Oh, and I have all our old threads where he talked about the EA he had a few years ago, to show that he's a repeat offender. MIL/FIL agreed to come with when I speak to his/our friends so that they can back me up - so instead of being my word against his, it's mine, theirs and even his as I have his written word on the last EA.
sounds pretty much like you have everything you need...
I do find it amusing about the 4-6 weeks, and his being a repeat offender...not amusing for you, but that "history repeats iself/ we're destined to relive the same R/pattern unless we deal."
Passenger, please post on the Retrouvaille thread about how to handle exposure WRT to Retro. I gave you the link in the other thread. People who have been to it (esp Lotus) will be able to advise you.
Also, please read through the thread that I linked to above. That poster has been coached through the process by quite a few of the vets (though you're getting great help here too ), but more familiarity with what works will help you to plan a strategy for your sitch. The vets pretty much advise the same approach in most sitches.
Remember to breathe and don't do anything without a plan. You are probably not in a condition to do anything today, for example.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
No need to feel ashamed, we were all young and I think most people have some brush with infidelity sometime between high school and their thirties... at least that appears to be the norm.
I guess you can get a lot of benefit from this too... you very likley KNOW what your H is telling her that's a lie. You CAN properly INFORM OW of these lies if you chose to confront her.
You sound like you have quite a bit of support already and have exposed to a certain number already.
I am wondering actually... I will have to leaev this to the people who have been to Retro. to answer but...
Maybe Retro wont HELP when an affair is happening... but is there a high risk of any DAMAGE being done to the marriage for going to retro under these cirucmstances?
I am wondering now.. can it HURT?
Out of curiosity P, how many affairs has your H had in total that you know of? He sounds like what Shirley Glass calls a "romance addict"
He is a romance addict, coupled with having an inability to face problems. I don't know which problems made him come to me, but the first EA was when his son came to live with us, we had financial problems and his ExW was being a total witch, plus I had started volunteering for a dog rescue organization and not spending time with him. This time it's financial, twins came to live with us, ExW being nutcase, etc. When I read in her book that some are romance addicts, I had a chill because my first thought was "how do you combat that?"
My thought also was "can it hurt?" Maybe it can help, who knows. It's not refundable... I called our host couple and they are looking for someone with experience to speak to me over the phone. Even in all of this, I believe in this man. I know he's an alien now, a liar, and so many other unattractive things... but I believe in him with all of my heart and soul. I know that inside he wants to remain married and if he had his way, he'd never be in this position. He's also addicted to the infatuation chemicals.
Well, I think you can maybe understand why his ex wife is so difficult can't you?
I am not slighting you, I honestly think you are in an excellent position to know what's happening with your H from the OW's side since you've been there.
How do you combat romance addiction?
Reality, its the only way to combat a fantasy. He needs treatment for this.
But the first order of business is getting RID of OW. You can't do a dent while she's attacking your marriage right?
You have to at some point set some boundaries though... right now it looks like you are willing to take your H back no consequences.. if you do that, he's just going to do this again.
Actually, ExW is difficult because she's difficult. I gave her the DR book a while ago when she was about to D from her current H and she thanked us and said she could see what she had done to contribute to the D. We had a nice talk and decided to be friends for the kids. I don't like what she does or who she is (verbally abusive, doesn't put the kids first, drinks heavily with them, her h is physically abusive - why they came to us...) but she is being difficult now because she's moving to NC and wants the kids to go with her so we'll pay support. It has nothing to do with old hurts, that's been healed. This has to do with her being an a-hole. But yes, under other circumstances, I could see what you mean.
Absolutely, I will not take him back with no consequences. First I must find a way to separate them. It's the introduction to friends and planning wedding that is getting me. They're so deep into this fantasy that they already are thinking they know each other. LOL. She has NO idea what he's really like. They actually said in an email "I love you so much, we have everything in common, we both love beer, food and sleep." Um, yeah, that's a foundation.
Am I going about this wrong? Please let me know.
1. Separate them, expose to everyone, do an intervention with as many loved ones as possible. (should I involve kids - DSS 20 and twins DSD&DSS 16? I always put them first, but they are older. Don't want to destroy what they have with their Dad and don't want to hurt them.)
2. Go to Retro and hope he opens his heart
3. Follow up (if he connects) to make sure open transparency and THEN give him my terms. To borrow from the book Puppy recommends which I read yesterday (OK, I'm a women, but we can have them also) - tell him my N.U.T.s
Q: I plan on exposing to OWH and telling him about this board. Good idea? The idea is that if he does the right things, she will be lured to him rather than a quick D. DH already knows about his board, he posted here, so it may not get back to them and if it does, may not matter. (I'm already dead, right?)
Q2: Should I tell OW about his repeated affairs with backup or do you think it will fall on deaf ears? ('we're different than the others') Will it hurt if I try and fail? Which is better, to try or just tell her I know and move on?
Don't talk to OW about anything-if she cared about what you thought she wouldn't be having an A with your H. She will probably think you are either lying or she can change your H.
I wouldn't tell OW's H about this place. It is your sanctuary and OW might get wind of it from her H.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
), but more familiarity with what works will help you to plan a strategy for your sitch. The vets pretty much advise the same approach in most sitches.