Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers My husband is addicted to an emotional affair

I know the h isn't going to rush home. I am hoping he will panic bg me not contacting or keeping in touch with him. Maybe that is what he wants. We talked about money via text yesterday. Which is weird. I thought he wants to be divorced so why does he want to talk with me about money and ask permission to spend money on books for school. So random..... I really am just so sick of this and I am pretty sure the roller coaster might not be stopping for awhile.

I am pretty confident that h is still talking with the ow. Which just pissed me off of course. I would really like to connect and talk with the h.....kind of hard to do when he is pursuing a relationship with a ow. Honestly I don't even know what to sat to my h....things are so awkward and weird. I feel like I don't even know him....but I want to know him more than I did before.

I guess I just have to rember, Patience Nicole patience. Patience is really something I need to work on, and not trying to control what can or can't happen with our m.

i just quickly read the last few pages of your thread and I hope that you can stay dark with your husband. But staying dark isn't for HIM, it is for YOU! Once you have been dark, GAL, not even THINKING about what your husband is doing, if your husband is worried or thinking about you, how your husband is reacting...YOU WILL FIND yourself in a better place.

The thing that I hope you get out of going dark is that you need to let your husband go. Not in the sense of giving up on your marriage but realizing that you can't control him or what he does. This took me a while to realize and ONLY came when I went dark for a few days. Matter of fact, I never went COMPLETELY dark, but i only communicated through email or text and would not reply to all of the emails or texts from husband. I have noticed a HUGE change in my attitude and I believe that this attitude shift can only happen when YOU step AWAY from you current focus on your husband and put the focus back on you.

I just noticed a lot of talk about what your husband was going to do or not going to do, if your husband is still talking to OW. Try not to worry about what he is doing or thinking right now and just focus on you.

Ohhh boy, I could just kick myself. I came home at lunch today and the h was here. Weird, I know. He has pretty much avoided the house especially when he knows I will be here. I should have put the car in reverse and backed out of the drive way.

The h seemed really distant. He was working on the computer and I asked about an app on his phone. He was showing me how it worked when a text message came from the ow...he tried to clear it really quick but it wouldn't clear and then he put his phone down so maybe I wouldn't see it. I just said "h, I saw it is a text message from ow don't try to hide it, I saw it". I left it at that. He is an IDIOT.... I thought he said he wasn't talking with her. Hmmm.

Anyway, we talked a bit. Probably shouldn't have. I can't even remember half of the stuff I said or he said. But he did say again that he thinks he should file for d. He basically told me that he is still unhappy in our marriage and his life in general. He doesn't know what will make him happy. I asked if a D was going to make him happy and he said he didn't know but he needs to make a decision. He said he has tried to be happy in our marriage but he isn't and he has tried. Apparently coming home for a couple days at a time is trying. I told him that I don't think coming home and then still talking with the ow is "trying", and our lives have been very opposite and chaotic the last few years, with much time not spent together. he still believes this has nothing to do with it.... He also said something to the effect that he was just going to go on for the rest of his life depressed and unhappy and it wasn't fair for me to be dragged along. WTF, so is he admitting he is depressed? I mentioned that if he really was depressed everything else can seem to be the problem when really it is the depression.

Long story short I again told him that I don't want to be divorced because I do actually love him and I didn't get married to divorce him when things got a little rough.... I told him that I couldn't be mad at him and that I would still love him no matter what but I couldn't make his decision for him.

I'm pretty sure the h heard what he wanted and it isn't what I wanted him to hear. I also don't think he is in a rational spot to hear anything with the OW in the picture.

I made another mistake and a few hours later sent him a text telling him that I hoped he wasn't upset at me for telling him how I feel. he told me he wasn't upset.

I of course shared this info with my friend and she said he needs to "man up and stop being a pu@#! and take responsibility for himself and choose his path and if he wants to choose to be miserable and not get help then that is choice and it isn't very manly to choose to be miserable and not take responsibility in his m". I love my friend. Don't get her wrong, she absolutely loves my h and is really upset that he isn't getting help for himself and is doing this to our m.

Husband doesn't think he is being fair to me and said again that I should be mad at him. I ask him if he would be happy if I was mad at him and he said it would make it easier.

He is so lost and he said no one is telling him what to do and he doesn't know what to do. I really feel like to write an email to him. Again, just express how I feel about our m and that it is difficult to build a new marriage with 3 people in it. . . . I'm not positive what else exactly, but something that he can read and it's not just me blabbing and he hears what he wants. Not sure it is a good idea. I will probably wait a day and see how things go and how I feel

Nicole8:
Husband doesn't think he is being fair to me and said again that I should be mad at him. I ask him if he would be happy if I was mad at him and he said it would make it easier.


He wants you to fight him so he can get angry. Getting angry energizes depressed people. It will also make it easier to blame you.

If you fight him about OW, it will give him something to be angry about. Did you ever see what the people on the infidelity thread had to say about this EA? It seems like it's just a phone one that is nothing but a distraction, but still. How seventh grade. How irritating. What a MASSIVE, EMBARRASINGLY OBVIOUS symptom of depression. If he wanted a D and wasn't depressed, he would have just picked up someone at a bar by now. He doesn't want to deal with that either. He wants a fake phone R to distract him from his not getting help or making choices. I'm sure you are really tired of this b.s.

Nicole8:

He also said something to the effect that he was just going to go on for the rest of his life depressed and unhappy and it wasn't fair for me to be dragged along. WTF, so is he admitting he is depressed? I mentioned that if he really was depressed everything else can seem to be the problem when really it is the depression.


This is such a typical circular depression conversation. Did he ever come up with a solution for himself that did not have to do with dumping you being the solution? If he won't get IC, meds, or exercise, maybe he's one of those people who will go all the way through to D to realize it did not "cure" anything. Hope not. Sorry you are going through this. Maybe reread the depression section in DIVORCE REMEDY book.

rr22 the h doesn't have a solution for anything except that he is unhappy with everything in his life. Don't worry though he thinks I am great and that he doesn't have a reason really for why he is unhappy with our m, except that he "tried". I told him that he is quitting. He said fine if that is what you want to call it. Any conversation we have goes in circles and he doesn't have solutions except maybe he should be d...but he doesn't know if it will solve anything. round and round and round with no solution. Oh, and he couldn't look me in the eye when we talked today either. I asked him "why" and he said because he feels guilty....for wanting a divorce I guess. Who really knows.

The thing with the ow is very high school as I have said before, but you are actually more correct by calling it seventh grade. loved that. The EA is more than just phone calls and texting. They do meet and shop and work out at the gym from what I can tell. He has admitted in the past that they are "friends" but that he isn't wanting to d because of a relationship with her. I am actually not stupid and have seen texts and emails he has written that actually say differently at what he is trying to accomplish. He had some stupid seventh grade excuse.

Regardless, I am stuck and don't know what to do except again try to distance myself. After I sent the text this afternoon he finally texted back two and a half hours later. I ignored it. then he sent three more texts, one of them asking if I was ok. He also called. Again, didn't answer. I finally texted back a simple "yes and yes" to answer his two questions.

I'm just so digusted that he is quitting and not manning up to find a real solution to his problem. I guess that can't happen though until he actually gets help.

rr22, I do know that anger or arguing with him helps his depression. I read something about this in a book I bought. So very true when I think back to how long I think he has been depressed.... very eye opening. I am afaid that he is going to just go forward with the d and realize that it wasn't the solution. I can't do anything about it though.

I am still contemplating talking with his mom. She is a nurse and she has said that she thinks he is depressed. I just think she isn't willing to stand up to him and express her concern to him. I'm sure she is afraid he will get mad at her and then not talk with her. Or she is fed up with him being unhappy and can't tell him what to do. I wish she would read the book I got...I know she has seen his moods and anger.

Still thinking about what to do....not sure of anything right now.

NIcole8: I'm sure she is afraid he will get mad at her and then not talk with her.


My depressed H's mom is like this too. Also she enjoys my H being emotionally needy on her. It's sad. I'm not saying that's the case with your MIL (the enjoying the neediness, that is).

You could at least discuss it with her if she's trustworthy not to tell H you did. Then she could choose. Then you could feel you at least tried. If she would not say you talked to her and cause a backfire against you somehow.

NIcole8:
I'm just so digusted that he is quitting and not manning up to find a real solution to his problem. I guess that can't happen though until he actually gets help.


If you need to start detaching, think of it like this: my IC said some people spend YEARS and YEARS or their ENTIRE LIVES like this if they don't get appropriate treatment. They settle to some low level functioning where they get by at work (paycheck) and they are miserable at home and in their personal lives and either burying themselves in work or wearing a mask there. If H is going to choose nonaction, this D may lift, but it may not. Could go either way. Would you want to live like that?

You might just want to give him a secret deadline in your mind that you don't share with him. A deadline by which you would see SOME progress. The deadline may come and go before he ever finishes Ding you.

Nicole,

I am recommending that you take your stitch over to the infidelity forum. There are some techniques that have worked for others on this forum (i.e. pearl harbor, puppy, Allen, robx, gucci) that I think you could benefit from. It is important to follow DB, but there are other things you need to do when infidelity is involved. And yes, and EMOTIONAL AFFAIR is JUST AS if not AS more dangerous than a PHYSICAL AFFAIR.

Read some of the posts from Allen in the infidelity forum. Read some of the posts from gucci. When someone or a WS is involved with someone else, its is EVEN harder for them to notice any of your changes because they are so caught up in the "love chemicals" with the other person. Ready "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. This is an excellent book to understand infidelity and the mindset your husband is in. You may also need to expose the affair to husband's family and your family (but ONLY to those people who are marriage friendly). AFFAIRS THRIVE IN SECRECY!! The sooner that people know what is going on the more PRESSURE that puts on the affair couple. PRESSURE USUALLY LEADS TO A DISMANTLE OF THE AFFAIR RELATIONSHIP. I think Dr. Phil as well as Shirley Glass said that less than 1% of affairs last long term.

There is MUCH more info on the infidelity forum...gotta run for now.