Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers flowmom | need to commit to myself

At this point it is probably a wise decision to explore all your options. You really have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

I have been pretty open about my struggles with depression, anxiety and panic. I was wholly against any sort of RX medication. I am not really even sure why I was so against it. I know for certain I was scared to rely on a pill to "feel good". I was also afraid I would be living in a fog and become addicted to the medication requiring me to stay on them for the rest of my life.

What I did know was I could not go on like I was. Quite simply it was destroying not only my health but my life. I do agree that MD's often pass out medication too freely but sometimes it is necessary.

The first time I took my medication I stood in my kitchen waiting for my face to melt off or some other drastic thing to happen. And nothing did. It took a good 6 weeks for me to feel different but it was different in a good way. I was not in a haze, not overly happy, I didn't feel medicated but I felt more focused and clear. As the physical side of my depression/anxiety/panic improved life became much less of a struggle for me.

C'ing became much easier because I wasn't sitting there trying to catch my breath while my heart was racing and my brain was all over the map. I learned how to "turn my brain off" which helped me sleep on a regular schedule.

I initially started off on 3 medications (an anti-depressant which was the base of the therapy, a beta blocker to slow my heart rate down and another drug that was to be used as needed when an anxiety attack began). I am now down to the anti-depressant only in less than one year time. My dosage of the AD has been lowered twice for a slow wean and my goal is to be off the AD totally in the next 12-18 months. I am confident the only life long drug I will have to take is the drug I take for my lupus.

Without these drug therapies I am not sure where I would be right now. I really don't even want to think about it because I can imagine it would not be good.

At this time it is wise for you to investigate all resources available to you that can offer you assistance. If you feel you have ADHD it doesn't really matter what your IC or anybody else thinks. You know your mind and body best. Go see a dr and get a firm diagnosis. Given your history you might learn something that can really improve your life.

I guess I look at it this way. Earning an income is something you must start doing. If medication or a medical diagnosis can offer you a new insight or way to do things, while scary, it really can improve your life and the way you approach things.

Well, if you want encouragement and the possibility of reconciliation, you probably don't want to read mine. But, I think I know what you mean.

On the spiraling down, stop and take a deep breath. What is it that is the root cause for your spiraling? Probably fear, at some base level. Fear of what, exactly?

If you can identify the base fear, ask yourself whether the belief upon which the fear is based is a reasonable belief. If it's an unreasonable belief (and they usually are), then replace it with a reasonable one. Then watch what happens with your emotions. Emotion follows thought, not the other way around.

If your belief is reasonable (and again, this is the minority of times), then come up with a plan to deal with it or fix it.

Give this little exercise a try. It really does work.

And, (I think I have recommended this book numerous times) have you read "Learned Optimism" by Martin Seligman. One of the best books I have read.

As for the medication route, there is NO shame in going that way if you need it. Seek out a psychiatrist (she/he could help with the ADHD piece too - my S is ADHD).

No, I need to read about all sitches, not just ones that look like they're on the reconciliation track.I've started on that process by identifying a lot of irrational beliefs that are interfering with detaching from my M:
Looking and these beliefs will probably be a painful process. And frankly I need to figure out whether I can afford to do this kind of work when I am feeling so shaky. I can't afford to open an emotional Pandora's box right now.

Looking for feeback on this:

It's time to book one of the campsites that we usually go to for summer camping as they fill up very quickly. I don't want my children to be cheated of that experience. What worries me, though is that H being missing will really negatively affect their experience of it. And frankly it would be exhausting for me to do that. I'm not willing to try to organize it with other families/friends...for many reasons it's unlikely to work.

I'm wondering if it would be a good idea to invite H to come camping with us, but do it as separated parents. He could have his own campsite or even stay elsewhere on the island, have his own car, his own time with the kids, etc. In theory it could be like it is here, but in a different setting. It wouldn't be the same as a family vacation but it might need the kids' needs to do that with us, and create some breaks and breathing room for me.

Good idea? Bad idea? The kids love camping and family vacations are super important to them.

If you aren't ready to deal with all the issues, just pick a small one and see if the exercise helps...It WILL.

You have a lot of the same thoughts and beliefs I had (and some I still do).



Nope. You know this. You can't MAKE someone love you. He CHOOSES to love you or not. Out of your control.



I understand the cause for your concern, but as long as the kids are in no danger (which I would submit is a different issue), this is HIS problem.



Yes, you can. May require some short term sacrifice, but you CAN. Have you sat down to figure this one out?



No, it DOES NOT. THIS is co-dependence. Your value does not come from external sources. You value, and happiness, comes from within yourself. And, yes, I was guilty of this way of thinking too.



No, he needs to be a MAN, HUSBAND and FATHER on his own. NOT b/c of something you do.



No. He will have to do those things for himself. Which he should be doing anyway. (See, Be a MAN).



That's what the vows said, didn't they? But, unfortunately, we LBS's are only half the equation. Takes 2 to make a M work but only 1 to tear it apart. I feel for you on this one and still struggle with it.



Scarred, but not RUINED or DESTROYED. This one still gets to me in a big way. But, in the end, we have no control over this. And, truth is, while this isn't the kind of rough time you want them to go through, life is composed of set backs and unfairness. So, not the result you want for them, but may not be avoidable. And, they will learn from it, and the experience will probably make YOU closer to them. Has in mine.



Personal preference there. And there is no wrong answer.



No, then, like me, you will discover they still want a D. Meaning it isn't, and probably never was, about YOU. It's about their unhappiness and their inability to treat it in a healthy way.



Nope, you can't. You are 50% of the M decision. But, you CAN avaid failure in yourself. Which is why we all work on ourselves.



No, not by a long shot. I can think of lots of things worse than D. Thankfully, D is the worst thing that has happened in my life so far.




No, you don't. Own your wrongs (we all have them) and correct what you need to. Then let them go.



Absolutely not true. If you don't take care of yourself, you cannot take care of anyone else. First, you have to be happy.

Great job identifying unreasonable beliefs. I'll give you one of mine - that I will be alone the rest of my life. Not likely, but scary. I realized that God has a plan for me (sorry if your not religious) and that plan did not include me being alone. So, either He would return my W to me to work on a new, healthy M or He would have me meet someone who needed me more than my W and with whom I could find happiness I have never known. Win-Win.

Thanks GIMA. I know that these beliefs are irrational. But dealing with them on a gut level requires more than my just "talking back" to them.

It also takes time.

Hi Flowmom!

I'm not sure if you've tried meditation type of things (I've just started trying it.. not consistently yet), but here's what I found really works for me.

I read somewhere that when you need something (not materially) like strength, peace from thoughts or overwhelming emotions, help focusing on something, that if you ask the Universe (or Higher Power, God, Great Spirit.. whatever your belief) *out loud* for what you need, you will find that you will receive it.

Now, I know it may sound hokey, but you and I are about 2 months different in separation dates, and this helped me immensely. I told my friend about it and she's done it as well, and has found it works with her too.

I've made it a habit on my drive home from work and to work that I spend the time talking out loud of the things I am thankful to the Great Spirit for, and asking for what I feel I need in the upcoming day or days. If I've been spending too much time focusing on H or sitch, I ask for the strength to focus on myself and my needs instead.

I asked for a sign at one point that I was in the right direction with my decision to stand in my marriage and the next day received news that OW told H she wanted to see other people. The next night as I was sitting by our local large lake two swans swam by.. Swans are rare around my area in the winter.. I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen them this time of year in my lifetime.

I asked for a guide to help me find where I should be focusing on in myself and life.. That morning as I was going to work, 2 deer literally pranced in front of my car. When I looked up the symbolism of animals, they related to family. So I took that to mean to concentrate on my kids and being stable and loving with them.

I hope I'm not overstepping boundaries by posting this to you, and I hope you can take it or leave it without offense.

(((Hugs)))

Sorry.. just to explain about the swans.. they mate for life so their appearance symbolized that to me...

Look at it this way =- you are trying out different things "to see what works". Your life has been turned upside down. You are doing better than I was two months in!

So, why not try the ADs, or the meds for ADHD, and if it doesn't work, you can go off them. Why not try inviting H camping and see what he says. If he says no, you have your answer for similar events in the future - don't ask.

I know it's crazy - try to find a little quiet spot inside that tells you what to do. Even if you only access this spot for five mintues a day, listen to it. I often can be this quiet before falling asleep.