Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Number 8's Revelations, Mistakes, and New Methods

flowmom, it hasn't felt like pursuing because my H has never felt pursued by me. He has felt overlooked and ignored, and he has felt alone.

I think that the space I gave him when he first left helped give him time to think and breathe. However, when I ignored him and did not contact him, I only made him feel more overlooked, ignored, and alone. I was proving his point that he was in a bad marriage with a wife who could do just fine with or without him.

Of course, keep in mind that my recent communication with him has not been over the top (meaning entirely too frequent on my part). I don't stalk him or call and go on a crying jag. However, in this past week, my recent showing of emotions (even crying) has pulled him closer because that was something I didn't do before. He has felt useful and for lack of a better term, manly. I now see that these were feelings he desperately needed in our marriage.

Bottom line--my 180 has not felt like pursuing to me because my 180 involves the opposite of the way I previously handled things. It has endeared me to him, and I can tell that it has made him feel protective and important.

180s are supposed to feel counter-intuitive, right? Well, being raw and exposed and vulnerable feels counter-intuitive to me. Leaning on someone for support feels counter-intuitive to me. Therefore, I'll keep going down this road and continue to monitor my results.

meghunny, I did some similar things when my H and I first separated. They were mistakes for me then, too. As I mentioned in my above response to flowmom's thread, I needed to give him some time and space. He was too angry at me then to appreciate a card, a kind note, or my thoughts of love for him. He had let all his anger build up, and my words or deeds then only added fuel to the fire.

However, I'll reiterate (more for myself than anyone!) that by ignoring him, not contacting him, and acting the way I did only seemed like more of the same behavior to him. He had already felt ignored and alone, so by doing what I did, I just gave him more of the same. I had told him that I would change--promised that I could--but my actions were showing that I wasn't doing it. My rationale for my behavior seemed logical to me, and when I explained it last week, he even allowed that he could see why I would do that. However, he also told me in so many words that this backfired! It was just more of the same, and it temporarily pushed him further away.

Now that I know this, I know what's right for my situation. However, people who have pursued should do what is a 180 for them. My H wants to feel noticed, loved, and included. That's the direction I have to go, but that may not be what works for everyone.

I too think I made more problems by following MLR too closely. My husband, who feels I'm not "crazy" about him and wants to feel "crazy" about someone else, says he no longer feels the same about me. When I started going a lot wo him, not contacting him, he said "see I was right. You aren't crazy about me and you're just moving right along".

So I've modified things and am still working at the right combination.

Amazing stuff N8, youre right its not all about pursuing but applying the right 180's in right situation.. My H had got sick and tired of clinging idendantless Mrs Rabbit.. really was no need for it but it had just happened over time. We have a long way to go but if its any help 180's Ive done that have helped once we got going were!

Getting off my butt to go talk to him and give him a kiss in the kitchen if he was cooking.

Cuddle time is at 9pm every night just about

Cuddle time in the morning means me waking up for a bit earlier to have a cuddle before getting going

Letting things go that I would have wanted to control, let him learn by his own mistakes rather than me telling him it wont work even if I know that!

Occasional cards to thanks for things and also noticing things and saying thankyou!

Never take for granted he knows some thing communicate!

I'd say youve got things moving if you take it steady the next few weeks are going to be interesting for you both!

It really sounds like you're on the right track. I hope you're keeping a solution journal and tracking the micro-responses to your actions. Why don't you set some DB goals in your thread here?

amg2, it sounds like we have a somewhat similar situation. How have things been working for you since you've modified your approach to your H?

Thanks, LR! I am glad you said this:

"Never take for granted he knows some thing communicate!"

I have made the mistake (for some time now, obviously) by thinking that if he had something on his mind, then he would tell me. Boy, was I wrong! I'm going to take every opportunity to listen to what he has to communicate, and I'll make it possible for him to talk. I'll also make it possible for him to support me and "protect" me, since that's something that he needs.

flowmom, I hope I'm on the right track. I don't want to scare him off with my openness (though it's something he has so craved), but everything is an experiment right now (as you know).

I have been keeping a journal as well as sharing things here. It's a good idea to put up some goals on this thread, though. Thanks for the suggestion!

N8

I think it is great that you realized that DBing is NOT a one size fits all band aid. It is doing what works for YOU. You are doing well. Keep it up!!!

Thanks, kara! I appreciate your support. Have you found methods that work well for you?