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tbart01 Offline OP
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i read about that meg. hope you find me so we can follow each others sitch. Sometimes i wish my W would find this site.

I have been doing good for about four days now. I'm starting to fall into a funk again, and it's to close to going home.


Married 18
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D 15
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NOOO u dont want her to know ANYTHING about this.. trust me, i learned the hard way... dont ask her to read the book at all, its tempting, i had H read just a small portion... didnt resignate with him at ALL and now he knows my sources... I think you are doing good, you will have ups and downs... but its so important to bite your tongue when you get home and not start getting into M talks and getting all sad and sappy... its hard to stop it but you gotta do it


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tbart,

You are going into a funk for a few reasons:

1. You are resisting what already is. Fighting against something that already exists.

2. You think you know how this is all going to play out. Intellectually you know you don't know, but inside you, you see the future like an unraveling ball of yarn - where your life just implodes and crushes you. Depression is our emotional reaction to how we interpret our lives will be affected by what is happening now.

I just heard a great quote in a movie:

"Sometimes in life, the hardest choice is knowing which bridge to cross and which bridge to burn"

I'm not sure if you know the 5 stages of death and dying by Kubler Ross. These are the stages people go through when they are experiencing a loss.

* Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
* Anger (why is this happening to me?)
* Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
* Depression (I don't care anymore)
* Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

I cycled through them...sometimes rapidly. Sometimes slowly. I still move through them but at a much slower pace. Sitting in acceptance most of the time.

You will go through this. Feel fine for a few days, then a rough day or few days, sometimes an hour good an hour bad, etc...

It's normal. When they hit just be aware it's just a cycle and it will pass onto something else. I also know what it's like to be stuck on that merry go round and not be able to get off. It's a difficult position to be in.

This too shall pass.


MySitch
Me-47
STBXW-41
D-5
S-8
ILYBNILWY-01/08
Want a D- 01/09
Physical Sep-01/10
D filed-06/10
Got 50% custody=09/11
Ride that wave!
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tbart01 Offline OP
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once again Steady thank you. This merry go round really sucks. I d have good stretches and then bad stretches. It just sucks right now because I'm so close to going home yet it seems so far away. I have cycled through all these stages, and I keep cycling.

Also, my dream yesterday involved something bad happening to my D14, so that has me down. Anything can potentialy set off the cycle...I'm tired of it.


Married 18
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W 37
D 15
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Back after 4 1/2 years of working of saving my marriage. But to no avail. We still live in the same house. She cheated on me before I went to Iraq in 2005 and I was sure she was still doing so since I got back in 2006. Three weeks ago I found out for sure that she was having an affair with the next door neighbor. Two days later she sent me an email stating she wanted us to meet with her lawyer to start divorce proceedings. Now she is hounding me to move out of the house. Need some advice.
M - 48
w - 44
M - 24 years
D - 19
D- 12

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tbart01 Offline OP
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wow mud that wasn't a good story to hear at all. Sorry about that man.

Surviving like I said before I would never suggest this book to her, or even tell her have it. I just think the first few chapters say allot to the one wanting the D. However, where there mind is they wouldn't see or believe anything they read.

Before I knew there was anything wrong I emailed some stuff home regarding the deployed member and the spouse. It was describing the different feelings, and she replied with "are you kidding, this doesn't apply in todays age". I knew I was on my own at that point.


Married 18
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W 37
D 15
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ok surviving is me...i didnt realize they would change my name so quickly...

but yes you are right, they wont see it... H def didnt see it.. i felt like i wanted to shake him like H look at this!! see, its ok you feel this way...its textbook! but they make excuses like how that doesnt apply to them

I think you will be ok... you know there will be ups and downs, so when they come, you know its normal... just keep it together better than i did...


Me: 25
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tbart01 Offline OP
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I truly feel I will be ok as well. Like I've mentioned many times before, it's not being home yet that's made it so difficult.

I'm like you and my friend steady, in that I don't like the person my W has been through this. If she changed her mind as soon as I got home, I wouldn't be able to do it. I need to get over what has been said by her throughout this.

They get so wrapped up in how they feel they can't see anything else. My W has convinced herself that these things are truth, and there's absolutely no way to make them see it any other way. On top of that, I still don't know all of what's going through her mind. I get it in little bits and pieces.

I'm trying to hang in there until I'm able to get home. I wish we were all part of some support group where we could all hook up and talk.


Married 18
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W 37
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Divorce Filed 8 April 2010
Beginning of Reconcile 8 Sept
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tbart01 Offline OP
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Today my W is having tubes put in her ear. I wish I was home to be the one taking care of her. Right now she would say that I've never taken care of her when she was sick, there have been times, but I've been taking care of her our entire marriage. She's been back and forth to the hospital our entire marriage, deathly ill at one point, and I've always been there for her.

This is that merry go round my friend steady was talking about. i keep thinking what it will be like when I go home. I have no hope of anything spectacular. I'm actually terrified that she won't even care that I'm home. However, she's said to myself and others that she really wants me out of "This God Forsaken Country". She also wants me to be able to sleep in my bed and be in my house. I once told her my bed is the one where she's next to me, so it isn't my bed. That was some time ago.

She wants me to call her tonight to see how her procedure went. She's always asking about me as well. The mind will wander won't it?

Last edited by tbart01; 03/31/10 02:38 PM.

Married 18
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Originally Posted By: tbart01
...This is that merry go round my friend steady was talking about. i keep thinking what it will be like when I go home. I have no hope of anything spectacular. I'm actually terrified that she won't even care that I'm home. However, she's said to myself and others that she really wants me out of "This God Forsaken Country". She also wants me to be able to sleep in my bed and be in my house. I once told her my bed is the one where she's next to me, so it isn't my bed. That was some time ago.

She wants me to call her tonight to see how her procedure went. She's always asking about me as well. The mind will wander won't it?


You need to stop thinking stuff like that,
you only make your situation worse,
you're in a war zone but you are "terrified" about the fact she won't even care when you're home, do you see how this situation is affecting your perception of reality?

You are still to attached to be able to DB effectively, focus on letting go, stop caring so much, just make sure you're healthy and alive and focus on your kids - GET A GRIP!!!

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