Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again First Piecing Thread

LOL. Did you and Puppy talk to S17. You should have heard him when I said I was going to surprise W with a short trip! "you guys are always going away, blah, blah, blah". I responded "um....you'll be 18 in a week and your parents are going away for a long weekend and you're complaining??????" And he said "I see your point (with a huge smile on his face).

Hope4us, Puppy has told me to seek you out. Can you take a look at my sitch on peacing and just give me your advice based on your experiences.

Thank you,

Burt

How are you guys doing, H4U?? How about an update, ol' friend?

Hope all is well in Hopeland. I was at the Land of the Mouse yesterday, and thought of you guys.

Puppy

Hi Pup. Doing ok, thanks for asking. Don't look at DB much anymore. Every once in a while. W is working some OT today and I ran around a bit this morning picking up Mothers Day stuff, paying some bills, etc and had a couple minutes before she gets home, so I thought I'd take a look.

We're going to the land of the mouse in about a month. Really looking forward to it, as is W.

Our youngest turned 18 a month ago, he graduates in a couple weeks, signed him up for the local community college last week. He's going to take Paramedic training which will lead him into either the Fire Fighting program or the RN program. He's not sure which yet. I suspect he'll head to the RN program. One of his good friends parents are both RN's and he really likes and respects them and the jobs they both do, so I think that's where he'll eventually go.

We're just plugging along. I'm finding that most of the issues I have now are all self inflicted. Case in point. Remember the Facebook thing I was so worried about a month or so ago. Well, just yesterday I discovered that when you check out the CNN website that it puts a Facebook "cookie" out there on your browser. W looks at CNN almost daily. So all that time I was worried about her looking at OM's FB page and it was just her checking out CNN.

Other than that, things are pretty normal. I'm actually learning more about myself than anything. Things that before I would think were her issues I'm discovering are more how I react or the thoughts in my own head. Learning more that there are so many triggers from this mess that sometimes I don't even realize why I'm so upset until I really examine just what's going on.

Like this week. W has had a VERY BAD week at work, including the OT today. She had to be at work at 6:00 this morning and Mrs H4U is NOT a morning person. So earlier this week I had to catch myself when I was beginning to become selfish when I wasn't getting the attention from her that I've come to expect/enjoy. And this OT today is a HUGE trigger for me. 3 years ago around this time is when I first became really concerned about her "friendship" with OM. She had to work a Saturday then for the same reason as today (they're conducting a pre-employment test for 11 open positions at her work).

I had gone on a bird watching hike that day. When the next cell phone bill came in I took a look at it and she was calling/texting OM while she was "working" and after she was done she went to his apartment to hook up (which I figured out later as one of the people she was working with mentioned being done around 12:30 and W told me she was working til 3 and then went out for some drinks with coworkers for a couple hours, which was another lie).

So anyway, her having to work today for the testing has made the last week or so pretty tough for me. But I didn't figure out why I was feeling so apprehensive for the last week until just a day or two ago. Once I figured that out, I was able to deal with the anger/sadness.

Other than that, doing well. W and I still have our issues, but it's becoming more and more like normal couples have. But the difference now is that when either of us does something that annoys the other, we bring it up and it's over before it gets out of hand.

Thanks for asking. Talk to you later.

Hey my dear DB friends. It's been a couple months since I even looked at DB and with where W and I are, I'm thinking I won't be looking much at the boards, if at all, going forward.

I kind of have mixed emotions about it. I'd love to hang around and help others thru the most painful experience one can go thru, but at the same time, I know when I read other's threads, it affects me and our recovery.

And this past weekend something happened that tells me we are pretty much recovered.

W and I were out checking out some shops in Amish Country near us and this song came on the radio. W says "hey! this is the song I've wanted you to hear for a long time" and proceeds to turn it up quite loud. Here are the lyrics.....

Little Lion Man:

Weep for yourself, my man,
you'll never be what is in your heart
weep little lion man,
you're not as brave as you were at the start
rate yourself and rake yourself,
take all the courage you have left
wasted on fixing all the problems
that you made in your own head

but it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
I really f****d it up this time
didn't I, my dear?
didn't I, my...

tremble for yourself, my man,
you know that you have seen this all before
tremble little lion man,
you'll never settle for any of your scores
your grace is wasted in your face,
your boldness stands alone among the wreck
learn from your mother or else spend your days biting your own neck

but it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
I really f****d it up this time
didn't I, my dear?

but it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
I really f****d it up this time
didn't I, my dear?
didn't I, my dear?

but it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
I really f*****d it up this time
didn't I, my dear?

but it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
I really f*****d it up this time
didn't I, my dear?
didn't I, my dear?

And W just stared out the window the whole time it was playing.

And when we got home that night it was pretty passionate....

I could go on, but I should just end with this. To all my friends (you know who you are) who helped me when I was at my lowest points, thank you will never be enough.

To all those still struggling with a wayward spouse, 8 things I've learned....(well, there's more than 8, but....)

1) It's not about you or anything you've done. Waywards will justify and rationalize EVERYTHING to make what they're doing someone elses fault. Own your own chit that contributed to the marriage breakdown, because we all have chit we can work on, but NEVER take responsibility for your spouses A. That's all on them.
2) Never take ANYTHING your wayward spouse says to or about you personally. They really are in an F'd up place.
3) The A MUST end before your marriage has a chance, and rarely does the little bo peep method work.
4) Once the A ends, more compassion and patience than you ever knew were possible will be required to save your marriage.
5) Once the A ends and waywards begin to come out of the fog, they have their own he** to deal with.
6) Do NOT hold it over their heads forever. It only leads to road bumps in your marriage recovery.
7) Your marriage can be saved. Some can not, but some can. And NO ONE will blame you if YOU decide to call it quits if your spouse has cheated on you. Some people can't get over it even with a repentant spouse.
8) If you're one of the lucky ones to save your marriage, don't ever take your spouse for granted. A second chance is a gift. Mine was within days of a divorce being filed, and here we are today talking about retirement and our future grandkids and ML multiple times a week.

That's the gist of it.

Good bye and good luck. I hope things work out the way you want them to.

H4U.

Good luck H4U on your new future together. I know your W and mine were very similar, so I'm praying for the same outcome as yours.

Take care my friend.

A Note to all Newcomers, Piecers and those Currently Suffering from the Hell that is Infidelity:

You would be wise, indeed, to do a search of Hope4Us's past posts, and study his entire volume of work. If MulesQB's is the best example I can think of of a marriage that ENDED, nevertheless, being successfully DB'd, then Hope4Us's is the best example that I've ever seen here on a succesfully-RECONCILED marriage. The best mix of tough stance exposure, combined with an unrelenting patience in the face of a formerly wayward spouse's initial stubbornness and unrepentance.

Mulesqb
Hope4Us

You can't go wrong to study those two guys. They truly embody "Strength and Honor" in their DBing.

All my best to you and your wife, H4U. And may I add -- with apologies to my old friend Hairdog --

. . . "lucky bastard."

Puppy

I am so glad that I got to know you and you helped me through some rough spots too. You both are incredibly lucky and well deserving of the new life you have created. Never stop working, never stop loving and never take a precious moment for granted again.

I just love that you really never gave up hope!!

Big hugs, kat

H4U, you really need to consider posting the bottom half of this post over in Infidelity and in Newcomers. ESPECIALLY since you're, you know, blowing outta here and not sharing your wisdom and experience with the nooobs on an ongoing basis, I think it's the leeeaaast you could do, ol' buddy . . .

Just sayin'.

Puppy

Good to hear H4U! And I completely understand the mixed feelings about sticking around or not. For me, I've found it kind of theraputic during the challenging times helping others out and even talking to (x)W OPENLY about everything she was thinking/feeling to get a better grasp than I had before.

Hey PUP, what am I? Chopped liver? LOL, geesh, even went all the way through the complete hell of a divorce and turned it all around. Granted, a lot of my approaches can be deemed as 'unorthodox' to the DB method, but in the end.......