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And MF,

Thanks a lot for the Red Bull advice. It's going on 12:45 here and I'm wide awake.

At least I can read Rob and Puppy's posts for the last month. Now I get the "softer, mellower Rob" reference you made last week. Good stuff. I think I can get my 'nads back this week. Thanks for bringing Rob in on my thread.

Oh yeah, and when I text/email/call the W about her stuff this week, I'm not going to tell her, "I'm letting her go like a kite. So, she can fly higher." (No offense to the guy who posted that B.S.)

--Fergie

Fergie -

Nicely done!



#1 - Box them up, and store them. You don't have to decide now.
#2 - Box them up, and store them. You don't have to decide
now.
#3 - Not sure I'd give her anything... Let her ask beyond this stuff. You're doing PLENTY FOR her... (I mean FOR YOU!)

THE PLAN is coming together... nicely. I'm impressed by your composure.

Good thinking w/IC.

Next time try the Red Bull w/a shot of Jager! Sorry, it kept you up... BUT, now you are so much wiser! LoL

By the sounds of her book titles, I'm not sure she has any issues flying high on her own! (HUGS)

I'll store that stuff. I just needed to hear it. She can have her wedding dress back, though. I certainly don't need it, unless I wanted to put it on and feel pretty, but I'm not into that. And you are right. I’ll hold onto anything we shared that I might want, and she can ask for it. Consider it payment for helping her move.

Just like Hannibal from the A-Team. "I love it when a plan comes together."

Thanks for the compliment. It is easy for me to be composed when I have a plan. Plus, I am used to doing everything anyway and she was gone a lot, so the transition hasn't been horrible. It helps to realize the person I see and talk to isn't the person who was my W. It really helps to come here to vent and get positive reinforcement.

The C is onboard with the plan. We talked about the A. C is in complete agreement about the things that need to happen to move forward with MC. W is still going to IC, but no MC sessions planned. I summed up a lot of what has been discussed in my thread this past week. I guess I didn't tell her about the ring, and she seemed pretty concerned about that, so I guess it isn't just me. I don’t need the C to like me or try and win her to my side, but we need to discuss this stuff, if the W and I ever get to piecing. The C doesn’t discuss what we say in IC to each other, but she did say the A hasn’t come up in the W sessions. I said it must hard to get info from one S and then, because of confidentiality, not to be able to ask directly about it in the other IC session. We also discussed D issue options and expectations.

The C thinks I’m in a good place right now and sees no need to see me weekly, unless I want to come in. She thinks I have a handle on my self improvement plan, and I already have a life.

--Fergie

Hey Fergie,

I'm still here, just don't have anything to add since Rob and MF seem to have you going in the right direction.



We had/have duplicates too. I gave BF the old household stuff that I didn't want, just the basics. Of course you should keep the nice household things in the house! If he had complained (which I knew he wouldn't) then I would have justified it by saying the house will be sold so it needs to be staged to look its best.

Pearl,

Yeah. I'm just in a holding pattern until I can finish the boxing and moving. I can't make much progress tonight, but I hope to be done by tomorrow night. So, no need to add anything, but thanks for dropping in!

I've been reading a lot of Rob and Puppy's posts to other threads and I am curious about the topic of proving the A. It seems the advice is to only accuse the WAS if you have hard evidence. Since the W is out of the house and not working towards reconciliation, accusing her is premature (even though she admitted to the OEA and I was told "no" about the PA, which I don't believe).

Is the sequence of events:
1. W wants to work it out.
2. Address the A.
3. W denies, so have proof
4. Make sure it is over.

I'm not even to Step 1, and it may not even happen. But it is good to be prepared. Is that about right?

--Fergie

Hey, Fergie -

Drive-by hello!

Your IC sounds superb.

I'd pay good money to see you in that wedding dress! LoL

Usually most people want / need proof for confrontation purposes and / or evidence for D proceedings. It's good to have because all cheaters lie and will often continue to lie even when confronted with evidence. For me, I wanted it to prove that I wasn't crazy, this was indeed happening. It didn't matter at all legally because we're not married, but I was able to say to BF in no uncertain terms that we both knew he was lying to my face and I found it incredibly disrespectful. It also helps when you're explaining to family and friends (especially if they're on the WAS side) that you have proof, you aren't imagining things, and you didn't just "grow apart" like the WAS wants everyone to believe.

Have you consulted an attorney yet? If not, put that on your list of things to do ASAP. Knowledge is power and you want to retain the upper hand. If you live in a fault state ask the L if filing on grounds of adultery is advantageous to you. And if so, what type of proof would be required.

If it doesn't matter legally, and it doesn't matter to you personally, then I wouldn't worry about it. I am the type of person that had to know the truth, but some people operate better from an assumption and would be harmed more by knowing details.

Since your W is already out of the house I don't see a point in confronting her about the A unless / until she says she wants to come back. But perhaps Rob has a different take on it.

Oh, just thought of a reason. If you want to go the route of exposing the A to help hasten its demise then you'll need proof.

And if you have a joint cell phone account you can access the records now before you split hers off.

Howdy, MF.

I might consider it, but I don't think she has pumps to match in my size....

I live in a no-fault state, so no help there.

I agree. She is out of the house, so what's the point. I would like to hasten it's demise, but I think, "why bother?" It will run its course. The best thing I can do now is concentrate on the "The Plan".

I can't access the cell phone records. She has it in her name. It is one of the only bills she pays.

I catch myself thinking she felt so unloved and and was so lonely, that she had to get away from our sitch without an affair and two things bring me back. Puppy stating in another thread, "I'm sure there are probably some examples. I've just personally never seen any." and one conversation we had where I asked if it was okay if I started seeing other people. After a very pregnant pause she said, "Well.. it would make me feel less guilty." 'nuff said.

I really was just curious about getting proof, but since my sitch isn't anywhere near reconciliation, it is just for planning for one possible outcome. She will have to initiate a reconciliation first before anything happens.

It will run it's course, but that could be years. I have a friend who had an A, his W wanted to work things out but he was totally fogged out so they ended up D. He is now married to his affair partner and they had a baby last year. Just saying, they don't always "run the course" and peter out.

Exposing the A is not guaranteed to end it, but it sure does increase the likelihood because A's thrive in secrecy.

Some people don't want to expose because their WAS will feel too much damage will be done and not want to come back. Others don't want extra people involved in their M. Still others are ashamed and embarrassed by their sitch.

I don't fall into any of these categories. If BF was going to have an A then I had no problem telling people why we broke up. I was not going to let him tell family and friends some BS story and make it seem like it was my fault or no one's fault. So yes, I did tell my parents, his parents, and both sets of friends.

Did it complicate matters? Yes, to some degree. I do feel like my friends and family disapprove of me taking him back and I worry that if things don't work out they won't be supportive like they were when I kicked him out. Did it make BF hesitate to come back? Nope. He knows I told everyone and he knows that if he wants to get back into my friends' and family's good graces that's up to him to do.

If I had it to do over I would perhaps try to limit exposure to my closest friends. But then again, I'm an oversharer by nature so it would probably be about the same.

Do what works best in your sitch, but I'm definitely pro-exposure.