and having so much fun with their outings and holidays and 'I love you so much'ness. It stabs me to the core.

lees,

you are strong enough. i promise you. it's hard to tap into that strength when so much of your energy goes into feeling angry and hurt.

love can certainly make you think that you depend on your wife in order to be happy, but you were happy before you met her and no doubt you can be happy again. certainly she has hurt you and disrupted the life you had planned with her, but you choose how you react to that hurt. calling someone you love an immoral, uncaring, hurtful cow won't really get you anywhere, and feeling that way about her won't really help, either.

i'm reading this book right now called "storms don't hurt the sky" which is a buddhist approach to dealing with divorce. now i am not a buddhist, nor do i know much about buddhism, but i do know that i do not want to carry hurt and anger in my heart, nor do i want to flail around for the next few months and years, wasting my energies wondering why on earth this is happening to ME??? the author himself went through a divorce and talks about finding his way out of anger. i've only been reading it for a few days and i already feel i'm taking a calmer approach to what's happening in my life right now. maybe it could help you deal with some of the anger and hurt you're feeling now.

don't date to spite your W or to distract yourself...that's not really fair to the person you're dating. date if and when you're ready. people are not to be used as distractions to the pain you're feeling right now.

I don't know if I'm strong enough to survive this betrayal, let alone wait and watch the two of them enjoying themselves and having so much fun with their outings and holidays and 'I love you so much'ness. It stabs me to the core.


I feel exactly what you are feeling right now but you have to stay strong for You. My thoughts are with you Lees.

I second luvless.
You are asking yourself "Am I strong enough?"
Well, life is giving you an opportunity here to
find out that actually, YOU ARE!

If I can take only one positive thing out of this terrible
crisis, for me it'd be: I'm stronger than I thought it was.

And I wouldn't have found this out if it wasn't for this.
Embrace it.

Thanks for your support, my thoughts are with you.

F

Today I have been more proactive. Been for a 10 mile hike with the local ramblers group, even though weather is awful. Paid car tax, sorted out new postal redirect, and decided I will after all sit my final professional exams in 12 months time, did some food shopping.

Meant to be off to cinema tonight, but undecided as to whether I will attend alone as my friend cannot now come along.

Found out the WAW has postponed the start of her new job till May. Perhaps she is struggling after all, or perhaps she wishes to spend more time with the OM before she has to sit in a car for 3hrs each day or else stay away from home some evenings. She's redecorating the house too. Perhaps she will sell it and run away completely from the mess she's made. I know the OM won't follow her. He's all too tied up in this city, far too work focussed and afraid of moving to another region where his professional reputation would have to be started again from scratch. It's a tough world when you've got every job through manipulation and undoing your fly rather than the conventional job interview method and having a decent CV.

Tomorrow I'm on a long day on call at work, and on Friday I'm going up to Scotland for a long weekend in my house up there to check what remains to be done before the next tenants can be arranged. So busy busy.

And I'm still waiting for that ever so slow karma bus to stop nearby. Some eejit knocked the wing mirror off my car today.